// you’re reading...

filed in Strategy Session

10 Reasons to Stay Away from Married Men

1.  They will not be available for your birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s Eve, Valentines Day, 3-day weekends. In fact, they’re not really available.       2.  No lingering in bed, no sleep-overs
3.  It’s awkward to introduce them to your family
4.  You cannot make demands, you cannot have expectations, there is no future
5.  Once a cheat, always a cheat
6.  You’re an accomplice in someone breaking a vow
7.  You can’t bring them to the company picnic
8.  Your friends will get tired of hearing your sob story
9.  Sneaking around may be sexy at first, but it gets old really fast
10. You will fall in love and they WILL break your heart

But it didn’t stop me, and it probably won’t stop you….  PLEASE add to the list!

(Illustration by Beth Adams)

Discussion

15 comments for “10 Reasons to Stay Away from Married Men”

  1. Jen says:

    I feel like I really dodged a bullet recently not letting myself continue down a path of intimacy with a married man. It’s so clear to me, now, that I was heading for a world of unbearable pain, hurt and remorse — but I guess I was too wrapped up in the intense emotions to see straight.

    MORE REASONS TO STAY AWAY FROM MARRIED MEN:
    It just isn’t fun to share a man you love (or even think you like) with another woman; actually, it sounds like torture.

    Mistress sounds good until you’re waiting for him to get back from a trip to Paris with his wife, or even just call on a Wednesday night.

    There will be a lot you can never talk about and even more you don’t wish to discuss.

    The wife will have all the credentials, public history and legal connections that substantiate relationships; you’ll have an secret IOU.

    Trust, which is an important base for any lasting relationship has been undermined from the start.

    You’re dealing with a person who, no matter what he says to you, lacks the foresight (and perhaps the motivation) to care about you and protect your feelings in the long run.

  2. Amy says:

    Funny how life works isn’t it? Nearly every day I log on to your website to see what you have to say. This morning I couldn’t help but grin. Last night I dumped my married man! It was long overdue and needless to say, I feel great about doing it. There is not way around it – We all know we shouldn’t be doing it and it’s the wrong thing to do.
    Keep writing, love your web site!

  3. April says:

    You’re hurting someone that most likely doesn’t deserve it. Yes, I’ve been there and done that, but what I most regret about it is how awful it must’ve been for his wife. I didn’t know her, and the fact that he was lying to her about me makes it easy to conclude that she probably wasn’t as awful as he made her sound. Hurting another woman is reason enough for me to stay away.

  4. Linda says:

    So . . . let’s just say that he does leave his wife, or she comes to her senses and leaves him. You then might be helping to raise another woman’s children half the time, while also supporting her financially. True, custody and support issues vary by state and by individual situation–but the harsh realities of the aftermath are easy to forget when you’re in the throes of the thing. A married man is, in some ways, a safe and convenient man-until he and all of his baggage are suddenly available. I do object, however, to the characterizations of men and women in this situation as untrustworthy losers, clueless victims, etc. It’s simply not that black and white. For more on that note, I strongly recommend “The Other Woman,” a great collection of personal essays collected and edited by Victoria Zackheim. (Nice post and great blog!)

  5. […] Update to 10 Reasons to Stay Away from Married Men: […]

  6. Jen says:

    “A Room With A View.” One of my favorite movies and even though the characters are English, the film is about Italy — the Italy in us all, especially when it comes to passion.

    It doesn’t do the film justice, but here’s a little scene:

    Revered Beebe: It’s not coincidental that you’re here now, when one comes to reflect on it.
    George Emerson: I have reflected. It’s fate. Everything is fate.
    Revered Beebe: You’ve not reflected at all. Let me cross-examine you. Where did you meet Mr. Vyse, who will marry Miss Honeychurch?
    George Emerson: The National Gallery.
    Revered Beebe: Looking at Italian art! You see, you talk of coincidence and fate. You’re naturally drawn to things Italian, as are we and all our friends, aren’t we Freddy? That narrows the field immeasurably.
    George Emerson: It is fate. But call it Italy if pleases you Vicar.

  7. Ms. O says:

    After reading all the comments on 10 reasons why to stay away from married men. I am walking away from the married man that I have been seeing. It’s time for me to be strong and walk away from all the lies and know that I am worth so much more. I know that it will not be easy but I will get thru this. I am worthy of having my own man for myself.

  8. Waterlily says:

    The most incredible, magnetic, attractive, charming, intelligent, intuitive man I have ever met happens to be married (she’s practically perfect) and is an instructor of mine. He watches me constantly and compliments me and I pretend not to notice or care. There’s scorching, white-hot chemistry between us, but I am determined to be ‘good’ and walk away as soon as the class is completed. If I truly care about him I will not jeopardize everything that matters to him or more importantly, to me. Or so I keep telling myself. Reading online articles and comments are much more helpful than I thought they would be! For instance, I am much more aware of his many flaws, like his vanity and impatience. It is obvious that I am deep in the throws of infatuation and no good can come of pursuing him. He may be flirting hot and heavy, but he is offering me nothing! I am no low-down poacher and I deserve so much better, or so I keep reminding myself…

    • wendy says:

      In my experience, an attached man can appear way more attractive, intelligent, intuitive, and interested than they ultimately would be, unattached. Married men will show you an unrealistic portrait of themselves, and since it’s taboo, it provides for great chemistry. But, OH, HOW IT HURTS!

  9. Donna says:

    I also have been dating a married man…at 1st he lied to me and had all the time in the world for me and my kids….after i fell head over heals madly deeplyvin love with him i started feeling something wasnt right….i ended up finding out he was married….i broke up with him but he wouldnt leave me alone…i was trying to heal and he wouldnt let me…then his wife called me and said it was over she didnt want him……i stayed away as much as possible even tryed to date others butvhe was everywhere even messing with the guys i went out with…i feel into his lies once again and went back because to me it was easier then him being everywhere and hurting the guys i tryed to date….i gave him my all..he made me belive everything he was doing i caused…i started staying home didnt go out with friends i became a hermit…..the more i asked to see him the more he fussed at me……my heart told me he was filling my head with lies again…..2 yrs with this man and i still got nothing back….sex thats it……i started asking more questions and he would say the same things as b4……i just told him 2 days ago i cant do this anymore im a sinner and i am helping hurt people likevhis wife..they have no kids…so i dont understand…2 days is a long time for us to not talk or see each other…im trying to stay strong….but it hurts bad…..plz give me some info on how to stay away from him..he brings me down but builds me up….

    • wendy says:

      What finally broke the spell of my married man affair was his leaving town for 6 weeks for a work project. The first few days were brutal, but slowly we got out of the habit of talking and seeing each other all of the time. Yes, it was like breaking a very bad habit or addiction. And towards the end of those 6 weeks, I went to a party and met someone new (who was single) and fell madly in love. Relationships with people who are married are intoxicating. And part of the intoxication is that we’re not getting a true portrait of the person. We get only the most romantic, which doesn’t much resemble who they are in real life. Try to be strong, Donna, get lots of support from friends, and you will get to the other side.

  10. emma says:

    Unfortunately I became collateral damage in an affair with a mm. I loved him and believed he loved me. When the shit hits the fan, he won’t protect you, he won’t tell the truth and he won’t look back. It was the most personally damaging thing I have ever done to myself and two years later still hurt. Be good to yourself, better to be single than a fool

    • wendy says:

      To this day, I don’t regret my affair with a mm. It was so passionate, and I survived. (Though it’s quite like you describe, Emma.) But I’m looking back a long way now. You will heal.

  11. Janis says:

    Friends for over 30 yrs. relationship two years….too draining ….knew it had to end, but couldn’t do it myself….he kept telling me he wasn’t going to break it off that I had to be the one. I couldn’t do it. Finally I made it so he broke it off. He told me we shouldn’t have any contact….so I agreed. a few weeks into this, we were both at his brother’s wedding. I stayed clear, but he made sure he came near me for a few seconds….but haven’t heard from him since…..I am sure I will evidentually….it hurts at first, but it gets easier..Not sure if we will ever be friends again…..I feel I can be with him…but not sure how he feels….Truthfully, if we ever got together and had a real relationship, it probably wouldn’t last…it was just the thrill of it all….

    • wendy says:

      The only thing that got me out of my mm affair was meeting someone else. My guy always used to tell me he’d marry me in a second if only he was available. When he finally became single, he didn’t even want to know me. That really hurt.

Leave a Reply

*