I winked at 3 more men on Match this week, none of whom got back to me. Apparently for them, I was a no, no and no. I’m determined not to take it personally, which is almost like getting to yes. It’s at the point where it feels like sport. Oh, and I did get a note from someone in a hat, covered in mud and shirtless. That would be a no, no and most definitely no.
Love your fortitude and efforts with online dating! I found that winks simply aren’t effective. Think about it – do they make you want to move towards a man who does it to you? By that token, the brief, charming note works far better – hey, you’re a writer and you’ve got this one down! 🙂
Unfortunately I haven’t had much more success with writing a note, so don’t take it personally Wendy! I find I can get a “no response” even when the person knows little about me other than a positive endorsement:
http://thebitterbabe.wordpress.com/2013/01/11/progress/
I guess in the same way I do, men look at that thumbnail profile photo and quickly decide whether they’re attracted to you or not. Sigh.
I used to always write notes. But it seems to me that there has been a behavioral shift, having to do with how easy it is to express our opinion with a “like” button on Facebook. I no longer think a note is the right approach, unless I was particularly moved by someone’s profile.
Since I was always the one doing the approach (with men I found attractive at least) and felt like that was still an unusual position for a woman, a wink sometimes felt like a nice compromise.
I don’t know if you can even assume they are judging you by your thumbnail photo… sometimes I wonder if a lot of the accounts on there are actually “dead” despite showing evidence of people logging in. Hard to say.
I especially like the ones that are about 50 and older and mark. Want kids someday.
That makes me laugh every time.
It does become amusing after awhile.
Trying to keep smiling even when I feel like I’m banging my head against the wall.
I agree with Annie, I would much prefer a little note than a wink. I don’t really respond to winks. I have made a deal with myself to send a message to one person each week that I find interesting.
Winks used to irritate me, too. But now, it mostly irritates me when I’m not interested.
[…] https://firstpersonsingular.org/2013/01/10/getting-to-yes/ […]
I’ve sent “winks” to some that have “winked” at me, but I’ve never gotten so much as an email from them after that.
I used to send a note from time to time, but the response rate was so low that it just didn’t seem worth the effort after awhile.
I think that, even though there was a sexual revolution and all, most men still like to do the chasing. I seem to have better luck when I let them do that. So, even if they’ve “winked” at me, I won’t send a message until they’ve messaged me. I used to be naive enough to think that if they sent a wink to me first, that they’d respond to a note that I send in response…that theory got shot down in a hurry!
I’ve met a few men who like being chased. And really appreciated that about them.
Actually, in the non-virtual world, I have been known to take the initiative and ask a man out first with great success, and that includes the one that I almost married many years ago. They’ve all told me that they were really flattered and were glad that I did it.
But in the virtual world, I’ve seen a completely different result, and most of the time, they seem to think that I’m just looking to jump into bed right away. I think the difference is that, in the real, face-to-face world, we can see and read facial expressions and body language, whereas in the world of online dating, without those visual cues, taking such a step seems to be more likely to be interpretted as sex-hungry desperation.
It’s so easy to behave badly online because there’s no accountability.
I’m not a Match user, but am still on OKcupid. I’ve been an online dater for years (think craigslist circa 2002!).
For the new year, I changed my profile and removed all of the “success” – degrees and money and career ambitions – but made it clear I was looking for something serious. I talked about how I liked to laugh. I made my pic way more wholesome.
It was amazing – some guys who never responded to emails three years ago are now interested. (Mind you, it is sad that all of us are recognizably on the site for 3 years).
This is only a single data point, but, I’ll throw out into the anecdote pool.
Fascinating anecdote. Maybe I’ll add the line, (I like to laugh) and see if it makes a difference.
Long time reader, first time commenter. I had to add something to this thread. After a bunch of emails, two phone calls, and brief texts with a guy from match, guy cancels first date after he finds out I don’t eat meat. He explains he’s looking for a long term partner and someone he can cook with, so because he eats meat and I don’t we “are not a match.” I couldn’t believe it.
Thanks for joining in Callie. It’s amazing how much distance there can be between connecting with someone online and actually getting to a first date. It’s so frustrating. There is not a lot of integrity in the process.