filed in Sex and Dating
No Regrets
I can write this now because it’s over. For a few months, recently, I was dating. There were a couple of things to recommend the man (e.g. completely at ease in the kitchen), but right from the start, he was lousy at staying in touch. It probably would have made sense for me to have counted to infinity, first. But probably then, I wouldn’t have this dating story to tell.
Image from this isn’t happiness
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Well I am sorry that things didn’t work out, Wendy, but like you said you’ve gained experience. I was dating a guy recently who by his own admission and the observation of mutual friends was very shy. However a pattern emerged where I seemed to be the only one initiating outings, so I’ve kind of put him behind me. His ‘shyness’ comes across more as indifference.
I guess that if we listened to the sage advice of the dating experts who wrote “He’s Just Not that Into You” we’d be busily about our full, exciting lives, making Mr. Right become so smitten that he can’t help but text or call us several times a day. Ha ha.
At first, I considered it might be shyness or lack of confidence, which is why I hung in there. And it took me awhile to realize that this man was just not able to connect. Despite what the dating experts say, no behavior on my part (elusive or otherwise) would’ve have changed him. It feels good to know that.
I was being facetious about my references to “HJNTIY”, I think that the advice in that book is a little extreme, and I’m not sure that it correlates to reality. But you’re fortune reminded me of it, since they advise a woman to focus on having a full life, and let the man fall for her. I talked to a man recently who’ve said that it’s a relief if a woman initiates something, b/c it takes the burden off of him to find fun and interesting things to do. Another man told me that he has no problem with a woman initiating a date. I had a LOT of good times with this guy, and getting to know another person is a worthwhile pass time. so yeah, no regrets here either!
I have a neighbor who complains that she’s still the only one initiating with the man in her life, and this relationship has been going on for well over a year. That would get frustrating.
I’m sorry to hear this. I experienced something very similar a few months ago, but I cut it off early. I was dating a man who made me swoon whenever I was in his company. It’s something that I never imagined was possible. He made me laugh so hard with his jokes and wit in a way I hadn’t laughed for a long time. Also something I didn’t think was possible. He was a poet and travel writer and he awakened my sense of adventure. I never wanted our dates to end. However, right from the start, he was lousy at initiating contact, just like your guy. He would never call, or text, or ask me out. He wanted to talk to me and he wanted to see me…and when it happened it was great, but only if I initiated. I was beginning to get emotionally attached to him, but broke things off abruptly when I realized he wouldn’t change. I am not going to spend my time working hard to keep a man’s interest and wonder what I am doing wrong if he doesn’t recirpocate. You were drawn to your guy for a reason and enjoyed your time with him, but ending things was a good call to make when you’re thinking about your long term happiness and well-being. I hope you feel better soon!
I was never that physically attracted to this man, so it didn’t take me long to move on. He did cook me a few lovely dinners, and that was the nicest part. But what’s reassuring is I’m really good at doing that for myself.
I’m sorry to hear this, Wendy, but I love the image, and it’s a good reminder.
I’m very proactive by nature, so it’s easy for me to instigate. But in my experience with men and dating, I’ve learned that if they don’t get in touch, it almost always means they’re not interested.
I agree with you about that, Wendy. If it’s on me to initiate contact, arrange dates and so on, what else will fall exclusively on my plate in order to keep the relationship intact? I’m at a place now where I want to bring back certain gender roles and one of them is that men initiate, that they step up. I don’t need a man begging for me in the street but I just know I can lose respect for a man very quickly if I’m doing a lot of the heavy lifting, especially really early in the relationship.
I have a date tonight with someone who gets that. We were texting a few days ago when he up and called to ask me out for tonight. He said he wanted to call me and properly ask me out because he didn’t think that should be done as a text. He’s earning MASSIVE points for that. He also chose a low-stress date which delights me to no end. We’re going bowling 🙂
It’s not that I want to bring back gender roles, Latarsha. (But if the initiating is too one-sided (as it was in my recent dating experience), it usually means something and not anything good. Can’t wait to hear about the bowling date!
I think that having the initiating fall on any one person in a relationship (romantic or otherwise) gets old after a while. I have let friendships die because I stopped being the initiator. It lets you know pretty quickly where you stand and can often be a good time to stop standing and start walking toward higher quality, mutual relationships.
I have a couple of friendships in which I do most of the initiating. And I’ve made peace with it. But the difference is that I know these friends care about me. With my recent dating experience, I never sensed his enthusiasm.