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What Are You Happy Not to Want?

Dare I say this. I never had a burning desire to be a mom.

Royal Wedding Poem by Robert Montgomery

Discussion

21 comments for “What Are You Happy Not to Want?”

  1. Petra says:

    Amen, Wendy! Neither have I. And you have touched on one of my pet peeves–the idea that all women should either be mothers, wish they were mothers, or are interested in children. Don’t get me wrong, I like kids (well, some of them–a couple of my friends have some fascinating kids), but some mothers have this false idea that political issues involving mothers are as important to me as they are to them. A friend of mine asked me to come to a demonstration supporting kids and teachers from (frankly, necessary, given the local demographics) budget cuts in the local school district. Sorry, but there are other issues I’ll devote my time and money too. Especially this time of year, I’m shorter on time (and my friend is an academic as well, so she should know this).

    Another pet peeve–the notion that “motherhood is the most important job in the world”. I call bullshit on that one as well. More important than medicine or teaching or fighting for justice? And if that’s the case, then the more children you have, the more important you are.

    Sorry, got to shut down this mini rant (which is really directed at a small subset of people, not the majority of mothers). It’s just that I have found being child-free to be more of an anathema than being single.

    FWIW, I have the neat suburban house (with a great kitchen). And I do love it!

    • Petra says:

      To clarify, when my friend asked me to demonstrate, she said “I SHOULD be interested in this, even if I don’t have kids” (emphasis mine). I think that’s what really rankled me–this implication that the child-free ought to support parental issues without question. I have never heard a parent express concerns that those without kids might have. A case in point: a number of years ago, my university did a self-evaluation about conditions there and I was one of those interviewed by an administrator about any concerns I might have (btw, a lot of faculty/staff were chosen, so this wasn’t any sort of prize!) Anyway, I did not have any major issues–I feel I’m adequately compensated, especially for the part of the country in which I live. But I did suggest that perhaps the benefits could address concerns that people (singles/couples) without kids might have. For example, free tuition for kids is a benefit, but there is no compensatory benefit for those without kids. Or spouses/kids can use the fitness facilities for free. That sort of thing. The guy who interviewed me was part of a childfree couple and he agreed. That said, I don’t think anything has changed.

      Okay, Wendy, off my soapbox now!

      • wendy says:

        Your soapbox is always welcome here.

      • Jules says:

        Petra, I treasure your rants. I’ve never felt the defining need to have children. On occasion I ponder what it would have been like and once in while pine for an opportunity missed. That said, I love being child free. And also rail against the mother dominate actualization messages that permeate our culture. Also, particularly considering our political reality, I’m emboldened by my freedom to demonstrate and have time and emotional resources for political activities. Some of my friends who are mothers bemoan their lack of time and encourage me to represent them. I ask what I can do help them participate and they respond that there are sports events to attend, plays to see, homework to review – all places I can’t replace them. So mandate received and relished.

        • wendy says:

          I have a number of friends and acquaintances with kids who are bringing them to rallies and protests. It’s a great way to get them engaged in the political process. We’re going to need them.

          • Jules says:

            I agree Wendy and friends have and will bring their children when possible. But often schedules don’t permit. However, increasingly political activity has priority. I helped one friend’s daughter mobilize her class for activity around an issue they picked.

          • wendy says:

            That’s so cool, Jules. Thanks for that!

    • wendy says:

      There are a lot of things on that list that I want. As far as kids, I was never opposed to being a mom. I just never felt a strong urge to biologically birth them, nor did I want to raise children alone.

  2. Karen says:

    same (re: lack of burning desire.)

  3. Leyla says:

    You’re lucky that you didn’t have a burning desire for children! You got the freedom to make your own decisions. Some people choose the wrong partner because they want children from the union. Some people have heartbreak over infertility issues because they want children so badly. You don’t have either of those problems!

    • wendy says:

      I do feel lucky that not having children hasn’t tormented me. Some years ago, I had 3 married girlfriends at the same time who were desperate to have children, but were struggling. It took years, and they all ended up conceiving, and are happy to be moms. (Also, all are strong career women.)

  4. Jess says:

    I’ve also always been in the camp of not opposed to kids, but no burning desire either. A close friend of mine (with two lovely kids) once told me – “if you’re on the fence about being a mom, don’t do it”. I’ve always appreciated that comment.

    I’m curious if anyone here ever felt some guilt in not giving their parents grandkids? As both my sister and I are childless, I do feel a pang of guilt on occasion for not giving my mom grandkids

  5. Patricia says:

    Layla says: “Some people have heartbreak over infertility issues because they want children so badly. You don’t have either of those problems!”

    But some people have heartbreak because they do not want children and do conceive them, or because they feel pressured into having them. Those people don’t have either of those problems.

    Everything goes both ways. The pain of people who long for children is not more or better than the pain of others who long for something else (including, possibly, child freeness). I think we all just want to live the lives we envision for ourselves.

    • wendy says:

      Thanks for your perspective, Patricia. I agree that there is plenty of suffering to go around, no matter one’s circumstance. The challenge of life is to find gratitude in the midst of it. In my experience, having community (like FPS) really helps.

  6. Patricia says:

    Layla says: “Some people have heartbreak over infertility issues because they want children so badly. You don’t have either of those problems!”

    But some people have heartbreak because they do not want children and do conceive them, or because they feel pressured into having them. People with children don’t have either of those problems.

    Everything goes both ways. The pain of people who long for children is not more or better than the pain of others who long for something else (including, possibly, child freeness). I think we all just want to live the lives we envision for ourselves.

  7. Claire says:

    When around friends who are either pregnant or have a newborn I’m baffled they wanted that – both look miserable. And I like kids, I just have no strong desire to have my own. I do feel a sense of freedom that I don’t have strong desires that require another person in my life to make it happen (husband to have a baby with or the baby itself).

    • wendy says:

      A friend of mine who is hugely successful in her career is pregnant with her 3rd children. It’s so hard for me to wrap my mind around wanting that.

  8. Elle why says:

    No kids for me either. I’m ok with nieces and nephews.

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