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Urban Legends

My friend’s aunt used to tell me about finding a husband, “there’s a cover for every pot.” As my single years progressed with no mate in sight, that phrase would drive me crazy. But it also terrified me to ask the question – what if there isn’t? Now, I know there might not be. And that’s really okay.

That Special Someone by itspeteski


25 comments for “Urban Legends”

  1. RS says:

    “Halley’s Comet appeared in 1910 (And I was born in the following year): Its period being seventy-six years and seven days, It is due to reappear in 1986. So I read, and my heart sunk.It is unlikely that I shall ever see that star, and probably that is the case with human encounters. An understanding mind one meets as seldom, and an undistracted love one wins as rarely. I know that my true friend will appear after my death, And my sweetheart died before I was born.” -Katsumi Tanaka

  2. Len says:

    A female friend used that exact trope on me a few years back. (She was married, so of course could believe in it.) When I challenged her to explain those of us it didn’t apply to, she could only sputter, “Well…some people just…emit…” and then dropped it.

    I still can’t decide if:
    A) She realized I wasn’t buying it
    B) She realized it was a load of crap
    C) She was about to insult me (“Emit” what, exactly?)

  3. Ann says:

    I’ve never heard this from a never-married person, only from married people. It infuriates me.

    On a concomitant issue, I always wonder how is it that many divorced people are able to remarry almost immediately. Aren’t they over their allotment? 😉

    • Claire says:

      You are so right.

      Also, I have wondered about these divorced and quickly remarried people too! Sometimes I think how in the hell has that person gotten divorced and remarried in the time span since the last time I went on a date??

    • Karen says:

      I’m a divorce lawyer and we refer to this quick-second marriage phenomenon as “the triumph of hope over experience.”

      And while I’ve made no scientific study of this, I’ve also observed that my recently-divorced clients in their 30s and 40s often still have children who are in school, and therefore they still have entree to a world of parent teacher associations, soccer leagues, etc., and thus a natural opportunity to meet OTHER divorced parents. That is a world that is as remote and unattainable to me (never-married, middle-aged, child-free) as Mars.

      • Len says:

        This is probably mean, but were I in your position, I’d feel a smidgen of schadenfreude and probably relief. At my ex-job, I’d constantly hear the women complaining about, or making fun of, their husbands/boyfriends, and I’d think, “So, what exactly am I missing out on?”

        • wendy says:

          Long-term marriage seems so fraught and complicated, particularly from my single vantage point. But I applaud people who can make it through.

        • Karen says:

          Not schadenfreude. However, the silver lining to the dark cloud of my career as a divorce lawyer (it’s grueling and stressful, as are most law jobs) has been that I am under no illusions that marriage brings an automatic happy-ever-after. Marriage is a complicated thing, and while earlier in my life it was something I wanted very much, it is no longer a goal. Doesn’t mean I don’t long for a committed relationship — but that’s a story for another day.

      • wendy says:

        Do you mean remote and unattainable in a bad way?

        • Karen says:

          Hi Wendy,
          Neither “good” nor “bad” — just a fact. I never wanted children so I can’t say the world of PTA and soccer leagues holds any particular appeal for me, but I do know that many of my clients end up meeting spouse #2 in just such a venue. I was simply theorizing, in response to one of the other commenters, that that might be one reason why, anecdotally at least, some divorced people seem to have an easier time finding dates than the never-married.

          • wendy says:

            So they have more easy access to dateable people with common interests. Interesting. I hadn’t thought of that.

    • Len says:

      Nobody ever hears it from a never-married person. As I said above, only married people can believe in it. Single people simply don’t compute to them.

      Here’s a line I heard from the same friend, when I told her how girls and women always rejected me for dates: “You just haven’t met the right one.” Huh? I was asking them for dates, not marriage. She’d had several dates and relationships before getting married, so I guess by her logic, apparently she’d met several “right ones,” yes?

    • wendy says:

      About divorced people getting remarried – My guess is that once married, you’re more comfortable with the framework of it. And want to get back to the life you’re used to.

  4. Amy says:

    I just object to being referred to as a kitchen utensil!

  5. JustJen says:

    Dear Wendy et al

    I have never in a million years expected to virtually encounter anyone who feels the same as I do in this regard. I am turning 37 next month – I hold three degrees, am definitely not a 10 however I have had my share of men in life. However, when it comes to relationships, it is something I just cannot succeed at.

    There were times that I blamed my weight – let’s face it when you do not fit into the realm of normality (what is the norm anyways) you always seem to be the odd one out. When I finally realised that I need to take care of myself more, I thought that finally I would find a mate and live happily ever after.

    Why am I mentioning all this?

    I am now looking and feeling better – I go to the gym almost every day, I run…yes, am no Victoria’s Angel, but I kick butt, ok? and ladies, I am still single. My assumption is perhaps, as Wendy brutally admits, it just may not happen. Fat or not, am still single…I see fat people in relationships, so really, it is my insecurities perhaps.

    I worry about this “dying alone” thing a lot. Wendy, like you, my parents had a good marriage. I am an only child. I do not have daddy issues. 36 and still single. Am I picky? Yes I am. Why should I settle for less? If need be, I’d rather remain single than add another loser on the list.

    What do I really want to say? Wendy, thanks for this blog. It made me feel less alone, less of a freak. When you are surrounded by couples, it is hard for your heart not to break every time. I still think it is a work in progress. When you are alone deep within your thoughts, it hurts.

    So, I really do think it has something to do with two things: 1) luck (must be – I have heard of people finding their husbands/wives on a bus – hey I do not even take the bus oops) and 2) settling – why should I settle for less? and let’s face it a lot of people get into relationships just for the heck of it. I refuse to be one of those.

    A friend of mine asked me: have you told the Universe that you are ready for a relationship? Coming to think of it, perhaps am not and will never be. Maybe, am meant to be single and is that such a bad thing at the end of the day?

    Wendy, keep up the fantastic work.

    • wendy says:

      It’s my pleasure to welcome you to FPS, JustJen. I’ve gotten so much conflicting advice through the years about what it would take for me to find a husband – from “ask the universe” to “you want it too much.” Now from a distance, I can laugh about it. Then, I was always trying to adjust what I had to be. These days, I love my single life. But here’s one bit of advice in terms of your romantic future – though you haven’t had “success” in the past, that has no bearing on what might happen tomorrow.

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