Back in the 20th century, I would get enraged by her relentless campaign against the Equal Rights Amendment and her anti-feminist tirades, since she would not have been able to vote, go to college, earn a living, keep her children in the case of a divorce, sign a contract, inherit or own property, use contraception (which she probably didn’t care about), sit on a jury or wear pants, were it not for the warrior women she railed against. But honestly, I didn’t even realize she was still alive until reading this today:

“Unmarried women, 70% of unmarried women, voted for Obama, and this is because when you kick your husband out, you’ve got to have big brother government to be your provider.”

My hilarious and knowing friend, Jerry, summed it up, “she sounds like some Mad Men character scolding Betty Draper. Her rhetoric is awful and at the same time archaically quaint. The old gal (who will be 86 next month) is clearly past her expiration date.”

While waiting in line for my cappuccino this weekend, I was ready to punch myself in the face, as I realized that everyone in line was wearing the exact same uniform: artfully frayed jeans, quirky printed t-shirts, flannel shirts, messy hair, etc. And we were all staring at the same gadget, and probably reading the same damn website. In other words, our pose of idiosyncratic uniqueness was a big charade. Self-loathing alert!

Let’s make a pact to do something at least once a week to get beyond our own echo chambers. I know someone who subscribes to email blasts from politicians she doesn’t agree with, in order to understand what they’re thinking. Jonah Lehrer makes a case for reaching out to people we don’t know, through social networking. Maybe I’ll strike up a conversation with a Tea Party follower, up the street.

Image: This is Where You Are, 2003, by Chris Johanson

A few weeks ago, I was invited to a dinner party. What a TREAT to be eating someone else’s home-cooked food for a change. But I almost said no. The reason? The other guests were two couples, and I wasn’t up for being the fifth wheel. I confessed to my host, who’d been single for years. He soon emailed that an unattached friend would be joining us. As it turns out, everyone at the dinner party is gay (but me). And I realized that this scenario is a total no-brainer. On a related subject, read a fascinating piece in Scientific American about the stereotype of the “fag hag.” And at 2 minutes, 13 seconds into this video, watch the late, Rue McClanahan (of Golden Girls fame), play one. From a 1971 film, “Some of My Best Friends Are…”

But why do we so badly need to have this poet paired off with someone? Why do we need to make a failure in love — and because Dickinson was single, failure is always assumed — the explanation for her art? We don’t consider “Walden” or “Moby Dick” or “Leaves of Grass” the products of amorous psychopathology. Yet the notion lingers that Dickinson’s poetry was a disturbed response to some unfulfilled need, her retirement a symptom of sickness.

Photo: Elena Kagan, 1993, Associated Press

(Elena) Kagan’s nomination raises another, somewhat uncomfortable question: what to make of the fact that, assuming she is confirmed, two of the three women on the court will be unmarried and childless. The obvious inference is that marriage and motherhood are not particularly compatible with the relentless career path required to achieve that level of success.

Read the full column.

Valentines Day was a piece of cake, or more precisely, a chicken pot pie, which I made from an Ina Garten recipe for friends who were coming to dinner. The midday weather was spectacular, and while my dough was resting in the fridge, I took Rose for a stroll in the park, and afterwards, we all watched the Olympics on TV. In other words, I felt happy. That is, until I stumbled onto Facebook’s Relationships and Happiness page, and their Gross National Happiness Index, which measures happiness based on the positive or negative words people use in their status updates. What a ludicrous barometer. “Just as expected,” FB writes, “people who are in a relationship or marriage do seem to be happier than everyone else.”

I will NOT let social media ruin my buzz. Let’s get the expert, Bella DePaulo, on the case.

Each suburban wife struggled with it alone. As she made the beds, shopped for groceries, matched slipcover material, ate peanut butter sandwiches with her children, chauffeured Cub Scouts and Brownies, lay beside her husband at night — she was afraid to ask even of herself the silent question — “Is this all?”

Why It’s Great to Be Single on Valentines Day, reason #3 from Emily:  

Ah Valentines day – My husband and I like to use it as an opportunity to get into a raging fight over unmet expectations. I’ve been married 13 yrs and I swear Vday never ceases to be disappointing. Real love and such sentiments come when you least expect them and don’t demand them. Also, small children find beautiful ways to joyfully celebrate Valentines day – and it has nothing to do with coupling, “romantic love” or sex. maybe they are on to something…

Christie Callan-Jones - Director
Sally Blake – Creative Producer and editor
Jeannette Loakman – Producer
Suzanne Mullett – Associate Producer

Wendy: What initially drew you to the subject of Cat Ladies?

Cat Ladies: Everyone seems to know a “Cat Lady” with the adjective of Crazy added to that stereotype.  There’s that myth that if you are in your 30′s, single and happen to have a couple of cats, a big red flag goes off and there is the assumption that you will never meet a man and instead you’ll end up old and lonely wearing moth eaten cardigans and eventually eaten by your cat… which actually doesn’t happen by the way. We wanted to get behind the closed door of the “crazy cat lady,” explore the stereotype and the themes of loneliness and alienation in the modern world.

The story was originally conceived by Suzanne Mullett, the Associate Producer of the film. About 10 years ago, she was being called a Cat Lady – mainly out of jest but with a hint of disdain. At the time she was living with 2 other people and they had 5 cats in the household, 2 were hers, 2 were her roommates and one was a friend of hers who moved and couldn’t take her cat with her. The term initially angered her because it was obvious it wasn’t a compliment. Then it started to intrigue her – where did this term come from?Why her, and so it began.

Wendy: Do you own a cat, or any other kind of pet?

Cat Ladies: That’s a good question! The producers, Sally and Jeannette, used to have cats and then lost them in their respective divorces. Suzanne had two and unfortunately lost one to cancer during the post production of the film (Suzanne has since gotten another cat – two is better than one.) And Christie got a puppy before production began, but if she hadn’t she may have adopted a cat instead!

Wendy: From your experience with the film, can owning a pet be therapeutic?

Cat Ladies: Definitely.  We all know how important pets can be in the caring of the sick and elderly for example. And with our experience making this film, the bonds the ladies developed with their cats was both genuine and very loving. A pet is dependent on its owner and can be in return a very receptive – and uncritical – companion!

Wendy: How did you decide whom to interview for the film?

The research for this film was incredibly important and took over 3 years to complete. First, Suzanne compiled many contacts within the animal welfare and cat rescue worlds, and then we hired an amazing researcher, Chanda Chevannas, who blanketed Toronto with requests for women who loved their cats to come forward. We ended up talking with dozens of potential characters and filming some of them.  Ultimately, we were looking for the right cross-section of women who could each reveal a different element of the “crazy cat lady” stereotype and whose stories were complimentary but distinct. For example, Margot had only 3 cats but her relationship with them was incredibly intense – perhaps a bit too all encompassing. Jenny had 17 and seemed at a critical turning point in her life looking for a relationship and wondering just how many cats was “too much”. Diane had 123 and was overwhelmed, sinking under a mountain of fur and trying desperately to reduce her numbers and get her old life back. And Sigi in some ways was the most stereotypical “cat lady” with the muumuu and the eccentric lifestyle – but she was also a very strong, passionate woman and a crusader for animal welfare and we thought that juxtaposition was both interesting and challenging for the viewer.

Wendy: Have you followed up with any of your subjects since making the film? If so, how are they doing?

Cat Ladies: We’re in contact with the ladies and for the most part their lives continue on unchanged. Jenny is still open to finding the right guy, but is doing great and very happy. Diane attempted to move out to the country but at the last minute found out there was a limit on the number of cats she could bring so for the time being she’s still living in the city and hasn’t really made a dent in her numbers. Sigi continues to run her sanctuary and lobby for subsidized spay and neuter programs. Margot unfortunately went through a bad patch. After the film, she lost her other two cats Fritz and Little One and was naturally quite devastated. But she bounced back, adopted two little kittens and is happily adding their photos to her immense collection!

Wendy: Did you consider interviewing a man, or someone who was married, who owned cats?

Cat Ladies: No – this film is about the “label” of cat lady that is slapped on women who decide to follow their own path in life against societal norms – albeit at the beck and call of a feline. “Cat Men” do exist of course, but in far fewer numbers and a man who has cats is considered eccentric whereas a woman is labeled crazy. For whatever reason – and we all have our theories – it really is special for women and cats.

Wendy: Did you have any pre-conceived ideas before making the film about single women and cats?

Cat Ladies: Like most women, we looked upon the notion of the “crazy cat lady” as something we very much wanted to avoid becoming! You believe, without really thinking about it, that a woman who lives alone with her cats is tragically lonely and deeply weird. But it was that universal knee-jerk reaction that got us thinking beyond the stereotype and looking deeper. Why should a woman be labeled “crazy” just because she’s single and likes cats? It’s very derogatory to women and has been used historically to marginalize women who choose to live differently – just think of how cats have been associated with witches for hundreds of years.

Wendy: If yes, what were they? And have they changed since making the film?

Cat Ladies: Definitely, there are some truths there associated with the stereotype. Loneliness was a common theme and cats really did replace something that was missing or at least perceived to be missing – love, friendship and validation. But what struck us all during the process of making this film was how amazing all the women were. Funny, passionate, independent, and bucking the societal norms. They knew people labeled them as “crazy” but they didn’t care – they loved their cats and believed in what they were doing. They were also very relatable and not at all “crazy”. After all, loneliness and alienation are common to all of us.

Wendy: Are you single?

Jeannette: Technically separated, but in a relationship that’s more part time than full (which is fine!)”

Sally: In love with a Frenchman and expecting a baby in the spring.

Suzanne: In a relationship, fairly new but forever. Honestly, I really thought it would be me and my cats.

Here’s my disclaimer. I have NOT seen the Canadian documentary, Cat Ladies, only this trailer. I read about the film over the summer and contacted the producer, who emailed that she will be sending me a copy for review. I hope, as their promotional materials indicate, the film shatters the stereotype of the cat lady, rather than plays into it. The preview does not make me hopeful.

For the record, I LOVE my cat.