First Person Singular by Wendy Braitman

Ghostwriting Your Dating Profile

An eager publicist emailed me today about profile wiz, a new service for $4.75 that promises to ghostwrite an enticing online dating profile in under five minutes. That would have come in handy for Steve, a recent “admirer” from Match.com. Steve’s profile was sketchy, and a little sarcastic, and in writing about the last movie he saw, he mentioned Hungover, which I’m assuming is really The Hangover, unless he’s talking about some porn film. I recently posted about Dating Dealbreakers, and a typo is not one of them. But I find that profiles provide clues (whether intentionally or not) and the idea that a surrogate would tell our stories for us, misses the point.

Would you hire a ghostwriter for your dating profile?

(Photo: Laziness by Anton Senkou-Melnik)

Never Call a Man?

Essayist Jane O’Reilly discussing the proper 1960 etiquette in When Everything Changed: The Amazing Journey of American Women from 1960 to the Present by Gail Collins:

The one absolutely unbreakable rule, guiding and controlling all contacts with the opposite sex, was never call a man.

Here it is 2010, yet some things never change. Out of all the straight men in my circle, I know of only one who likes when a woman initiates a date (and Miguel, I love you for that!) Others pay lip service to it, but they don’t honestly view it as appealing. I’m naturally proactive, finding it much easier to act than wait for someone else to, which has been a boon to my career, but not to my dating life. After years of testing the theory (sometimes painfully so) I’ve ultimately decided that sitting on my hands, and not bolting to make the call, gives me a lot more information (like, are they really into me.)  Yes, I’ve adapted my instincts. But please don’t misunderstand. This is NOT a rule. Just a strategy.

Dating Deal breakers

Born today in 1842 was the famed psychologist and philosopher William James, who also happened to be the brother of the great writer, Henry James (and sister of Alice). Among his many contributions, William James is credited with coining the phrase, “stream of consciousness.”             I particularly like his adage, “the art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.”

Which brings me to my Match.com date. Things began with a thud, when he didn’t buy me a cup of coffee, even though I introduced myself and was right behind him on line, and we’re not talking filet mignon, here. Just a decaf latte. It made for an awkward moment, and though it didn’t seal his fate, it caught my attention. Would it have been easier to overlook this lack of grace if he were sexy or witty or scintillating or rich? Maybe. Is this a dating deal breaker?

Which Shoes To Choose for a Blind Date?

I’m continuing my pattern of spending more time getting ready for a blind date than on the date itself. I’ve scheduled one for this Sunday, and I think it’s actually going to take place. If it does, it will be the first directly related to my five months of trolling around on Match.com. Eric (not his real name) and I have exchanged about a half dozen emails, and in none of them does he seem crazy, which is a step up from the last guy. In a departure from my usual tack, I’ve decided not to insist Eric pass the “phone test,” and I will meet him, instead, without ever having spoken. Risky?

We’re assembling for 11 AM coffee in a trendy Hollywood place. Stay tuned!

2010 Dating Update

Greg’s online dating profile, followed by his correspondence (in red, typos and all)

I am a man with midwest values who just happens to live in Los Angeles. I work in the movie/TV. industry. I have both my feet on the ground and i know who i am and what i want. I like simple things and drama is to be left for the big screen not everyday life.

I wasn’t particularly attracted to Greg’s photo (and he inconsistently capitalized the first person singular pronoun “i”) but his profile seemed nice enough, and he initiated contact, which doesn’t happen to me very often. So I dipped a toe in and asked Greg about his job.     Continue reading »

Is Sex Better When You’re Single?

When I get trapped at a party with a married person who wants to know why I’m still single, I have the perfect comeback line. “At least I have the hope of new sex.” Suddenly the conversation gets real quiet. It works every time. Yes, I’m up for adventure, but sometimes a little continuity would be nice. My biggest beef with sex and the single girl is not quantity, but quality. And quality usually requires intimacy. (Except for that one time….)

Why Women Have Sex is the title of a new book by Cindy M. Meston and David M. Buss, two pschology professors from the University of Texas at Austin, who interviewed 1006 women and identified 237 different reasons why we engage in sexual activity (e.g. sexual attraction, physical pleasure, expression of love). Do we really need a book to know this? Who, exactly, is the target audience? When the authors were asked in an interview about the next frontier in sexual research, David Buss replied, “the female sexual orgasm.” Now there’s a manual that would come in handy.

Is There a Link Between Dating and Exercise?

In a few days, I’m scheduled for a coffee date with a guy from Match. But you never know. Online daters have horrible etiquette, and saying and doing can be worlds apart. In any case, I’m prepping. My body is in pretty good shape. Yet, just the thought that a new man might eventually see me naked, adds some AB crunches to my workout. Perhaps an even bigger motivator is the desire to look good in a slinky dress.

Have you ever “exercise-crammed” for a date?

(The ultimate slinky dress is from Katie Gallagher)

Date update: POSTPONED

Zen and the Art of Rejection

William, my Yoda-like best friend who is also a gifted psychotherapist, has a standard comeback whenever someone complains about being romantically spurned. “It’s not personal,” he says. “It’s not about you.” Today, when I’m licking my rejection wounds, this advice makes me crazy, even though on an intellectual level, I get what he’s talking about. And so I ask him, what about when there IS mutual attraction, and you bask in the healing that comes from feeling loved and appreciated. “It’s not about you then, either.” Huh. What exactly is it that makes someone drawn to us or not? William tells me it’s wiring. And whose eyes we looked up at from our cribs.

Monday Morning Recap of a Blind Date

As a policy, I don’t post running commentary on the men I’m dating. (Details leading up to a first encounter, on the other hand, are fair game.) But what about the men I’m not dating?

Case in point. Over the weekend, I was “fixed up,” and it seemed to go surprisingly well. As soon as he walked in, I felt relaxed, like I knew I could be myself. The evening was filled with lively conversation, which came easily; we had many shared interests (important ones like food, movies and art) and hours passed by as if they were minutes. Plus, I thought he was cute.

When I phoned the “matchmaker” this morning asking for the scoop, there was an awkward silence on the other end. “We didn’t really talk about it,” my friend answered hesitantly. “That couldn’t be true. I mean, I know you’re two guys,” I blurted out. ”But he said nothing about me?!” “Well,” my friend replied, almost in a mumble, “I’m not sure it’s going anywhere. He thinks you’re too smart for him.” Oh, no, not that again. I hustled myself off the phone.  The thing is, I’m not too smart for him. So it’s code. But for what?

(The illustration above is of a real notepad, part of a line of products from Smart Women)

Blind Date Wardrobe Countdown

When it comes to what I’ll be wearing for my quasi blind date tomorrow night, it was impossible to follow the advice given to me three days ago by my married girlfriend: “Don’t over think it.” But since then, I’ve surveyed so many people and gotten enough conflicting information that I’ve actually worn myself out. Jeans, skirt, jeans, skirt. Ahhhhhhhhhh! Last night, I went so far as to test run a few outfits. I can only hope the man I’m going to meet tomorrow has not googled me, discovered this site, and is now reading these words in horror.

I know. Relax.