But it didn’t stop me, and it probably won’t stop you….  PLEASE add to the list!

(Illustration by Beth Adams)

1. How to wear high heels for a long evening, without regretting it in the morning?
2. How to apply concealer without looking like you’re wearing concealer?
3. How to keep polish on fingernails for more than a day without chipping?
4. How to stay warm in a sleeveless dress on a wintry day, especially in California, where no one likes to turn on the heat?
5. How to blow-dry hair, and not end up looking like your mother (or maybe that’s my mother)?
6. How to act like you don’t want it when you really do?

(Image: Nailpolish, 2009, by Elad Lassry)

Here are the ground rules. Uh, actually there are none. Comment as often as you like. You don’t have to be single to win (because how could I check). The winner will need to give us a first and last name, U.S. mailing address and phone number (for delivery purposes only). We’ll be gathering entries until January 28 and posting one great reason a day during the 10 days leading up to February 14.

Let the games begin…

LAST UPDATE: We have a winner!!!!!

]]> http://firstpersonsingular.org/2010/01/15/contest-why-its-great-to-be-single-on-valentines-day/feed/ 54 http://firstpersonsingular.org/2009/10/13/how-to-dig-yourself-out-of-a-bad-mood/ http://firstpersonsingular.org/2009/10/13/how-to-dig-yourself-out-of-a-bad-mood/#comments Wed, 14 Oct 2009 01:51:41 +0000 wendy http://firstpersonsingular.org/?p=6731 I’ve been reading about the new book, Bright-Sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America, by Barbara Ehrenreich, who is a writer I admire. I like the title and I get her point. Sometimes really terrible stuff happens, and there is no sane explanation for it, no talking your way out of it or using it as an opportunity for growth.

But it does help to have coping skills. During tough times, I dig into what I call a stress toolbox, which beats spending time buried underneath the covers (especially for me, since I’m a lousy sleeper). Here are the contents:

Tool 1:

EXERCISE. I take ballet class as often as I can. It’s challenging and requires such physical and mental focus that my state of grumpiness is always altered, even if it doesn’t last. Running. Biking. Yoga. Whatever. You can’t beat the endorphins.

Tool 2:

DRY VODKA MARTINI. The staples in my freezer are martini glasses and a bottle of vodka (as well as chocolate chip ice cream. See Tool 3). There is always a jar of Vermouth-soaked olives in the fridge. I hope it goes without saying that this is not advised if you can’t stop at one, or if you’re about to operate a moving vehicle.

Tool 3:

NOURISHMENT. I make myself a lovely meal, usually involving pasta and a chocolatey dessert. Great take-out (like chicken pot pie) works too, as does sitting at the counter of a wonderful restaurant where you feel at home.

Tool 4:

GRATITUDE. When I’m feeling particularly pitiful, I force myself to name at least three things from that day that I’m grateful for. The more bummed out I am, the more important this is to do. I literally have to force myself to come up with things. Only rule, nothing is too trivial. When I lived in San Francisco, a good parking spot was an easy bet for the top three.

Tool 5:

SPIRITUALITY. I pray with an incredible Jewish congregation every week, because it helps lift me beyond my petty gripes, to care more about community, and if I’m lucky, I catch a glimpse into the divine. I know praying is not for everyone. How about meditation?

These final two are my emergency tools, and what I reach for when all else fails. They often work in conjunction with one another.

Tool 6:

THIS TOO SHALL PASS. The bad times don’t last forever. (And as it goes, neither do the good times.) I tried to remember this during a recent root canal. Did it work? Not exactly. Which brings me to:

Tool 7:

GET COMFORTABLE WITH BEING UNCOMFORTABLE. It’s okay to feel bad sometimes, even if it hurts.

For those truly content heating up a fast-food dinner and consuming it leaning on the kitchen counter, this post is probably not for you. I’m reverential when it comes to meals. It’s the easiest way I know to nurture myself (other than seasonal shoe shopping). Eating dinner alone at home, for example, I use cloth napkins instead of paper. They’re not a big deal to wash (no ironing. I’m not that crazy), and I feel pampered and more eco-friendly because of it.

Here are five “Eating Single Survival Tips.” PLEASE ADD TO THIS LIST, whether it’s a favorite place in your hometown to grab a bite for one, or a signature dish you’re willing to share.

1) Cultivate great take-out spots with food that tastes like homemade -

In Los Angeles, a few in my repertoire:

- Al Gelato
A small selection of Italian food (pizza, lasagna, rigatoni) like grandma was cooking in the back. Scrumptious homemade gelato.
806 South Robertson Blvd. 
Los Angeles, CA 90035

- Zankou Chicken
Middle eastern food, with a specialty of tender rotisserie chicken accompanied by an irresistible garlic sauce. I always order the smoky Baba Ganoush as a side dish.

- Langer’s
The BEST pastrami sandwich (and I should know. I’m a Jew from New York)

- Clementine
Homemade seasonal food, from chicken pot pie to summer BBQ

2) Have a couple of recipes on hand that are easy for one –

I like to roast sweet potatoes, as a side dish. I cut the potato into 1 1/2 inch cubes, toss with one tablespoon of olive oil, and a sprinkle of salt and pepper, and roast in a 450 degree oven, for about 30 minutes until tender and crisp. Yum!

3) Make hearty foods like stew and chili in large portions, and then freeze in small containers to eat later.

4) Find restaurants with counters at the bar or open to the kitchen as an entertaining way to dine out alone.

5) Latch on to friends who are good cooks, and are happy to invite you over for a home-cooked meal.

I grabbed the best bedroom at the beach house for you, vacationing single women and men everywhere, who have been relegated to the bunk bed, the twin bed, the princess bed, the bed shaped like an airplane, the Spiderman-sheeted bed, the blow-up mattress that slowly leaks, so by morning there is only deflated polyurethane between you and the hardwood floor, or worse, the love seat in the living room, where you’re kept awake at both ends of your sleep cycle, by chatty revelers who drink all night, and chirpy early risers who brew the first pot of coffee. I grabbed the best bedroom at the beach house, because I was tired of being penalized for not having a mate and because I arrived there first, or in other words, because I COULD. Did I mention my boudoir had its own bathroom?  

This airy vacation house to which I’m referring is situated directly on Stinson Beach, a scenic town twenty miles north of the Golden Gate Bridge. The street address has “sea drift” in the name. The ample bedroom I grabbed was irresistible, tucked way in the back, with shafts of summer light pouring in. The king-sized bed with its soft sage comforter had a bounty of plump pillows that I stowed during sleep on the armchair at the other end of the room. It was a far cry from the cramped, windowless boys’ quarters down the hall, stuffed tight with two gingham single beds a foot apart.

To take a principled stand like this wasn’t easy. I dare not flinch, despite the withering glances as my straight married friends, together for years, and the newbie gay couple, who couldn’t take their hands off each other, surveyed the remaining bedrooms, and fully grasped the digs that were left.

As we head into July 4th, this might be a good time to remind people in pairs, lest you judge me for being selfish, that singles often greet summer holiday weekends, not with anticipation, but dread. Three long days and nights biding time in a hot apartment with no guaranty of companionship, picturing loved ones playing volleyball at fun-filled barbecues by the beach. I imagine them having lots of sex, which you might assume is my being icky and paranoid, but I checked with David Johnson, product manager for Trojan, and he confirmed that condom sales spike during July 4th and other such holidays.

I grabbed the best bedroom in the beach house, as an aspirational move, like when the slightly overweight (yet fantastic) Barney Frank wears his clothes a little tight, and Jeff Toobin writing in The New Yorker, views it as Frank’s “tendency to buy shirts in his aspirational, rather than his actual, size,” or when an eager job applicant dresses for success. To paraphrase the character played by James Earl Jones in Field of Dreams, if I choose the big bedroom, maybe “he will come.”

As fate would have it, invited to this gathering of dearest friends at the beach, was a stray, single man (adorable, BTW), and since he was the last to arrive, he wound up on the couch. That first night as I lounged in luxury, I pondered the nature of hospitality. The root of the word is the Latin hospes (host), also the root for hotel, hostel and hospital. Hospitality was viewed as sacred in Greek literature. Odysseus depended on it during his ten years on the road. In the Old Testament, Abraham lavishly took care of three strangers who showed up at his tent, even though he was recovering from circumcision. (Sorry, I needed that reference to make a point.) Did I owe anything to this attractive stranger squeezed into a tight love seat in the noisy living room? No matter. I fell soundly asleep. The second night, well… I’ll leave that to your imagination. But let me say here, if I should be part of a couple, heading out of town for a long, summer weekend, perhaps we’ll agree to give up our spacious room to a sleep-deprived and well-deserving vacationer traveling alone.

2) Enhance your wardrobe.
Put on clothes that make you feel like you’ve just had sex. Wear a flouncy skirt. Undo your top button. Moisturize. We know the benefits of lacy lingerie (which I find hard to summon up, during a dry spell). So, in my medicine cabinet, I keep a styling product called bedroom hair.

3) Stretch the Definition.
Include foreplay and passionate kissing, if it gets you off the schnide. No one’s counting.

4) Stay physical.
Keep in touch with your body. I take ballet class, which works my muscles, builds flexibility and gives me the chance, like sex, to be expressive without words. Need I add, use your vibrator?!

5) Change your focus.
Take in small victories. At 6:15 AM, I take Rose for her morning walk, and she’s tugging on the leash, her enthusiasm infectious. This time of year I see purple petals from a Jacaranda tree strewn on my neighbor’s moss-green lawn. It quiets my restless mind for a full minute. I feel grateful to be alive, even without sex.

6) Don’t tell.
Bear in mind that people won’t know you haven’t had sex for awhile, just by looking at you (except on those days when you don’t wash your face, and stay in those baggy sweats).

FINDING THE PERKS ELSEWHERE

I waited (and waited) for that husband who never arrived. Finally I got tired of doing without the benefits I’d been told only husbands could bring and made a list of what I was missing. My married girlfriends say I’ve imagined a dream spouse who exists only in old movies. I say it’s a good place to start. Once I identified what I wanted–sublime to ridiculous–I began to figure out where else these needs could be met.

COMPANIONSHIP

The day-to-day
Family and work events
Weddings
Vacations
Holidays
Birthdays
Meal time
Movies and Entertainment

PHYSICAL INTIMACY
Sex
Affection
Foot massage (do husbands actually do that?)

FITTING IN
With peers and colleagues
With family
In society

CHILDREN
Carrying on the genes
Bragging rights
Grandchildren
Extended family
Old age care

HEAVY LIFTING
Moving furniture
Opening jars with tight lids
Breaking up cardboard boxes for recycling
Lifting luggage into the plane’s overhead bin

JEWELRY
Surprise gifts
Fastening clasps I can’t reach

FINANCES
Home ownership
Sharing costs
Retirement

YOUR PIE CHART (Percentages may vary)

What would the perfect husband bring to your life?
1) Make a list. Be thorough. Have fun.
2) Put the list into categories
3) Assign percentages
4) Slice the pie
5) Where else can you get what you’re looking for? Invite a friend over and brainstorm.