–from “Observations of a Spinster,” New York Times, 1905
I think it should be better if my family would openly admit that they consider me a disgrace. I could combat that, but the implied disapproval conveyed in a hundred unconscious ways gets upon my nerves. There is my married sister, for instance. No one ever pays attention to her little spasms of temper. But when I indulge in a little elemental behavior of a similar sort it’s a very different thing. More than once I have surprised my loved ones exchanging a long-suffering aggrieved look-and I do not need to go to a lexicon to interpret it. It means, “What a crank Bertha is getting to be!
A few years ago after a nasty breakup, a friend living in San Francisco’s Mission District, bought a BMW. This was big news. San Franciscans don’t care much for prestige cars and a BMW is considered a little vulgar. In his new car, B– was meticulous about his driving habits. At a four way stop, he would wait patiently until everyone drove through, even when he arrived first. He switched lanes only after exhaustively checking to make sure no one would feel cut off. He relinquished parking spots if there was the slightest competition. B– didn’t want to feed the conventional wisdom that he was a jerk and a showoff. BMW drivers in San Francisco are not given the benefit of the doubt.
Up the hill, two women whom I admire, who are politically and socially sophisticated just assume their daughters will marry. One evening, we fold napkins together, and set them out on the long oak table for dinner. They banter about the kind of men their daughters will end up with. “He’ll be an artist with no money, but she’ll insist on a big wedding,” one says with nervous laughter. “I’m sure Kate will marry a social worker,” the other responds, “and they’ll end up living in Guatemala.”
Inside my head, a voice stirs: “Don’t you know, not everyone marries?” But I don’t say it out loud because we’re having a pleasant time, and I’m afraid to get branded as bitter. I imagine their retort. “Just because it didn’t work out for you, doesn’t mean it won’t happen to everyone else.” I can’t bear to hear that, not tonight, and I keep my mouth shut.