First Person Singular by Wendy Braitman

Contest: Why It’s Great to Be Single on Valentines Day

Are you fed up with buying your own Valentines Day candy, or hoping a loved one will bring you some?  We can change that. All you have to do is come up with the best reason why it’s great to be single on Valentines Day and we’ll deliver a box of yummy L.A. BURDICK artisanal chocolate  to your home in time for the holiday.

Here are the ground rules. Uh, actually there are none. Comment as often as you like. You don’t have to be single to win (because how could I check). The winner will need to give us a first and last name, U.S. mailing address and phone number (for delivery purposes only). We’ll be gathering entries until January 28 and posting one great reason a day during the 10 days leading up to February 14.

Let the games begin…

LAST UPDATE: We have a winner!!!!!

Paying Your Way

For one brief stint in the 90’s, I lived with a man who kept me. By kept, I mean, he paid all the bills, and gave me spending money when I needed it, which was the only way I could agree to walk away from my job and follow him to live in Europe. Never before or since, have I experienced this arrangement, which had its glamorous side. But with his money, came obligation and dependence. I began to hoard, so I could have money of my own. I became a yes woman.

When my stubbornly independent mother was dying, she whispered to me of her shame from no longer having money in her wallet. I never told my Dad, it would have hurt him so. For the rest of her life, I made sure there was always $100 in her purse.

(Image: Domesticated Marionettes by Hayv Kahraman, an artist born in 1981 in Baghdad, who now lives and works in the U.S.  Thanks to ajourneyroundmyskull for posting her work.)

Be Generous

There are occasions when analyzing how happy I am seems petty compared to what’s going on in the world. (Not often enough, I’m afraid.) The catastrophic earthquake in HAITI has such far-reaching consequences, that I hope, if you haven’t done so yet, you’ll consider making a donation. Here’s a list of a varied group of agencies offering relief to Haiti, in this moment of urgent need.

Update: If you have a mobile phone with a major wireless carrier, you can send a $10 donation to Red Cross Haiti relief by texting ‘Haiti’ to 90999. It will be charged to your next cell phone bill.

Never Call a Man?

Essayist Jane O’Reilly discussing the proper 1960 etiquette in When Everything Changed: The Amazing Journey of American Women from 1960 to the Present by Gail Collins:

The one absolutely unbreakable rule, guiding and controlling all contacts with the opposite sex, was never call a man.

Here it is 2010, yet some things never change. Out of all the straight men in my circle, I know of only one who likes when a woman initiates a date (and Miguel, I love you for that!) Others pay lip service to it, but they don’t honestly view it as appealing. I’m naturally proactive, finding it much easier to act than wait for someone else to, which has been a boon to my career, but not to my dating life. After years of testing the theory (sometimes painfully so) I’ve ultimately decided that sitting on my hands, and not bolting to make the call, gives me a lot more information (like, are they really into me.)  Yes, I’ve adapted my instincts. But please don’t misunderstand. This is NOT a rule. Just a strategy.

Dating Deal breakers

Born today in 1842 was the famed psychologist and philosopher William James, who also happened to be the brother of the great writer, Henry James (and sister of Alice). Among his many contributions, William James is credited with coining the phrase, “stream of consciousness.”             I particularly like his adage, “the art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.”

Which brings me to my Match.com date. Things began with a thud, when he didn’t buy me a cup of coffee, even though I introduced myself and was right behind him on line, and we’re not talking filet mignon, here. Just a decaf latte. It made for an awkward moment, and though it didn’t seal his fate, it caught my attention. Would it have been easier to overlook this lack of grace if he were sexy or witty or scintillating or rich? Maybe. Is this a dating deal breaker?

Staying Healthy

While the x-ray technician was pressing my breasts between cold plates of glass this week, I thought about developing a ranking system for all the unpleasant medical procedures that are necessary for general upkeep. Take the mammogram. (Please.) It’s uncomfortable, but over in minutes, yet followed by anxious days waiting for the results. Getting teeth cleaned (which I also did this week) takes almost an hour, there are sharp tools and drooling involved, but I walk out of the dentist without a care in the world. GYN appointment? So little going for it.

(This image is a part of a photographic series by Chris Jordan called BARBIE DOLLS.  Click to his site, and scroll down to see the surprising sequence of photos. They’re amazing.)

Which Shoes To Choose for a Blind Date?

I’m continuing my pattern of spending more time getting ready for a blind date than on the date itself. I’ve scheduled one for this Sunday, and I think it’s actually going to take place. If it does, it will be the first directly related to my five months of trolling around on Match.com. Eric (not his real name) and I have exchanged about a half dozen emails, and in none of them does he seem crazy, which is a step up from the last guy. In a departure from my usual tack, I’ve decided not to insist Eric pass the “phone test,” and I will meet him, instead, without ever having spoken. Risky?

We’re assembling for 11 AM coffee in a trendy Hollywood place. Stay tuned!

Is Chemistry Overrated?

Here’s an excerpt from the always wonderful Ariel Levy, writing in The New Yorker about a new memoir on the trials of marriage by Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love.

For all the variability in the meaning of marriage, one fairly consistent element over time and place was that it had nothing to do with love. “For most of history it was inconceivable that people would choose their mates on the basis of something as fragile and irrational as love and then focus all their sexual, intimate, and altruistic desires on the resulting marriage,” [Stephanie] Coontz writes. In fact, loving one’s spouse too much was considered a threat to social and religious order, and was discouraged in societies as disparate as ancient Greece, medieval Islam, and contemporary Cameroon. The modern Western ideal of marriage as both romantic and companionate is an anomaly and a gamble. As soon as people in any culture start selecting spouses based on emotion, the rates of broken marriages shoot up.

FYI, Stephanie Coontz is the writer of Marriage, a History.

(Illustration by Sophie Blackall from her site, Missed Connections.)

In Search of the Perfect Man (or T-Shirt)

I’m a pragmatist. When I can’t find pleasure where I’m supposed to (e.g. love, marriage, or an occasional date with a semi-coherent man) I turn to fashion. And since I’m a pragmatist, there’s nothing like the pleasure of finding clothing I can really use. So I was thrilled to have received a tip about J. Crew’s tissue tees (only available in their online catalogue). They’re a sleek fit, which makes them the perfect layering piece under sweaters and tight jackets, and sorry James Perse and Theory, they’re at least half the price. So far, I can vouch for their basic colors: black, navy, white or gray. And as of right now, there’s a 20% off sale.

(This image is one in a series of paintings by Jacob Dahlgren based on his personal collection of 900 striped t-shirts, one of which he wears every day.)

2010 Dating Update

Greg’s online dating profile, followed by his correspondence (in red, typos and all)

I am a man with midwest values who just happens to live in Los Angeles. I work in the movie/TV. industry. I have both my feet on the ground and i know who i am and what i want. I like simple things and drama is to be left for the big screen not everyday life.

I wasn’t particularly attracted to Greg’s photo (and he inconsistently capitalized the first person singular pronoun “i”) but his profile seemed nice enough, and he initiated contact, which doesn’t happen to me very often. So I dipped a toe in and asked Greg about his job.     Continue reading »