filed in Daily Life
Personal Evaluation
I recently met a woman who was yearning to be in a romantic relationship. She’d had a failed marriage and was doing a fair amount of dating, but had not been able to connect with a suitable partner. A colleague wanted to fix her up with someone he knew, and suggested she come to a dinner party where the man was to be a guest. This woman wanted to understand if there was something she might be doing that was turning men off, and asked her colleague to observe her interaction with this potential date and give her feedback. His advice: Be yourself. What do you think of her strategy? Could you ask a friend to watch you date?
Discussion
10 comments for “Personal Evaluation”
Leave a Reply
About this Site
FIRST PERSON SINGULAR is a guide to surviving, thriving and sometimes just getting through a single day. Created by Wendy Braitman (more…)
Follow First Person Singular
Greatest Hits
I’ve brought friends on dates, and I don’t mean a double date, I mean that I was asked out and I brought a friend with me to the restaurant or movie theater. I’ve also been a third party on other friend’s dates. I don’t think it’s unusual at all. It actually “normalizes” the situation and cuts down on any unnecessary tension. People often rely on a wing-man or wing-woman to get things going when they meet someone interesting. What concerns me way more about the woman in your description is that she cares way too much of what men think of her and is seeking something (or someone) outside of herself to feel complete. That doesn’t seem healthy. It doesn’t seem like she really knows what she wants. She wants to “BE in a relationship.” She wants that because she craves to be restored to the existence that she knew before divorce. Is that likely to bring her lasting peace and contentment though? I have known some people who NEED to be in a relationship. Invariably, these are people who can’t shut the constant stream of self-criticism from their minds off and are unable to live in the present.
I have no issue with this woman’s yearning to be in a relationship, and I don’t know enough to comment on her motives. But I found it so interesting that she was willing to have her dating technique evaluated.
I would love if one of my friends could “watch me date” and let me know where I’m going wrong. But to be honest, most of my friends (almost all of whom are now coupled up) will pull the old adage of “you shouldn’t have to TRY to meet someone, it will just happen naturally!”. Yea right.
Yeah, I have gotten that phrase thrown out at me too. But when I don’t try at all, the same people say “you should be putting yourself out there!!” We just can’t win, can we? The key is not spending too much time caring what others think of us! 🙂
You’ve hit on it, Leyla. Not to be too concerned about what others think.
It’s curious that your friends would think “trying” to meet someone isn’t natural.
Omg that would be so embarrassing. I feel like plenty of people with tragic social skills manage to get married or find partners. I don’t think I need my dating skills critiqued, lol. Poor lady though worrying about that. And major props to the friend who followed through on an introduction, and in a nice low pressure environment too. I get so irritated over friends who tell you all about some amazing person, then do nothing to even try to introduce you. Why?
The last person who set me up on a blind date was a neighbor who I hardly knew. All things considered, her instincts were good (even though it didn’t work out.) I really appreciated it.
this is pretty thought provoking topic, I want to say that it’s best to just keep it real when meeting someone & be yourself…..however it reminds me of the writing/speaking that Aziz Anzari has been doing lately regarding men texting for first dates; he’s done a lot of research and determined that the most effective texts for getting a first date will say something funny, recall back to specifics from the initial conversations & will name a specific time and place to meet. And I can see where this kind of coaching would be helpful; a sincerely interested guy might send a very casual initial text (‘what’s up’/’let’s get coffee’) and not receive a response. So maybe some coaching is helpful to get the ball rolling…….
I think the best we can do when meeting someone new is show up with our authentic selves. But I do appreciate her earnestness and openness for self improvement. It’s very touching.