filed in Myths and stereotypes
Bitter: Table for One? Not Tonight
–from “Observations of a Spinster,” New York Times, 1905
I think it should be better if my family would openly admit that they consider me a disgrace. I could combat that, but the implied disapproval conveyed in a hundred unconscious ways gets upon my nerves. There is my married sister, for instance. No one ever pays attention to her little spasms of temper. But when I indulge in a little elemental behavior of a similar sort it’s a very different thing. More than once I have surprised my loved ones exchanging a long-suffering aggrieved look-and I do not need to go to a lexicon to interpret it. It means, “What a crank Bertha is getting to be!
A few years ago after a nasty breakup, a friend living in San Francisco’s Mission District, bought a BMW. This was big news. San Franciscans don’t care much for prestige cars and a BMW is considered a little vulgar. In his new car, B– was meticulous about his driving habits. At a four way stop, he would wait patiently until everyone drove through, even when he arrived first. He switched lanes only after exhaustively checking to make sure no one would feel cut off. He relinquished parking spots if there was the slightest competition. B– didn’t want to feed the conventional wisdom that he was a jerk and a showoff. BMW drivers in San Francisco are not given the benefit of the doubt.
Up the hill, two women whom I admire, who are politically and socially sophisticated just assume their daughters will marry. One evening, we fold napkins together, and set them out on the long oak table for dinner. They banter about the kind of men their daughters will end up with. “He’ll be an artist with no money, but she’ll insist on a big wedding,” one says with nervous laughter. “I’m sure Kate will marry a social worker,” the other responds, “and they’ll end up living in Guatemala.”
Inside my head, a voice stirs: “Don’t you know, not everyone marries?” But I don’t say it out loud because we’re having a pleasant time, and I’m afraid to get branded as bitter. I imagine their retort. “Just because it didn’t work out for you, doesn’t mean it won’t happen to everyone else.” I can’t bear to hear that, not tonight, and I keep my mouth shut.
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I think that mothers assume that their daughters will follow in their footsteps.
I wish that discussion of young women’s lives would be more like mens and about the women themselves and their skills and not all about the man who will or will not provide them with financial security.
Speaking as a stepmom of a grown daughter and son, I figured they’d marry. She did; he didn’t. Moms (and dads) want grandchildren; maybe part of an evolutionary imperative about species perpetuation. I also remember having at least as much conversation with my daughter as my son about career, and in fact, they’re both independent businesspeople today.
Quite honestly, single and happy as I am, I think it’s a problem so many are single. Partnership is good! What has happened that makes it so difficult to achieve?
I read a lot of singles sites like mine, where the women are quite clear on how fine they are on their own, but surely none of us would reject a good partner to retain the benefits of singlehood? Would we?
The majority of people do marry. But I would have been spared a lot of pain, had I known there was even the possibility of living a fulfilling life as a single woman. So I’m glad we’re speaking out.
Random thoughts in response to Sixty and Single: Relationships these days are difficult, that’s why so many are single. Because one doesn’t have to take anyone else’s cr*p anymore, so onto the next thing. That’s a good thing, and a bad thing. The bad thing is people have no patience, they don’t really want to work on the relationship, they go on to find better luck elsewhere.
I would not reject a good partner to retain the benefits of singlehood but I have never been with anyone for more than four years and I don’t know how it can be done. Seriously, I watch couples holding hands on the street and thing “How do you do it??” Maybe they’ve all comrpomised, maybe really good, functional relationships are as rare as I think they are.