filed in Happy Ever After, Sex and Dating
Are We Too Picky?
How many times have you heard from well-intentioned loved ones (yes, Mom, I mean you!) that the reason you aren’t married is, “you’re too picky.” Remember all those potential spouses you’ve said no to? No to the friend of a friend’s friend (none of whom knew your taste, but why turn down a blind date?) who is politically conservative and certain, even though he can’t provide evidence to the contrary, that Michelle Obama is angry and overbearing; no to the aggressive fellow who has gained so many pounds through the years that his neck has disappeared into his shoulders and doesn’t listen to a word you’re saying, and when he goes in for a sloppy kiss at the end of dinner, you think, “if it’s a choice between having sex with him, or never having sex again, I choose the latter”; no to the spartan composer in his late forties living in a cramped, studio apartment with a single bed, in spacious L.A., and at 6’4” his feet dangle over the edge, and when women spend the night, they have to camp out on the floor. Yes, I’ve said my share of no’s. But I am no more picky than my married friends. I am certain that Mr. Right or even Mr. Right enough to settle down and make a decent life together, has NOT slipped through the cracks.
About six months ago, I first came across Marry Him! a piece in The Atlantic by Lori Gottlieb, who makes the case for why it’s sensible to settle, even though Gottlieb is a single Mom who never did. Her writing is smart and funny, but I was scared to read it. What if she’s right? Every month, I’d scan a paragraph or two from the article and put it away. It was not until today, wanting to post about being “picky,” that I had the courage to read it all the way through. (Don’t hesitate, as I did.)
I found solace when Gottlieb described the television characters Will and Grace as her marriage role models. I’ve been sharing a home and a life with my gay best friend, whose name also happens to be Will, for the last seven years. As far as families go, it couldn’t be better. See what you get for being picky.
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Yes, Wendy, I read that article when it came in the Atlantic, and basically it seemed to me to be aimed at women who want families more than husbands. (And did you, like me, have about 8 friends/family who instantly emailed you the link? Grrrh!)
Honestly, the Atlantic is driving me crazy, including that recent Tsing Loh piece. She seems more hip than thoughtful to me. What I’ve been thinking lately is that honesty is the most powerful aphrodisiac, and it too often slipslides away in marriages. But where better to get it back?
This sums up what I think of “Marry Him” by Lori Gottlieb.
Gotta love how, despite all her advice, the author couldn’t bring herself to take it.
[…] thinking about the quote all day, and it strikes me as particularly apropos of my recent post, Are We Too Picky? I’m supposing that Murdoch who married Bayley in her mid-thirties, would answer with a […]