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The Meaning of Life
Yesterday on a perfect summer’s evening, I leashed up my dog, Rose, for a walk to the park. As I was sprinting out the door, I ran into my next door neighbor, a first time Dad, as of a few days ago. He’s quiet, and we generally don’t chat much, we mostly nod in passing, but this was a special occasion. I asked how his wife and boy were doing, expecting him to be overwhelmed with the chaos of a newborn. He responded calmly (and he’s Austrian, so somewhat formally), “Very well. It couldn’t be better.” And he continued, with a reverential tone, “I feel complete. There was something missing in my life, but now with my son, I feel whole.” I believed him. I could see it on his face, which was uncharacteristically serene, the furrows of his brow were smooth, like the skin on a baby.
For a few moments, I stood in front of my house in awe. And then, envy. Was I less complete for never having children? Was I missing an essential something?
This was more than I could bear to contemplate on a balmy summer night, and I went on my way to romp with Rose in the park.
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I know how you feel – I used to feel like this but I’ve been keeping in contact with childfree friends, and reading childfree things online and it’s not a problem anymore.
But with things like this it takes a while for thoughts to change, and they only change if the person it exposing themselves to thoughts and environments that help them change …. know what I mean??
I’m sure you won’t feel like this forever
Well, my comment just got erased, so I’m going to try to repeat what I can from memory.
Interestingly, this subject has been at the forefront of my mind, too. A few days ago, I visited a friend in the hospital who had just given birth to her first baby, also a boy. Although she had some early reservations about the pregnancy, she was glowing and said that “it was totally worth it.” She was talking about how she already wanted to try for another in a year or so.
When I’m around babies, I don’t normally hear the ticking of my biological clock, but as I held this one, I found myself thinking, “I like this. I could do this. I might even WANT to do this.” Maybe it’s my age (I turned 30 this year), or maybe it was the fact that this was the first baby born to one of my friends–a peer in every sense of the word–not an older relative or co-worker. Whatever it was, for the first time, I felt a real pang of longing for a child.
It’s so obvious that lots of people regret getting married, but I’ve never heard anyone say they regretted having their kids (or at least I’ve never heard anyone admit to it). On the contrary, even when times are tough, it’s common to hear parents say that their kids are such blessings, that they never knew what love was before they were born, that they would do it all over again in a heartbeat. That kind of universal fervor makes you wonder if there really is a spot in the human heart that only a child can fill. Truthfully, it’s impossible to understand what you are or aren’t missing when you’re child-free.
That said, I’ve known some parents who just…shouldn’t have been. More to the point, I know that if I was to have a baby now, I would be one of them. So I tell myself that I’m doing the mature and responsible thing by remaining child-free right now.
Luckily, I don’t think I need a baby to “complete” me because I have creative pursuits that fulfill me already. I think a lot of people don’t have that. They work in jobs they find meaningless and basically live for the weekends, when they can kick back in front of the TV or go to the movies. For people like that, I think a child really might infuse life with a sense of purpose that they didn’t have before. But I don’t need a child to give me a sense of purpose; I already have that. Instead, I think my interest in child rearing would have more to do with that family connection, especially since my family of origin is small.
Good post! I’m glad you brought this up. It’s good to know I’m not the only one who has doubts when parents speak glowingly of their kids!