filed in Sex and Dating
Do Never-Married Men Raise a Red Flag?
During the summer, I dated a man with multiple ex-wives. At first, he refused to tell me exactly how many. A look of panic came over my face, and he responded, “You’ve NEVER been married. Who are you to talk?” Ouch. He had a point. I don’t want to be marginalized by my marriage (okay, no-marriage) history, nor should I be doing that to anyone else.
And yet, when I scan a man’s profile on a dating site, who is “never-married,” (and at least in his forties) I immediately wonder what’s wrong with him. Am I a hypocrite? And I shudder to think, is it possible they’re feeling the same way about me?
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So true! I’ve been engaged, but not married, and I worry what men will think of the fact that I have a broken engagement in my past. But, if a man hasn’t been engaged or married by a certain point, I wonder why not/what’s wrong. I know it’s a double standard, but I can’t help it!
I don’t think “what’s wrong with him” but I do wonder what his story is. I know lots of guys who reach their late 30’s or 40’s who have been in a few long-term (like several years long) relationships and to me, that’s very different than someone who has never dated someone longer than a few months.
I think the same thing. It’s really not fair, though, is it? After all, I’m over 30 and single, and there’s nothing wrong with me. Ahem.
I’ve caught myself wondering this, too, though much less often since I tuned into concepts like singlism and matrimania. Now if I have that kind of fleeting thought, I’m more likely to follow it up with a conscious reminder that “single” does NOT equal “bad catch” any more than “married” equals “good catch.” Then, as further evidence, I remind myself of all the fantastic people I know who got married later in life as opposed to all the people I know who married total duds early on. Marriage is hardly a barometer of emotional health or any other measure of success.
I’m appalled at what that guy who was collecting ex-wives said to you! If I had to pick between someone who successfully avoided making a life-changing mistake and someone who made that mistake more than once, I know who I’d choose in a heartbeat.