filed in Sex and Dating
Dating Deal breakers
Born today in 1842 was the famed psychologist and philosopher William James, who also happened to be the brother of the great writer, Henry James (and sister of Alice). Among his many contributions, William James is credited with coining the phrase, “stream of consciousness.” I particularly like his adage, “the art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook.”
Which brings me to my Match.com date. Things began with a thud, when he didn’t buy me a cup of coffee, even though I introduced myself and was right behind him on line, and we’re not talking filet mignon, here. Just a decaf latte. It made for an awkward moment, and though it didn’t seal his fate, it caught my attention. Would it have been easier to overlook this lack of grace if he were sexy or witty or scintillating or rich? Maybe. Is this a dating deal breaker?
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Eyebrow raise for sure, but you know… the dude paying for the first date expectation kind of sucks. I wish dutch was the expectation (especially for first dates with internet people), because then I don’t feel obligated to stick around any longer than I have to. If you are a guy and I slip the waitress my card on the way to the bathroom, your chances of a second date are pretty much zero.
Honestly, he probably wasn’t even thinking. Or he was overthinking. In a lot of ways, guys have it much, much rougher than we do. But if he wasn’t ringing any of your bells, well… yeah. I know some people have the philosophy that you should give everyone a chance at a second date (provided they aren’t a total creeper), but in my experience it is a complete waste of time if they just aren’t doing it for you at all.
I agree with you. And had I gotten there first, I would have offered to buy him a cup of coffee.
wendy
Had he bought you the coffee, it would have been nice, but it shouldn’t be a dealbreaker.
I’ve been told by some women that they hate it when men pay for things on the first date because there’s an expectation that follows. (This could start a whole discussion of dinner-for-sex is effectively the same thing as money-for-sex…ahem.)
Not being sexy or witty or scintillating or rich might be a dealbreaker, though! Was there anything redeeming about him?
Cheapness is totally a deal-breaker! It’s not about expectations; it’s about putting your best self forward. For God’s sake, we’re talking a latte here. Don’t waste 20 years of your life, as I did, with a man who’s frantic about parting with a few bucks. Cheap is in the DNA and it doesn’t go away upon falling in love or even getting married. Generosity of wallet and generosity of spirit are completely relevant to the dating experience, regardless of who’s paying. Next!!!!
GOING DUTCH is fine, and sometimes even preferable, but it’s never sexy. This applies to both sexes. It’s also less generous, light hearted, affable and, in my opinion, fun. (I’m with Wendy, it feels more natural to me to buy my friend or date coffee when I’m first in line than not to.)
With regards to dating, sex and power are inextricably intertwined. The person who buys the meal has the upper hand. Sure, there may be a tinge of, “Do I owe him (or her) something now?” But, assuming you’re an adult who is able to say no when you please, isn’t the grey area part of the appeal? Sometimes you have to ask yourself, do I want to balanced, or do I want to be sexy?
Hmmm… I would prefer going dutch for an internet first date, for the reason described (no obligations!) But that’s just me.
I have to wonder, though, what it says about us liberated single gals, that we still *expect* a man to automatically pay (even if it is a cheap latte)?
Re: whether or not it was a dealbreaker: Go with your gut, since it’s usually right. 🙂
A man who takes pride in being a good person would automatically offer to pay. He wouldn’t even THINK about doing something different. Our societal expecations are absorbed by the male species as well. So, he knows that he should offer. If you were then to decline, that would be fine. But it is rude not to offer.
Maybe I’ve been living in the South too long, but honestly, even on the west coast, I felt the same way.
You can tell something about a man who doesn’t offer to pay and I don’t think its a good thing.
He isn’t very generous if he doesn’t want to spend a couple bucks to make a good impression.
Of course, then there is the dude who pays and then acts like he did something so noble that you ought to bow down and kiss his feet.
That is obnoxious too.
I don’t think it is a dealbreaker this early – it’s just odd and uncomfortable. The “date” context probably made him feel awkward, but in most social and business situations the first person in line picks up the tab for a couple of coffees without much thought. The fact that it is not an automatic gesture for him certainly provides clues. Was the rest of the time spent with him pleasant and were you interested in finding out more? Those are the bottom line questions I would be asking after a coffee date – if I ever have another one…
Cheers!
I’m going to go with HG’s assessment that he might have been OVER-thinking. “It’s just coffee right so it’s not a date-date because if she wanted a date-date we would be on one probably so she probably doesn’t want a date-date right now so she probably doesn’t want me to do anything date-ish because that might seem presumptious so I won’t buy her coffee.”
I say overlook it until the next incidence of cheapness, at which point THAT’s a dealbreaker.
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