filed in Sex and Dating
Is It Time to Return to Match.com?
It has been more than 13 months since my 2011 New Year’s resolution to re-enter the world of dating sites. The mere thought of it makes me want to retreat. But how else does one strategically go after getting a date? Give me courage.
Image: Hiding Figure, 2011 by Daniel Arsham
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32 comments for “Is It Time to Return to Match.com?”
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I know what you mean. Have been on ‘match’ now for 6 months (2nd go-around!) and sure enough it’s had its expected weirdness. But to be honest, it has kind of grown on me. For one thing, it opens up the “world” to so many more people than you would otherwise get to meet, some of whom have interesting stories/lives. If nothing else, it makes for good conversation. I keep my expectations low, play it safe, and focus on the possibilities. This attitude change has made a big difference in my opinion about online dating.
That is a very sane attitude, and I applaud you for it. I will try to incorporate into my thinking about online dating. Thanks so much for the useful strategy!
I recommend Meetup.com. I belong to 4 meetup groups and I have met lots of people and had a few good dates. I am currently dating someone I met at a Fine Dining Group.
I recommend OkCupid. It’s free, and they have a really good system of questions and matching. You can browse through other people’s public answers to questions, and they give a good picture of other people before you even get to the messaging stage.
Plus you tend to get a lot of the questions answered that you’d be a bit embarrassed to ask in person.
I’ve been dating for two months now, part of which included Christmas, which is horrible for dating. In that time I’ve had really good messaging conversations with 12 people, 5 first dates, and I’ve got a fourth date planned with one of them.
And I’m not like super-attractive or super-smooth or anything.
One comment on strategy. Approach it as a game. Go out with people you don’t think you’ll like just for the experience. Once you decide there won’t be a second date, push your limits on what you’re talking about, since you now really have license to have a fun time.
Think of “achievement points” you can get besides just getting a boyfriend. Stuff you can tell as a story. That way even when you strike out you can still claim small victories.
Remember, being a good date is a skill, just like being a good interviewee. If you’re going to do it, you might as well be good at it. So treat it like a game, practice, and have fun.
I support Anthony’s comment above. I detest the culture of online dating, but have signed back up to eHarmony and have been on a few dates with a similar attitude as Anthony has outlined. I look at it as an opportunity to meet new people and when dates go wrong, they often make very funny stories. Like the guy I went out with a few weeks back that got teary talking about a passage from a Harry Potter novel. On the 1st date! Get on board and enjoy!
I’m sure I’ve said this before – for me, online dating just doesn’t work out and I end up spending way to much mental and emotional energy on it with negative outcomes. Online dating is an artificial environment that seems to create unrealistic expectations. Rather than play “the game”, I choose to put all that energy into volunteer work that is meaningful to me and certainly more gratifying. Who knows, maybe I’ll meet someone along the way?
I don’t think of it as an artificial environment, but a necessary means to an end. However, I don’t seem to get good results, which makes me dread the process. I’m trying to draw inspiration from the lighthearted attitude of some who have commented. The whole enterprise makes me a little nauseous.
Blurgh, so hard! Best of luck to you! Too bad dating websites aren’t better at giving a true sense of a person’s personality:( I recently gave up on online dating because of too many awkward first dates, and have tried to look more available while reading at coffeeshops and mellow wine bars. So far, a few guys have talked to me, but no major success:(
My friends who have succeeded at it, are the ones who are really good at “volume” dating. That would NOT be me.
I met my husband on Craig’s List Personals, of all places. I used Match and eHarmony, as well. We’ve been mrried 1.5 years and have known each other a little more than 2 years! We’ve both never regretted it. Neither of us wanted children, and we opened 2 businesses together.
Wow. Craig’s List. Sounds like fate. And a happy story.
Oh lord! Avoid Match and eHarmony at all costs. OKCupid is much better (and free). Why is it better? It’s not focussed on “the right one.” It’s about meeting fun interesting people without the pressure….. SR
Match is awful. I will consider OKCupid, if I get the stamina.Thanks for the suggestion!
I’ve been trying to gather the strength to try online dating again for a while now. I did every dating site at some point (yes, even OKCupid and Plentyoffish), starting around 5 years ago until I unceremoniously dumped all of them around 2 years ago after wading through hundreds of messages where I couldn’t fathom why the guy bothered to contact me (numbers game, maybe?), and suffering through dozens of really bad dates, and more than a handful of complete nutcases, and only scoring a few good dates, and never having any of those work out for more than a few weeks.
But “getting out there” off-line hasn’t worked out much better. I’ve even stooped so low as to occasionally let the thought cross my mind that at least when I was dating online I got a free meal or something every once in a while, rather than just occasionally having to ward off a too-agressive guy in person! The one big thing holding me back is that I read one blog that features personals from their related online dating site in their sidebar, and they’re almost ALWAYS women. The ratio of women-to-men HAS to be 20-1. Looking at those profile features sets the little man in the back of my head to thinking that online dating will be another monumental waste of my time…how can I compete in a pool like that! Ugh.
Thanks for jumping into the conversation. I try not to worry about the odds, when it’s something I’m passionate about. So I wouldn’t let that stop you.
I have been on match, when I read the profiles I am left with the feeling, that it would be terribly egotistical of me to think that I would be the one to fill this woman’s needs after she has 50+ years of life and loves.
I think it’s hard to predict what a person needs, just by reading a profile.
Ugh…I regularly swear off Match.com and every other dating website I’m on. Occasionally the eternal optimist in me tells me to give it another go. Good luck!!
People’s eyes see only what their mind is prepared to comprehend, especially women’s eyes on dating sites, where there exists no man who cannot be summarily dismissed. Thus, even the produce section beats the online apocalypse every day of the week. (Oh, the melons… The melons… The melons…)
Are women’s eyes different than mens?
I think I’ve tried all the sites and just finished 3 months of Match. I wasn’t remotely attracted to any of the many dates I had, and I’m not a difficult person to be around! OKCupid was the most fun but is geared to the younger (20s-30’s)crowd. Not a lot of choice for a 50+ female (and I date younger men). Don’t even ask me about seniors.com. Like dating your father…
Whoa. Doesn’t sound enticing.
I guess online dating magnifies the invisibility I often feel in the world by reminding me that I’m not a youngster (I’m 57) though I still feel(and look) like one. Maybe it’s a necessary evil but I need a break.
I’ve been in a women’s bookclub for 10+ years and 4 of us met our husbands on Match.com! I tried it on and off for years and I think it was just luck when my now husband and I connected. He’s a widower who had been happily married for 20+ years. I, on the other hand, had been single for all my 47 years. I think online dating is a great tool to practice dating and I echo the advice to enjoy the process. Please report back Wendy — I definitely want to hear about your experiences.
I have had my profile up on one of the senior dating sites for longer than a year, but I have never paid for a subscription. I get emails once a week with my potential matches. Honestly, there’s only been a handful of men that I would consider meeting up with so that’s why I’ve never paid for a subscription which you must do in order to write back to their emails or call them, etc. At this point, I have 84 emails in my inbox from those interested in me. Some may find that a BooYaaa, good for you girl, but I find it overwhelming. It’s too late to spend time weeding through all those mails and finding the right date to step out with after 6 yrs of no dating (not by choice and my job requires me to travel a lot overseas which has not helped).
But, you see, my biggest problem with online dating is that I am far too picky, pickier than I am when meeting someone face to face in everyday interactions. I don’t want to meet up with a deadbeat. Most of my friends who have found love online and married these men, everyone of them came with baggage – divorces they are having to pay through the teeth for to ex wives and kids who whine that they don’t want another Mommy so that delays or set backs anything permanent.
Then, suddenly about a month ago of not seeing anyone that appealed to me, I saw a really hot guy with movie star looks, wealth, pics of his two nice older boys, a runner, a snow and water skiier, very active and fit man which I am looking for. He also had two nice teenage boys. I have two older boys too so being a father is plus. He had a lot going for him. I thought now there’s the one I should contact, but in the end I didn’t because I myself felt that I wouldn’t be pretty nor good enough for this man, so my own fears and insecurities after not dating for so long took over my mind and I gave up on taking any action. Admittedly, I realize now that I am just very fearful of online dating, it’s just too pre-arranged and still odd still to me after all these yrs. I am to my own amazement, very old-fashioned. I’ll just keep staying active and hope for a chance encounter or through work or an introduction and if it doesn’t happen, sobeit.
But yet,, you know, I am still curious and will keep my profile up cause one never knows who will turn up pictured on that screen that will shout out to me. Good luck everyone.
Hi Wendy
THANKS for sharing the angst! I feel it too. I too have taken a New Year’s resolution to try to Date this year.
A beef of mine is that so many of these singles matchmaking things just feel exploitative at heart. Just a way to make money off of our loneliness and hope. My friend and I nicknamed the one “Eek! Harmony” after it sent me an Elvis impersonator as a potential match.
After reading the article in Washington Post about you (Thanks! for your courage and eloquence and speaking for so many of us) I had a brainstorm– I wish YOU would organize First Person Singular events, so people like us could all just be in the same room for coffee or a concert or something and all meet…. could be fun! Even though I think the women would outnumber the men by like 10:1, the women who comment here sound so fabulous I might not notice the imbalance…
Fascinating idea, Kathy. We need an events producer!
I am 63, so a little older than some of the rest of you. I have many, many interesting stories about on line dating. It has been a great source of fun and angst as well (I could write a book) lol . I have met some great guys, even had a few longer term relationships but I have only been single for 4 and one half years. I guess I could say that I have had above average success in at least meeting members of the opposite sex. The thing about dating online is that you have to develope a thick skin and approach this kind of dating with a bit of skepticism. Sometimes you win but often you lose. It is the best way, though, that I have found to meet and interact with the opposite sex, or the same sex if that is your proclivity. You never really know about anyone until you meet them face to face. I always say nothing happens in life if you don’t step out and take a few risks. BTW, loved the article in WP magazine; a breath of fresh air on this subject.
Here’s the courage:
I’m on Match. I rarely even look at it. When I do is when people have expressed interest. I read the profile, look at the picture, go: naaaaaaaaaaaaahhh.
I actually think I may have gotten dating out of my system.
But I’ll go right back when I want to. That’s what you should do. put it down and wait ’til you are propelled to do it.
Why not just meet people naturally? Work, gym, bar, restaurant, vacation, concert, hobby-related activities, on the street even…
It depends on if you’re in an environment where you’re running into new people. When you’re looking for a job, an apartment and even a date, I say it’s good to diversify your options.