filed in Myths and stereotypes
Let Me Say This Again
Right before Thanksgiving, Ellen McCarthy, a fine journalist from The Washington Post, who had seen my blog, got in touch. Although Ellen usually writes about weddings, she was curious about single women who were living satisfying lives. She flew to L.A. to meet me, we had two pleasurable, extended sessions together, and in parting, I said, “make me look good.” When the article appeared online, my photo was accompanied by the headline, “The Lonely Hearts.” I almost passed out. How could they twist my upbeat story into a wallflower tale? Ellen wasn’t responsible for the headlines or selecting the photo. I appreciate her honest and nuanced reporting, but there’s a cloak of melancholy surrounding the piece, that reflects a wider cultural bias. To be single, is to have gotten the short end of a lonely stick.
Image: Christian Patterson
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31 comments for “Let Me Say This Again”
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FIRST PERSON SINGULAR is a guide to surviving, thriving and sometimes just getting through a single day. Created by Wendy Braitman (more…)
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When I saw the cover photo, all I could think was, “I would love to look that good from the back.” So there’s that.
Thanks for making my day!
Wendy, I read the article last night straight from Washington Post Magazine. I decided I wanted to follow your blog so I searched Washington Post this morning to find the name again. I absolutely hate that Washington Post neglected the entire purpose of the profiles and headlined the online article as “The Lonely Hearts”. They should be ashamed. You, Bella, and James are inspiring to me. Thank you!
I was upset a first. And then I realized, you live by the media, you cringe by the media. Thanks for joining in!
I have to agree with Cathy – you look fabulous in that photo!
Wow. You’re making me smile.
I’ve been following your blog for a while, and it was really interesting to get a bit more in-depth view of your life and thoughts on singleness. Thanks for being so candid. I think your life sounds great.
I especially liked the part where the article mentions how you started the blog to ask “Why?”…I do this a lot and when I’m in a negative frame of mind, I just end up feeling entitled – I’m bright, good looking, interesting, and good-humored…I deserve someone! But then I try to balance it out by remembering that I get to live in a gorgeous beach town, do pretty much whatever I want whenever I want, and I don’t have to watch football EVER. Not a bad deal. My cousin always tells me to live my single life in a way that makes all my married friends jealous, and I can’t deny that’s a devilish thought in the back of my head when I’m the only single at a party full of couples:)
Grace and gratitude. It’s the hardest thing. Some days, I’m better at it than others. But I wonderful role models in my life to remind me.
Hi Wendy. I read the article and thank you so much for your willingness to put personal aspects of your life out there. I would say that most of us singles know very well that singlehood does not necessarily equal lonelyhood. As cliche as it sounds, I know many people who are coupled and are still quite lonely. I’m sorry the Post got the headline wrong. I hope that this article will clear up some misconceptions. Keep loving yourself and I hope all of your dreams come true.
Thanks, Kate. I’m glad to get your support. It makes a difference!
Great blog. You are in inspiration. F*ck the biased editors at the Post.
I appreciate that Natalie. I want to be clear that The Washington Post journalist Ellen McCarthy is wonderful. She’s smart, insightful and deep. I really enjoyed the time we spent together. I can’t say for sure whether the Post editors couldn’t resist the narrative, or didn’t even realize they were playing into it. There are over 1000 comments on the article, so this subject is resonating and here to stay! It’s up to us to make sure we get the message exactly right.
I enjoyed the article; sometimes being single is melancholy. But I thought they did a decent job of pointing out that people who are coupled can feel lonely too. I linked to it on my blog about being over 40 and single: thebitterbabe.wordpress.com
I really liked your article. I’m married and enjoy it. But marriage is NOT the solution too anybody’s problems. Rather, people bring their problems into the marriage. And not all marriages are happy ones. To be happy in this world, you need to make the most of the opportunities you have.
Amen!
Wendy, i don’t know, i didn’t see the melancholy you did in the article. To me you came off as a very together, thoughtful person. A thinking person. Your perspective was so refreshing, there was none of the usual rationalization one way or the other- above all it came off as very honest.
That’s great to know.
Hi Wendy. I found your blog through the WashPo article. I thought it was a great article and very balanced in that we, as single women, are good where we are although it isn’t where we planned to be. It definitely spoke to me and what I feel sometimes. I’m looking forward to following your blog.
Welcome, Penny. Having people who understand the experience, first hand, is a real pleasure. I hope you’ll continue to stay tuned, and share your thoughts with us.
Count me in as one who found your blog through the Washington Post article, which a friend told me about. I know that the media will try to spin a headline to make a story more sensational and attract readers, which is too bad. Regardless of what they were aiming for, I did not once get the impression that you or the other interviewees were living lonely lives. You all seem content with what’s going on in your lives, and I liked reading your stories. I’m in my early 30s and have pretty much been single all my life, and have dealt with the pressure of people who make me feel guilty about it. But I’d rather live my life single than have someone in it who’s wrong for me.
You’ve got a new blog follower, Wendy!
Welcome, Dienna! It amazes me that there is still so much pressure on women to marry. One of the reasons I started to write about this, was after talking to a 28 year old woman, who was being hounded by her parents to get married. And I thought, with all the progress for women, these last few decades, I can’t believe how much has remained the same.
Wendy, I just really appreciate the spirit of what you’re doing here, the space you’re giving people to comment on this subject, the whole single/ coupled thing. I guess though what I wish all of your readers could really know, (know inside, rather than just acknowledge as sounding true,) is this: single isn’t somehow worse or better than married. I’ve been both, married unhappily for 17 years, the single and very happy for 5, now, unexpectedly remarried, happily for four so far. I can’t say that whether I was happy or not had much to do with whether I was married or not, it had to do with how I was looking at life at the time. Single and married aren’t better/ less desirable, they’re just different things.
There’s also a lot of talk about having kids, like you’re not fulfilling some prime mandate if you don’t/can’t. I have 4 kids, whom I love dearly, but they aren’t like little pieces of me, they just came from the universe for me to look after for a while. Anyone can do that just by choosing to.
So, I hope people will follow your lead- make the most of what you are where you are, and be open because no one can predict what’s around the next bend.
When people project their stuff on you, you need to do this or be that, I say f**k ’em. That’s what being a 50 year old doctor who’s seen it all, heard it all, allows me to say.
Yes. I couldn’t agree more. But the cultural narrative, that to be single is to have lost out on life’s most important element, is so powerful. It takes focus and determination not to fall prey to it.
I would imagine that’s very true. It’s like an ism of some kind where a minority population is made to feel inferior by a majority one. Matrimonism? Singlephobia? Wedding Supremicists? I see a pride parade in your future! Mc
I thought I’d chime in. I am another who sought out your blog after the Post (p)article. Always-single, middle-40s, and I do not regret it. The longer a person shifts for him/herself, the easier it is blow past the kind of editorial bias that spun the piece. I saw the triumph in your tale. It’s why I’m here.
Hi Wendy,
I’m so glad I found your blog through the WaPo article. As a 30-something single woman, a lot of the thoughts expressed really resonated with me. You said there was a tone of melancholy throughout the article, and I don’t disagree with you. But to ME, it was more honest..that you weren’t being the “Ra-Ra, Single is Awesome!” cheerleader type, which by going through your blog a bit, you don’t seem to be. Instead you seem to express what its like to be a single woman…happy for the independence, happy to know yourself, and at the same time..sure, can get tired of doing things alone and wldn’t mind some affection and yes…sex..from time to time. You came across to me as a wonderfully intelligent, compassionate, graceful, fun person that I’d love to have dinner with, not a wallflower at all. I expect to be a regular visitor here!
It’s great to get your feedback, Lola. It feels good to be honest about the single experience, not sugar coating it or wallowing in it. I look forward to hearing more of your point of view.
Hi Wendy, I also just found your blog through the WP article. The headline I saw was “What if you never find ‘The One’?”. These words really spoke to me, partly because of the shock of seeing one of my fears written down in black and white and partly because of the relief that this idea was at least being addressed!
In much the same way, the article both comforted me and made me sad, but I was very glad to read about you and to find your blog. I’m heartened to see how you acknowledge both sides of the coin, how single life can be SO much fun and freedom, but that sometimes you just really would like to be with someone who GETS you (for LOTS of reasons; vacations, dates, fitting-in, sex, shoulder-crying etc).
I’m 40 and haven’t had much romance in my life at all, which I miss a great deal. BUT I am also aware that I am blessed with a much wider circle of friends than most people and I make friends very easily because I find that I’m blessed by the fact that people just like me. I’m lucky.
I guess when I get down, I tend to think ‘What a waste’. By that I mean that there really is no other place to PUT romantic/passionate feelings, other than into a romance, so it’s very refreshing that the article and this blog does acknowledge this fact. Thank you and I will follow with interest.
Barbara, It’s great to hear from you. It sounds like you’re working well with the tension of the ups and downs of single life. If having romance is really important to you, I’d urge you to keep looking for it, while at the same time, build and enjoy your life today. I hope you’ll continue to share your experiences here.
I read this article today. (Why I’m here.) Actually, I haven’t finished yet. The guy sounds from the snippet caption I read that he may be part of the reason for the article’s tone.
But Bella DePaulo’s story shattered every single stereotype. There may be few indeed who fit into that category.
I may be one of them. And that, to me, feels like lucky.
I was in a long-term relationship in my early 30s and was miserable. I got a marriage proposal but the guy was not right for me, so I broke things off.
I’m in my early 40s now and have never married.
I don’t enjoy being single (I’d rather be married and always thought I would be), but I think it’s better to stay single than marry out of desperation and be in a loveless marriage.
There are additional pressures or prejudices older, never- married Christian women (and men) have to face and endure.
One of the obstacles we face is that most Christian denominations tend to pretty much ignore singles and never-marrieds, or some act like we have something “wrong” with us that needs to be fixed.
It’s like we’re the modern day equivalents to the lepers mentioned in the Bible.
Some factions within Christianity actually blame us for our singleness, which adds more salt to the wound, and, they do it even though most of us did not choose to be single (some of these critics believe in something called “marriage mandate.”)
Some also act as though there is a magical formula that if you just follow, you are guaranteed a spouse (I see this attitude on secular sites too, though, not just from Christians).
In other words, if you are a female and just grow your hair long, stop being opinionated, (or stop doing “X,” whatever X may be), you WILL get a spouse.