filed in Daily Life
What’s Your Biggest Fear About Being Single?
I could give a hundred examples that have crossed my mind through the years, from the trivial to the profound. At the time, each one has felt utterly consequential. Whether it’s New Year’s Eve without a date, or standing alone at my mother’s grave, the first step is to name it. What are yours?
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24 comments for “What’s Your Biggest Fear About Being Single?”
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Just being utterly alone, whether that’s now on weekends when all my coupled up friends are doing their own thing, to long stretches in the future when I have no one to go on holiday with, no one to share the good and the bad with and risk going days without speaking to anyone. All very morbid and I aim to keep busy and keep surrounding myself with good friends in the hopes that this doesn’t happen!
I know what you mean. Building a diversified network of support is so important. And I’m very big on pets.
The only thing I miss about not being in a relationship is not having someone to hug, kiss, and cuddle, but other than that I’m so used to my own company at this point that being single doesn’t faze me as much anymore.
I wonder… but then I think of my family and friends. I am young, so my immediate family is still in tact and I have at least one friend I may count on. I agree about pets though. Humans can be fickle and we inherently doubt that their free will may decide against us but animals always provide us with love and companionship.
I’m comfortable with my single status, but if I’m having a bad day and looking for something to worry about, I would say I worry about going broke. I am the only one who pays my bills – there is no partner, no inheritance, no plan b. So I am careful with my money and make the best financial decisions I can – enjoy the present certainly, but keep one eye on the horizon.
Once a week, from Friday night to Saturday night, I shut down my computer. I also use the time as a worry-free zone. Whenever I feel the worry beast rearing its ugly head, I say, no thank you. Not today. It’s surprisingly effective.
Really the only thing I worry about as a singleton is the invitation to those events to which I can’t say no — weddings, bar/bat mitzvahs, etc. — where the inviters don’t have the class to (or, okay, the money to) invite me with a +1. I know I’m going to be seated somewhere in Outer Mongolia with the exiled relatives who at least know a few other people at the event and eventually ditch me. I definitely make sure to order up my uninvited date’s worth of liquor and then some at their open bar in those cases. Am I passive agressive or what?
At my cousin’s wedding, after the couple had their first dance, it was only me and the elderly left sitting in their chairs. The next wedding invitation that came in the mail, I politely declined. I’m all for +1, as the civilized solution.
I worry about getting sick and having no one to take care of me. It sounds cliche but I fear dying alone. After twenty years of marriage, to be suddenly tossed aside into a cold indifferent world, it is quite an adjustment to realize you only have yourself to depend on. Some say that is freeing and I suppose one day I will feel that way too. But as that old Johnny Cash song goes, “I still miss someone.”
I have met many women who cope with loneliness by acquiring dog(s) or cat(s) and wind up sleeping with them, eating with them, talking with them, talking endlessly and monotonously ABOUT them to the point they become ineligible to couple; i.e., no man can wedge into this family unit nor does she really want one. The animals are easier and, as one woman put it, more loyal. Men probably do this too, but I don’t date them. Older women do the same thing with grandchildren, except for the sleeping part.
The posters before me addressed many of the fears that I have about being single (having no one to take care of me, being the single point of failure when it comes to bills, etc.). I am used to being single, but I would like to have someone to share my life. I’m not totally alone in this world; I have great girlfriends who enjoy my company. Yes, the majority of them are married, but they are cool with my singleton status. We share our perspectives in life and support each other through life’s travails.
I guess I would not be “complete” as a singleton without my two little kitties who are my animal companions and remind me that a nap in the middle of the afternoon is not such a bad thing.
I would like to learn from my dog’s ability to enjoy an afternoon nap.
I fear that I may go through this entire life without ever making a ripple on anyone or anything, as if I was never here. Sure, my parents have been important to me, and I to them, but, having never been married and never having had any children, it sometimes feels like my existence has never made an impact, positive or negative, on anybody – I’m a shadow that occassionally passes through other people’s consciousnesses before they go on to fully live out their lives with others. I guess you could call it the morbid end of the loneliness spectrum.
Just by engaging here, you’ve already impacted me. Seriously. I want to know more.
I agree with Stacey above, I feel the same way. I also run a future scenario through my head of being the old, single Jewish lady living in a retirement community hoarding the family silver with no one to leave it to. Love the blog, so glad I found it, thank you for writing!
I’m so glad you found your way here, Kathryn. I know exactly what you’re talking about. When my mind starts going doing that road, I try to remind myself to stay in the moment. And right now, right this minute, when I really think about it, everything is okay. Did you see this post, Who gets our stuff? http://bit.ly/yiE9qy
Thanks for the link Wendy! I have a will (thanks to my job risks), but it hasn’t identified special items- good to think about for the next update!
Charting it out was a deepening experience. I recommend it.
I agree with Stacey above, feeling like my existence hasn’t had an affect on anyone. I’m terrified of going broke. Most of my friends are married, and have been for so long that I wonder if they know what it’s like to live on one average income in today’s climate – they’re off enjoying annual vacations and 2nd properties. Yes, part of me is jealous, but that’s my life right now and I don’t think I’d want to trade my freedom.
I know exactly what you mean, watching couples vacation and have 2nd homes. I get a whole narrative going about their lives versus mine. When I’m feeling anxious and envious of someone else’s life, I remember what one of my best friends, who is a great therapist, tells me – he says, you’re comparing your inside to somebody else’s outside. I find that it helps.
Yes, I worry about not having enough money, and knowing that life is easier financially when you’re in a two-income home. Other than that, I’m good!
“Other than that” covers a lot. That’s great!
Dying alone, choking on my own sputum. No one finding my body for days.
I’ve just witnessed how my family took care of an 84-year-old maiden aunt – someone stepped up and dealt with the details of her final year and death. So this fear has abated.
I agree with Dienna – I miss having anyone to hug which is why I make the rounds of my sisters and their kids on a regular basis.
I’ve found my way around the traveling-solo awkwardness but I still don’t have the guts to go to the riskier places alone.
Love the website!
Thanks, Cailin! I couldn’t get through the day without hugging my dog, Rose. I had a massage last week, and that really helped.