filed in Sex and Dating
Report from the Dating Front: Can You Hear Me?
I recently had a meet and greet with a man who didn’t ask me a single question. Maybe he was nervous. But I was too. By the end of our 75 minutes together, I’d learned where he was born, grew up, went to college, what foods he likes, the car he drives, what his father did for a living and where his daughter lives. I got a sense of his taste, the books he reads and the last movie he saw. If asked, I don’t believe this man could answer a single, substantive thing about me, except maybe what I looked like, and even that I’m not sure. On a human level, wasn’t he the least bit curious? I haven’t been on a date in awhile. But this felt so familiar. And it made me want to scream.
Image via Stuff & Son
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That happened to me. He took me to dinner (NEVER do that on a first date). I drank more than usual and pondered whether I would get in his face about his arrogant behavior. I didn’t. When we parted he asked if he could call me. I looked at him and just said, “No thanks”. I was furious at both of us.I will never submit to that nonsense again. Lesson learned.
Wendy, what are you doing meeting up with my guitar teacher????? (The one I’ve had a crush on for a year and a half even though I don’t think he could tell you what I do for a living….)
If it’s any comfort (probably not) it took only 24 hours on OKCupid to find the first crazy; “pansexual and polyamorous.” Of course, the most literate profile and most attractive photo.
But despite the latter two, eeeeeew on the first two.
Oh, those Okcupid boys– so proudly polyamorous, so plainly pretentious, so pretty, so phit, so full of it.
The last man I met through POF told me that he’d been engaged once, but had never been married. He started texting me in July (most of his texts are “Hi, how’re you doing?” and very little beyond that). He finally got up enough nerve to ask me out in September, and I said yes, just because I felt like he owed me dinner for wasting so much time. He was 10 minutes late. During the date, he asked very few questions, and offered very little information. Luckily, I was able to chit chat enough to keep it from getting too uncomfortable. He’s not asked me out since, but has continued to have the same texting conversation with me. He seems harmless, and I’ve pretty much concluded that he’s really, really shy. He texted me again today, hinting that he might ask me out on a second date sometime in the next month or two. I’m still trying to figure out how many dinners he owes me for wasting so much time, and how good those dinners need to be for making me do most of the talking, lol. (Yes, I’m being bitchy – I’ll own up to that.) I’ve been wondering how he ever managed to have enough of a relationship with a woman to get to the point of getting engaged, because he certainly doesn’t know how to start a relationship now.
Mine was 15 minutes late. No text to alert me. If this is when he’s trying to make a good impression, I can only imagine the future. Grrrrr…..
@Noelle – Those OKCupid guys are scary! I think they’re all entertaining illusions of starring in some crazy porno movies.
@ mary c: LOL!
Yes, it was not a promising start. This was the FIRST DAY. I have no problem with gay or straight, whatever, but to me that just says “I’m giving myself a fancy label to justify having sex with anything that moves but is not covered in fur.”
I repeat: eeeeeeeew.
I actually took the time to write back and tell him that was a dealbreaker, and then blocked him. I was so not interested in his icky justifications.
OMG, much to familiar. Doesn’t make it any easier. Thankfully, only a meet and greet and not a meal. Keep your strength up and the martinis near by. Sending support.
It was so maddening. Thank g-d for martinis and for those who can commiserate. xx
Oh Wendy…you just identified one of my BIGGEST pet peeves. Not only in the dating scene, but in meeting new people in general. I’m an introvert, but I’m not shy (imagine that combo), so I’m not afraid of conversation. HOWEVER, I won’t just sit and ramble on about myself. If asked questions, I’ll talk your ear off.
Not to toot my own horn, but I’m an excellent conversationalist. I ask tons of questions and generally (even if I’m faking it) act interested. It’s really not that hard…if you aren’t a moron!
I think the probably isn’t so much with dating, but we’ve lost the art of conversation. Is it too many distractions? Are we used to texting, tweeting, emailing to the point that we can’t even talk to someone face to face?
I recently went to dinner with a group of people. Some I knew, some I didn’t. It wasn’t until dessert came to the table that one single person asked me a question. And the person who asked me the question is someone I already knew. It’s infuriating.
I think I missed my calling…I should be a teacher in elementary schools teaching children manners, the art of conversation and how to be in a relationship. I could change the world!
I think this guy’s got an oversized ego. That would be my guess. And who knows, it probably masks some huge insecurity. Frustrating.
Wow, I just had the same situation. At least mine was only a phone call. He immediately launched into talking about himself nonstop … and by the way he made this call at 830 on Saturday morning; I am an early riser, but he wouldn’t know that, even after our conversation as there was ZERO interest expressed in me. A subsequent call later in the day showed him backpedaling entirely. I concluded he had done a bit more ‘shopping around’ and found a potentially better option. What reality do these guys inhabit?? Oh, I forgot: the world of online dating, which is just another shopping site as far as they are concerned.
Early New Year’s resolution: NO MORE ONLINE DATING SITES. EVER!
Every time I swear off dating sites, I find my way back, because they’re a vehicle to meet new people, even if incredibly flawed.
Ditto, ditto, ditto.
I am trying to learn to sit back and just see if they will come up with anything to demostrate interest. The silence is deafening.
Do you think this is particularly a gender thing? Men on this thread, please speak up?
Here’s the story. It happened in England in the early 19th century. It’s from the diary of “Lady Ruth”, a distinguished women from Wales. She grew up in a privileged life, educated at Oxford, well respected, and an active part of “the social scene” at that time. To say she was thought-provoking, unconventional and out-spoken for the time would be a misportrayal. There was something distinct about her personality…. an innate naive adroitness. Strikingly beautiful in an unusual way, she was tiny like a wren with alabaster skin. Her free-flowing coiffure was lustrously black, and full like a chestnut-bur. And those large dark eyes, like the Sherry in the bottom of a glass, that the guest leaves behind.
Never one hurried to marry, she was heard to once say, “I’m of the catch and release program. I fall in love once in a Blue Moon. I can count my Blue Moons on one hand.”
She came to London for a visit, and had two dates (social outings at the time)…….. evenings out with two of the most eligible bachelors in the city, back to back.
The first night, she had a date and dinner with Lord Windermere, an highly educated and distinguished man of Royal Title and very “high” on the Society list. The next night she had a dinner and social outing with, of all people, Charles Darwin, a renowned scientist and the father of the theory of modern evolution. This man had travelled the world and wrote many books…….. he was brilliant……he changed the world, and how we see ourselves existing in it today.
When she was asked by reporters how her two dates went………. she described them as following:
“I had a lovely evening with Lord Windermere, I was so impressed by his breadth of knowledge. He was a brilliant conversationalist, most polite and very well mannered. We had a wonderful time and by the end of the evening, I was convinced, that he was the smartest man I’d ever met.”
…….. and as for your date with the renowned scientist and world traveller Charles Darwin the following night, “they asked”?
She replied, “So enjoyable too, we talked for hours. The time flew. Such a gentleman, so polite and well mannered, except for when I left him, it was afterwards that I realized, he had made me feel like I was the smartest women he had ever met.
I wonder which gentleman got a second date? 🙂
***Merry Christmas & Happy Hanukkah Wendy!
Thanks Paul for taking time to share the sweet story and holiday greetings.
I decided to just approach the whole thing as comic relief in the middle of a dull workday.
The next guy asked, “So, how often do you come to Albuquerque?” Pretty much every day, since I LIVE here. It says so right at the top.
Comic relief, really.
Maybe it’s a question of focus on their parts, and not about lack of interest. But if that’s the case, it still wouldn’t bode well for life down the road.
A charitable view, which might sometimes have merit, might be, ‘if you’re talking/asking, you’re not listening.’
Think about different therapists you have had or heard about. Asks lots of questions, for better or worse, or at the other “extreme” the silent psychoanalytic type. (Anybody remember the split-screen therapy scene in “Annie Hall”?)
I have not tried online dating. But it must be hard to meet someone anonymous one-on-one across a table for the first time. Absent an immediate spark, does that give anybody a fair chance? Doing something for a first meeting at least gives a common experience to talk about, right? Or does online require more distance for a first meeting? I’m thinking of trying it.
The type of date you described is the main reason I gave up on dating. It boggles the mind that a person, upon meeting someone new, would rattle on and on about themselves without asking a question or two about the other person. What can they be thinking?
Loved the story by Paul Brainerd. So true!
I don’t think it’s just dating, anymore, that is how so many people are, so self-absorbed.
I got caught on chat one day back when I was on Facebook, from a college friend I hadn’t talked to in five or six years.
She did exactly the same thing; went on about her kids for 20 minutes and then logged off with “my son is ready for lunch.” Not a single question about all the stuff that was new about me since we talked six years earlier. I have been disinclined to contact her since.
How hard is it, really, to ask?
I used to think it was just men: “How lucky are, you poor woman, to have me to listen to!”
But it seems to be everywhere.
After a fairly serious operation this summer, sandwiched in between the unexpected and sudden death of first my father, then my mother, I couldn’t talk for 5 measly seconds without my female friends bursting in to natter on about their lives. Not one follow up question about how I might be coping, after blithering on for what seemed like hours. And these are my friends.
Civilized conversation is truly a lost art. I always thought talking about oneself for more than a minute or two was impolite.
@ Noelle–well, you really hit a nerve. I don’t understand what makes many a man say they are interested in open relationships and polyamory and also declare themselves “religious”? I really think they should sign up with the Mormons and put their money where their mouth is.
@Heather, Noelle, Ann: You are right about the lost art of conversation. Also, I think we females are socialized to listen first and talk only when questioned. Fine for a journalist; lousy for relationships.
Yuck!! I can’t believe he didn’t even ask questions about you Wendy. I can’t stand being talked at the whole time. I too am an introvert and a good listener but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to engage in conversation. What a narcissist!
He engaged in conversation, that is, as long as he was doing the talking
A male friend told me of being invited to a mixer of sorts as the home of a woman he casually dated a few times. The woman’s friends each also brought men they dated to this mixer with the hopes that a spark might occur. Friend said all the men were in their 30s as were the women and he was the only one in his early 40s. He said he chatted up many women and had a fine time but he noticed not a single one of the men were talking to the women. All of them were holding up the wall — and get this — giggling with each other. Eventually all the women crowded around my friend since he was the only one engaging them.
He said while shyness or lack of social skills with women when one is in their 20s might be understandable, he was stunned that a man in his early 30s could not have a conversation with a woman also in her 30s.
Several weeks later the woman who invited him to the mixer said she was throwing another one — and wanted to know did he have any male friends he could invite.
Oh my goodness, how well do I know this scenario?! I used to think it was my own dumb luck, being kind, trying to engage my date, but apparently I’m in fine company! I’ve gotten to the point where I engage less if the balance is off, speak up more (ie., don’t be as much a passive listener) and if that doesn’t work – call attention to the monologue. I will actually say out loud “I feel like I know a lot about you, your work, your interests, your ex-wife, your dog. What would you say you know about me at this point?” It usually brings the date to a crashing halt but these men need a wake-up call. I no longer endure more than 40 minutes of discomfort if the date is headed in this direction – previously have been known to endure hours hoping for a turn around that never comes.