filed in Daily Life
Is Being Single Easier?
A few days ago, HuffPost Live invited me to participate in one of their webcasts, which was described in part with the following sentence: Being single is normally viewed as being much easier than a long-term relationship or having a wife and kids but when it comes to tax breaks and healthcare the couples have it easier.
I was eager to take part in a spirited debate. As it turns out, HuffPost decided against doing the segment. But I appreciate their raising the point. The first part of the description includes such a fundamental question, which I’m surprised I’d never thought to ask. And now, I’m curious to get your feedback. Is being single normally viewed as easier? Please, tell me.
Artwork by Margaret Kilgallen at Letterheady
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I think that, as with everything, singleness is the grass that’s greener on the other side of the fence – every time I’ve heard someone say that it was easier to be single, the person saying it was someone who was married. Of course, the reverse it true, too. Personally, I think that whether or not it’s true really depends on what you’re trying to do. Raise children? Then I’d be willing to bet money that it’s easier to be married. Housework? Then it’s easier to be single.
Being a tax preparer, though, I think I can say a thing or two about the hypothesis put forth by the the Huffington Post and singleness and taxes – by far, I see that most of the people who are able to take advantage of tax breaks are married, and sometimes the dollar amounts of the breaks are higher if you’re married. But also by far, the people who have phased out of tax breaks (i.e., made too much money to qualify for the ones they thought they were entitled to take) have also been married people – I’ve had very, very few single clients make too much money to qualify for a tax break that they were expecting. Not to get political, but the tax system is a double-edged sword.
Thanks, Stacey for filling in the details from your personal and professional perspective.
Hi Wendy -sorry they did not go ahead with the idea. That would have been more interesting than most of the fluff out there about how to find someone.
Is it really easier to be single? Most of the time, I think it is – no one to answer to but myself for the decisions I make personally and financially. A relationship really is hard work, just like raising kids – but many people seem to find both incredibly rewarding. If I decide to party like a rock star and stay out all night, I don’t have to check in with anyone. On the other hand, who would come looking for me if something bad happened while I was out – or passed out in my home alone? Sure, my friends would eventually find me or come looking for me, but it would probably be too late (morbid, I know). I think as we get older, it seems easier because we get past the social hang-ups of being single while everyone around us is getting married, having babies, and doing things that seem to isolate us for not being coupled up. Now my friends are on the second and third marriages, the kids are grown, and the whole couple thing does not seem to matter as much. The tax break thing is annoying, but like everything else, I’ve just gotten used to it. When I see what my friends have been through with their divorces, I’m grateful for never having gone through it all.
Cheers!
Very gracious attitude, winegoddess. I’m going to bug the HuffPost about going forward with the segment and share all of your responses with them. I’m hoping they’ll get inspired.
I do think that being single is generally viewed as being easier – but it’s usually due to the myth that goes with that belief, that singles have no responsibilities and no expectations on their time or need to compromise. Most marrieds view singles as living very self-centered, narcissistic lives. We know from many studies done on the subject that that is simply not true. So the belief that singles “have it easier” is based on a fallacy. And financially, not JUST with taxes but also with health care, travel, etc., marrieds have it easier or at least have the option of having it easier. Singles aren’t even given access to those options. At the end of the day, though, I think the one who has it easiest is the one who is living the life they’ve wanted and chosen. Single or married, if you are in that position because you caved to societal/family pressure or because you haven’t found the right situation, you have it hard.
I’m so impressed and inspired by your equanimity, Li.
“At the end of the day, though, I think the one who has it easiest is the one who is living the life they’ve wanted and chosen.” No truer words have been spoken!! Thank you for that perspective!
I think the perception is that the single life is easier. My friends reflect that back to me time and again, now that they are entering into a second decade of marriage, some of whom are facing serious issues that didn’t exist, or were not serious, in the early days. But they don’t know, because I rarely complain about, all the things I do for myself, by myself: budgeting and financial planning, handling the household, dealing with flat tires, etc. Doing everything for yourself, by yourself, is hard.I recently spent the weekend at my best friend’s vacation home and went for a ride on the back of the jet ski. My friend’s husband asked me if I wanted him to teach me how to drive it. I declined, and I explained that, because I am single and live alone, I am always in control of everything, and I have taught myself how to do everything. I had no desire to learn how to drive the jet ski for myself, because sometimes I want to climb on the back, have someone else be in charge, and enjoy the view.
Thanks for the story about the jet ski, Krisb. I can relate, as I’m sure others can too.
Sure, I don’t have to compromise on some things, but there are numerous other times that having a partner would be easier, and not just financially.
For example, assuming we’re on pretty equal footing (I don’t know I’d have it any other way), when I had some work done on my house last year, we could have split the days off so that neither of us burned much PTO over some nice bathroom upgrades. Ditto for anything emergency. Water heater goes kaput, one deals with getting the repairman in, next time something breaks, the other does it.
And, yes, the financial stuff. While it would actually, most likely, be cheaper for each of us to keep our own insurance (my insurance would be 2.5x the individual rate for 2, rather than 2x or less), and at my income taxes and some other finance stuff is a toss up, I’m about to head out on a trip and splitting hotel costs would be way cheaper. You don’t need twice as much house for two people as one, so savings there again (just rough numbers, a 2 bedroom apartment is generally only 50% more than a one-bed, and if it is just 2, a one-bed split can often work). You don’t need exactly twice as much electricity (I can cook for 2 in the same time as one; we both benefit from the same heat, A/C, and at least mostly light and entertainment; with a nice washer, you can stuff enough in there that you’ll only run 33-50% more loads for 2 than one; etc.).
You’re right, JoDa. It’s definitely more expensive living alone. But a lot less complicated.
I have been single since 2006. I find that I honor my desires and am a better self in my singledom. I live an adventurous full life with my 2 sons, fab friends, rewarding career, travel, and not to mention…fabulous lovers.
Recently I was challenged (blown off my chair) by a good friend, stating that I am missing out on intimacy that a long term relationship offers.
To my surprise, Her comment triggered a kajillian questions, uncertainty, and fear. Questioning muself. Am I missing “true intimacy”? Am I willing to or have the energy to negotiate & explain my lifestyle choices to a partner? Am I selfish? Will I grow bored & lonely with regrets? Or, can’t my life be vibrant & full of bliss.
Ugh!
Not every couple gets to have that “true intimacy”. Some of them are just bored together and lack the wherewithal to do anything about it. Some of them fight with each other and tolerate each other because they’re afraid to strike out on their own. Your friend’s comment makes the assumption that most long-term couples are happy in their couplehood, but the truth is, many of them aren’t. Sacrificing your singlehood to be with someone doesn’t guarantee that you’ll ever get that “true intimacy”. Sometimes it gets you a lifetime with the wrong person, and that’s far worse than being alone.
Exactly. And by the way, I have deep and intimate relationships with my friends, and of course, my dog.
Oh, I hate when those kinds of questions make us not trust our gut, Krystin. Intimacy can come in so many ways.
Krystin, The description of your single life sounds just heavenly…especially the “fabulous lovers.”
I agree, Dee. Very full and satisfying.
Stacey, well put & thank you for responding! Since my post, I found I spent quite a bit of time thinking about her comment and exploring my emotional response/self-doubt.
Interesting process. Appreciate having other confident, sound & proud singledoms to reach out to!
I am sticking with my vibrant single hood!
Stay true to yourself (and open).
Anytime, Krystin! 🙂
Being in my late 40s and having never been married, I’ve gone through that emotional rollercoaster, too, and the ones that are set off by the comment of someone who’s married are often the worst.
Many years ago, someone told me that being single can sometimes be one of the greatest gifts that God can give – single people tend to be stronger than married people, and we know ourselves better. Our singleness makes us resourceful. Our actions come from a place of authenticity instead of from what a spouse or society expects of us. We can blaze our own trails, and we make our own rules. The woman who told me this was (at the time) in her late 50s and had been 10 years divorced after being 27 years married. She told me many times to not believe the fairy tale, because in the real world, there are no fairies, and don’t blindly accept the facade of a happily married couple, because people don’t want you to see what could possibly be the worst parts of their lives.
I thought of her words a lot when my sister went through her divorce more than 10 years ago – I remember being shocked, because I’d been under the impression for almost two decades that my sister was happily married. Turned out, the marriage wasn’t happy at all, and she had felt ashamed at what she thought of as a personal failure, which is why she never told anyone how unhappy she was. Watching her try to navigate singleness for the first time in her life when she was in her 40s was hard (she’d gotten married right after graduating). She had no idea how to even be single in a world that seems to be built for married people. Once she figured out that she could throw off the expectations that she thought everyone else had for her, she found her way into a life where she discovered that she could be truly happy.
Like others around the world this week, I’ve been fascinated by the royal couple, who all the commentators say are so happy and in love. How can anyone really know that?
I am Feeling the “virtual intimacy” right here in this blog spot!
To thine own self be true. Going against the grain!
Xo
Here’s to community, even if virtual.