filed in Sex and Dating
Gut Instinct
Last year, I went on a meet and greet date with someone who knew someone I knew. He came to me fairly vetted. The man seemed very kind. He had an interesting job in media and asked me out for a second date right away. I didn’t feel a love match, but nice guys don’t come into my life that often, so I decided to give it another try. In between our dates, I agonized over him with a familiar round of questions. Why wasn’t I more eager? Why am I so picky? What’s the matter with me? We did not have a third date. A year went by, and I thought of him occasionally, and wondered if I’d made a mistake. And then it so happened that we were in touch again and I was grateful for another chance. We met for lunch and I felt that same lack of connection all over again.
Art by Tracey Emin
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Chemistry is so tricky–tricks you into liking people you shouldn’t and into thinking you’re too picky.
There is nothing the matter with you.
It seems to me that there’s really no way around chemistry. During drought times, I try to expand beyond it, but it doesn’t work.
This happens to me all the time. And then there are those that I’ve met randomly, at a bar or at a party…not vetted at all, and I’m “heart” over heels even when my head tells me its all wrong. *SIGH*.
Yes. I’ve been exactly there Lola on a number of occasions.
“If you are no closer to having something you’ve been chasing for twenty years, your data is broken. Either you can’t get it, period; you already have it; you don’t really need or want it; or it’s not real.” – Augusten Burroughs
I actually don’t agree with this Jane. And as just one timely example, look at Nelson Mandela’s long struggle for a free South Africa.
This is a timely post. I just tried to reconnect with someone from the past and got the brush off (after I brused him off several years ago). I’ve been feeling regretful, so decided to try and re-open that door. Reading your post makes me think that I may have regretted it had it re-opened. Some things are better left done!
Probably in situations, it doesn’t really work to recycle
Your gut doesn’t lie. He could have the best “resume” you could ever ask for, but if you’re not feelin’ it, you’re not feelin’ it. In the end, we don’t spend time with our checklists – we spend time with people, and just aren’t going to click with all the ones we think we should click with.
I know. I just wanted to keep an open mind, since he was a good guy (with a job).
I have a male friend I feel that way about. We get along so well and have a similar value system and moral beliefs. There had been a time years ago when I think he was hoping I would come around and consider dating him but I just wasn’t feeling it. The kicker is I get weirdly jealous when he talks about women he’s gone out with yet every time we get together and I ask myself if I could date him, I come back to no.
I had a platonic friend for years, and one day we thought, maybe we should have sex. We tried and ended up laughing in the middle of it, because we had zero chemistry.
My own personal history is littered with stories like this. I have tried at various times to convince myself to like someone great but with whom I have no chemistry but at the end of the day it doesn’t seem fair. To him either, come to think of it.
I’m fairly confident that chemistry is a two-way street. And when I’m not feeling it, they’re probably not either.
This is interesting, Wendy. I think I may agree with you on this. At the very least it is a plausible hypothesis. There were two women in my life for whom I felt *intense* chemistry – like way over the top compared to anybody else. And the feeling was reciprocated by both of them. I suppose that one of the reasons the chemistry was so intense in these instances was precisely because it was a two-way street from the beginning. People can sense when they are desired and each person’s desire inflames that of the other. Gasoline meet match! By comparison, there is a woman with whom I have been in a professional relationship for many years. Within the context of our professional relationship we have a warm friendship,talk easily, share a similar sense of humor and the absurd, and make each other laugh. Over the years I have asked her out for a real date numerous times, but she always has some excuse to decline, and I have finally concluded that she is just not interested. It may be that she does not want to complicate or jeopardize our business relationship or it may be that while she enjoys our friendship I just don’t curl her toes. I have reflected on this at times and wondered – despite my attraction to her, maybe there is not “real” chemistry between us. Do we sometimes think we are attracted to somebody when we really are not? Maybe her polite avoidance of going down that path with me is a blessing in disguise. Maybe we would get naked together only to discover that it totally was not working for either of us! I lean towards trusting the natural flow of things in such cases. Sometimes it is just not meant to be and trying to force it just ends up being weird and awkward. And can mess up other good things.
My psychotherapist friend likes to remind me that chemistry is not personal. It’s all about wiring.
I have never in my life went on a second date with someone I didn’t have chemistry with. Ever! I am very glad for this because I didn’t waste my time on guys that were not right for me. I have seen this happen to a lot of my girlfriends, who would often try again and again to look for attraction and create it, but it never works out this way. Some of my friends “wasted” (in their own words) years dating the “nice guy” even though there was never any spark. These things happen because there is such a huge emphasis on relationships in our society. People are often conditioned to value a state of being in a relationship higher than a state of being in love.
I’ve gone on 2nd dates when there’s no chemistry, just in case I missed something. But I can’t remember a time when my first instincts weren’t right.