filed in Myths and stereotypes
Peak Experiences
Over the weekend I was in a perfectly fine mood, until hearing an NPR interview with Jennifer Senior who has just written a book about having kids, All Joy and No Fun. Senior also writes for New York Magazine, one of my favorite periodicals, and she’s smart, funny and charming. Even so, I was fuming. The conversation went off the rails for me when Senior started talking about parenting as an “unrivaled” joy. I started thinking about my moments of unrivaled joy which include eating paella home-cooked on a Tuscan grill under the stars in Sonoma, listening to Yo-Yo Ma perform live from the 6th row-orchestra, laughing uncontrollably over nothing really with my dear friend, William, and every once in a while, even prayer. What comes to mind for you?
Cartoon in The New Yorker by Michael Crawford
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Listening to live music under the stars at our local folk festival. Washing down tapas with a dry tempranillo while out for dinner with friends. Playing a new CD over and over again on a road trip. Walking to the convent in the Cinque Terre in the rain.
So, so many things…
When one is able to be in the moment, there are so many things.
Spontaneous road trips…leaving the house without it taking an hour and packing the kitchen sink! Freedom!
I greatly admire your being able to go lean. I don’t exactly pack the kitchen sink, but when traveling, I like my stuff.
I frequently hear that I’ll never know joy (or love), or remember what wonder feels like, until I have a child.
Wonder? I have *no* trouble feeling a profound sense of wonder in many everyday things. It takes only a bit of imagination and curiosity.
Love? Parent-child love is only one manifestation of love. I have the love of a few close friends, and the love I feel for pets.
Joy? Delightful music, learning something new, sharing a laugh, being in nature…the list is endless.
But perhaps all my experiences are “selfish” or should be discounted because they aren’t centered around a child. No thanks.
I often quote the theologian, Abraham Joshua Heschel, who talks having radical amazement for the everyday miracles. And if you’re open to that, you’ll find them everywhere.
“Unrivaled” joy (the big ones)–crossing the finish line after running my very first half-marathon. Or turning the key of the front door of the house I purchased by myself–no husband, no significant other. Or walking across the stage to accept my Ph.D.
“Unrivaled” joy (the unexpected delightful ones)–looking out my bedroom window at the twilight silhouettes of bare trees against a backdrop of the most gorgeous sky, a muted blue transitioning the soft pink. Or reliving a successful dinner party as I do the cleanup before I go to bed–one where the food was sensational, the company enriching, and the conversation scintillating. Or sitting on my deck on a summer afternoon, slicing and hulling local organic strawberries that I plan to turn into jam later. Or connecting with a long-lost friend. Or discovering the black swallowtail caterpillars on the dill plant cocooning themselves. Or getting a perfect photo of said caterpillar (before the cocooning). Or receiving a thank-you note from one of my students.
Why did I put “unrivaled” in quotes? Because our joys aren’t unrivaled–they don’t win some sort of Joy Contest (and parents certainly can’t claim a monopoly on ultimate joy). Interestingly, a friend of mine (mother of two) told me that she believed that the childfree were probably happier than those who were parents.
Petra, I totally agree “unrivaled” is irrelevant. Reducing joy to a competition misses the point. Joy is personal. If parenting is your joy, that’s wonderful as is solitude if that’s your preference. I find different joys at different stages of life and wouldn’t want to choose one over another. I’m thankful for the diversity and love being surprised by discovering a new joy.
It actually made the writer sound a little defensive, in that perhaps she was trying to prove it to herself.
That was exactly my problem with what Ms. Senior was saying. Why even make it a competition? Joy is in the eye of the beholder.
Unrivaled joy? Shoe shopping and then brunch with a good friend. My ribs still hurt from laughing! A close second: a first date that went off well. The dinner is good, the conversation is flowing and when you leave, he takes your arm through his and you go for a walk instead of a walk to your car.
Joy.
I can totally picture that great first date from your description. Even though it almost escapes any recent memory.
I, too, fumed over that one. Do parents have some sort of joy monopoly the rest of us are unable to comprehend or experience? Will parents tell their daughters and sons that they will be unable to experience “unrivaled” joy should they not have children? My personal joys are those times I’ve ripped through bottomless powder in the old growth forest of the Cascades, playing my fiddle (wow! I’m really reading music and playing!), and the very close bond I had with my little terrier.
Your pleasures sound divine. Joy is joy and I say, why rank it.