filed in Excursions
Couch Arbitration
Update: Prickly situation –
Thanks for your concern and suggestions. As it turns out, the solution was simple. We each took a turn on the sofa (not even a pullout by the way). I opted for the first night, so that I’d have something to look forward to. (Good choice.) Should there be a next time with this occupancy dilemma (doubtful), the other guest and I both agreed we’d insist on an air mattress.
Same Same by Ben Skinner
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I felt for you when I read your post and I felt for you when I read the update. I have been there. I have gone with the hope, belief and expectation that who I am to them, or the effort I’m making will result in being appreciated accordingly, but it never happens quite that way. I finally got fed up.
I began to keenly observe my married girlfriends–often while standing mouth agape or holding back tears–and how they handle just about every social or family situation. Perhaps it’s a function of a union and roles taken on in marriage, but the key difference, I found, is my married girlfriends are, well, bitches. They are wonderful and fun, kind and loving, but they are bitches. (And I mean that in the most positive way!) Something happens to them when they have the power of their “team” or coupledom. Their needs or those of the couple or family come before anything. This is implied in every interaction. It is their unspoken stance; it is strong. It never occurs to them they would even be considered sofa material. And you know what? They aren’t. The hostess wouldn’t consider it either, not because the person is married, but because her team mentality doesn’t allow for anyone to bench her, or her husband.
Quite frankly, it’s too much trouble and potential for disaster: No bedroom for us? “So sorry, we can’t come.” Sleep on a sofa? No, that just won’t do. Then, either arrangements are made for them–if their attendance is really desired–or they don’t come. Or they come at the last minute, stay elsewhere and make the weekend about them. As in, it’s now their weekend trip. They’ll be at the event, have a wonderful time and be fabulous guests, but they will also have dinner reservations or an early flight so they can’t pick up those party favors or see that Aunt Carol has a ride to the airport. In other words, they will not go out of their way for the hostess, if the hostess didn’t go out of her way for them–and it’s totally fine with both parties! “They’re doing their thing. So glad they could make it AND have a special weekend for themselves.” Meanwhile, you’re sleeping on the sofa, picking up party favors AND driving Aunt Carol.
I had my Oprah “a-ha” moment one day when I was with my married girlfriends — sans husbands. They STILL had the same unspoken stance! The defining factor: If plans/arrangements don’t work for them, they say what does, confidently, but graciously, and it is known that if compromise or accommodations aren’t made, they will (politely) decline. They don’t bend.
In other words, they don’t wait to find out who is going to get the damn sofa!
They state the plan that works for THEM. There is no element of surprise upon arrival and if there is, it will quickly be made in their favor.
(The wife wasn’t even going, but her will was implied enough that sleeping arrangements for YOU were up in the air and you had a night on the sofa?!)
A couple of years ago I would’ve done exactly as you did, erred of the side of cautious flexibility for the sake of my friend and hope that my place in their lives–and chivalry, which is apparently dead in Northern CA–would translate to my accommodations. Now? I have now fully adopted the “married woman’s persona” in all things. I state what works for me with kindness and clarity. When those needs cannot be met I replace them with my alternatives, not someone else’s. I do not bend. (And now that I don’t bend; no one asks me to!!) I am now free to enjoy my time with friends and family, be helpful and relax because I know MY needs have been met.
So, this is what I would’ve said, “I cannot wait to see all of you! I’m glad “Tom” will be there even though “Susie” will be away. I think the sofa might be a bit uncomfortable for him. You are going to have lots of company in the coming years, how about a blow up bed for Tom? I’m sure he’d appreciate the comfy gesture. Oh! I have a 20% Bed, Bath and Beyond coupon you can have. Lots of love. See you soon.”
Thank you for sharing your experience and allowing me to share mine. You made me think about it differently and it brought clarity to things I have been trying to unravel.
Thanks for weighing in, AB. In general, I’m pretty good at asking for what I need. But every once in awhile, I realize it’s best to just go with it. This was that kind of weekend.
PS – If you don’t want to post my comment, I totally understand. I’m just grateful I got some clarity and got if off my chest:)
Oh dear, I did not mean to imply you don’t ask for what you need. You handled it beautifully. Your situation confirmed feelings I had in similar situations and the expectation that since I’m single I can be more flexible and I got so tired of having hurt feelings. Cheers!
A few years ago, I went to Napa with the same group of friends. And I was very clear that I wouldn’t go unless I had my own bedroom. So I’d have to say that in the case of last weekend, I made an exception.
Wendy, I’m pleased that you found the middle ground with the other guest with what sounds like, a sense of humor to boot. I bet he was only too willing to be acommodating once asked.
AB – your comments about bitchy married women brings me back to a life-changing memory: I recall my former best friend – she used to live 6 blocks away from me with her new husband. When people are married, they often expect you to go to them..and so I would, if I wanted to spend time together. One rare evening, she came to my house for dinner, just her. When it was time to leave, I asked her to text me when she got home after walking to ensure her safety even though our neighborhood was fine. I’ll never forget – she wrinkled her nose and said “Oh, I never walk after dark – my husband doesn’t let me. He’ll pick me up.” I thought of the dozens of times I’d left their house, well after midnight to get myself home, alone. Never did either of them once offer to drive me and it didn’t occur to me to ask since it was 6 blocks through the Haight-Ashbury. At that moment, I knew my value in their world and our friendship receded after that… I just couldn’t be bothered to always meet them on their turf.
It sounds very disappointing, but enlightening. What does that even mean, her husband “wouldn’t let her?” When I was looking for a condo, I made sure there was ample parking. I didn’t want any excuses from friends about not coming over to my place for dinner.
Wendy – that is because you are a thoughtful human being.
As for my former friend, it meant that her husband would pick her up after dark and was concerned for her safety and well-being. Apparently, that concern did not extend to their single girl friends leaving their home after dark. At any rate, they are now divorced.
It’s probably good that he’s now an ex.