filed in Daily Life
End of Week Zen
Indoor garden with fig tree by Yuliya
Discussion
6 comments for “End of Week Zen”
Leave a Reply
About this Site
FIRST PERSON SINGULAR is a guide to surviving, thriving and sometimes just getting through a single day. Created by Wendy Braitman (more…)
Follow First Person Singular
Greatest Hits
© 2010 First Person Singular. 
I’m finding it very hard to be Zen this week. I seem to be getting drawn into needless conflict left and right. For example, a former classmate posted something about her toddler daughter’s favorite books on facebook, and I commented about my nephew and how I find it hard to keep up with his demands to be constantly read to and she wrote a very rude, snappish response: “you can always say no, though apparently you’re an expert on child-rearing!!” That’s not what I meant at all, and she knew it, parents just always seem fired up and ready to take aim at any non-parent who crosses the line into discussing *anything* having to do with children, even if it’s from our own experience. I haven’t responded yet, and I don’t really want to, I let her have the last word, see how it stands with her. You don’t want to go around poking that bear. I am trying to be Zen and non-reactive, but it hurts when my only intention was to share something for comic relief and it triggered a big reaction. What do you normally do in these situations, Wendy?
I completely understand why you’re not in a Zen-like mood. It makes sense, given your classmate’s response. Here are a few of my tools – Lately, I’ve been thinking about a “take 10 deep breaths” rule, when I’m angry about something and want to respond. This particularly comes up while walking the dog in my busy neighborhood, where people texting in cars aren’t paying attention and almost run us over. Through the years, I’ve gotten better at not sending emails when I’m angry. Usually I like to wait at least overnight, if not a full day, to review. And most times, I don’t end up sending it. I’ve also discovered that giving parenting advice to friends, even if completely well intentioned, is a losing proposition. It sounds like you touched a nerve with your former classmate. Who knows why. In any case, you have to do what feels right for you. I trust your instincts.
Thank you for saying all that. I wasn’t even giving advice, I was just trying to tell a funny story about my nephew. Apparently I’m not qualified to talk about children at all from her perspective. It gets tiring sometimes, I don’t know why people create needless conflict. I agree about waiting to cool down. I always regret it when I send a reactive email. We just had a full moon recently, maybe that’s why people are foaming at the mouth!
My hunch is that this had more to do with her issues with parenting than with anything you said or with your qualifications.
Leyla I think you need to tell the proverbial Felicia: “bye!” You referred to her as a former classmate, not a friend so seems like you don’t need that negative energy. I struggle with people who make me feel bad enough at work (shout out to mean judges, aggravating opposing counsel, and unrealistic clients) that I’ve decided no tolerance for bit players who drag me down.
I would add a caveat to this. Ages ago, one of my dearest friends said something offensive to me after I offered her advice about her son (who happens to be my godson.) It stung. But she’s a wonderful person, and I’m happy our friendship has endured, despite a few bumps.