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Shout Out to Mom
It has been 23 years and a month since my mother died. I think of her every day. Now that so much time has passed, I’m filled with love and gratitude. But it took a full decade after she passed for me to make peace. She taught me to be independent, to stand up for myself, to take risks, and be a big thinker and doer. But paradoxically, my mom was also desperate for me to be married, and never let me forget that I disappointed her. So you might say I owe First Person Singular to her. She was beautiful and amazing, and I’m so lucky to have been her daughter.
Painting by Michael Dumontier and Neil Farber
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Wendy – I found this to be such an honest, touching, beautiful tribute to your mother. I also have a complicated relationship with my mother (who doesn’t I guess) related to being single. It’s hard when it seems like whatever we do just isn’t enough b/c all they want is to see us married.
Yeah, that was the real downside with my Mom. She could never come to terms with my marital status (even when I had). Unfortunately, that impacted our relationship. But I’ve now had lots of time to appreciate all that she gave me.
On the flip side, I never thought my mother cared enough whether I was married or not. I remember once, I was in my 30s I guess, and she said, ‘since you don’t have a family, it’s important to have a job you like.’ It felt kind of dismissive at the time, and looking back I feel I was not really old enough to have been given up on like that.
She was an elementary school teacher and all about kids, child development etc. (not to mention ‘family values’) but when it came to her own daughters (4 of us) I always felt like it didn’t matter to her that much whether we had families, etc.
So, of course I would have liked her to have cared a bit more, but not to have been ‘desperate’ about it for sure!
I wonder what your mom was really thinking about all of this, Robin.
That’s really hard for me to say – I still haven’t untangled all the threads of my family background; my mom inherited a very strong-willed stepdaughter when she married my dad, who was a widower, and quickly had three more daughters, of which I was the first. I think my mother was often overwhelmed.I try to believe she did the best she could, but I struggle with that sometimes. So I think her attitude was something like, just try to make the best of the situation you find yourself in.
This past Mother’s Day, my friend gathered a few of us for dinner whose Moms have all passed away (including his). Before the meal began, we went around the table talking about what we loved and didn’t love about our mothers. It was fascinating. Such a complex relationship.
That dinner conversation sounds like an interesting experience, and also possibly very helpful, hearing others’ experiences.
I also wondered, when you said your mother was ‘desperate’ for you to be married, what does/did that mean? Was it an issue of status, or normalcy (it’s what everyone is ‘supposed to do’?) Or worry about you not being cared for, or just what?
I do believe it was her wanting me to be cared for. But the problem in that thinking was that it didn’t put a lot of faith in me.
Glad you have found peace. I am so grateful that my parents, whatever they feel about my marital status, don’t express it. Zero pressure. I think they may be happy I’m single rather than married to any of the idiots I’ve dated. 🙂
Well said, Claire!!
I’m really sorry that your mother made you feel her disappointment. What do you think was behind your mom’s desperation?
It’s so complicated. But my very independent mother fell ill when she was in her thirties, and really needed my Dad for support. I think that was part of it. In her case, it was essential for her to have a reliable spouse. And happily, she did.
Also, my parents have never pressured me to get married (in fact, my parents advise against it, they say to get a dog instead if it’s companionship that I want). However, my younger sister has said some mean things to me about my status. She said it’s “weird for a successful, attractive woman to be single” and she expected me to take that as a compliment. I cried all the way home and I haven’t spoken to her since then (almost a month). I know I shouldn’t take her comments to heart, though. She got pregnant at age 25 and then ended up marrying her boyfriend for the sake of the baby. I think she’s angry that I have more options than she does in terms of how I live my life. She hasn’t had any alone time in almost two years since the baby was born.
Leyla – do you really want to be disconnected from your sister?
Some people think it’s regrettable that I don’t have a better relationship with my sister, but it can’t be helped. We have to sit at separate tables during Thanksgiving. My grandmother calls us “oil and vinegar.”
I didn’t start appreciating my brother until I was 39. When my mother died, we spent a week together, and I finally got to know him. Now, we’re incredibly close. Combining oil and vinegar can provide delectable results…
I wanted to reply earlier but the sheer pain of thinking about all I wanted to share prevented me.
I have had a complex relationship with my mother. As a child I have good memories of her but also, in retrospect there have been many occasions I feel (now) that she was too critical of me and that shaped my attitude towards things at a very young age. She didn’t do it intentionally I am sure but still it left a mark. Also me being the first born might have to do something with that( my sister was born 8 years later and I have felt the difference in the way my mom was more lenient towards her in a lot of things). But that is not the painful part I was talking about. Following a major brain surgery 16 years ago my mom gradually turned into a person whom I no longer recognize. She is now a shadow of her former self and lost in her own world of misery and bitterness. She is there and yet not there with us. And that brings out a range of emotions in me which I have never been able to make peace with.
It’s such a young age to watch your mother’s decline. (My mother got sick in her 30’s, and compared to my friends, I felt unlucky.) Have you ever tried to write about your experiences with your Mom?
I have written Wendy and it was cathartic to some extent. But the thing is I am living with my parents which means I am around my mom more than I can handle. So it becomes an ongoing thing. Most days I am ok and don’t let this bother me. But certain days I cant help being angry/helpless or a mix of both.
There are constraints in moving out of the house and living all by myself though I really want to.
I used to yearn very much whenever I came across any mother-daughter duo – be it friends or cousins or random strangers.I used to feel sorry for myself and I wish someone had been there to correct that line of thinking at that age.
I would say most women have very complicated relationships with their mothers, so in that sense, you’re in good company. What are the constraints of moving out?
Finding it difficult to find a house in a good and safe locality at affordable rent. Many of the ads post that they want to rent out for families only. Single women mostly find accommodation in a hostel or as paying guest or rent out as a group of women. Another factor is the attitude of owners towards renting to people with a dog. It is more of psychological aversion towards dogs than anything for many people. And then there is this-Unmarried women here are perceived as “approachable” and vulnerable. I have had a few uncomfortable encounters with random strangers who notice me walking my dog daily and take it as an opportunity to stare or try and strike up an unnecessary conversation.
All these factors combined my dad also dismisses the notion of me moving out. He thinks I cannot survive alone and it is not safe either. Every time this topic comes he will dismiss it lightly or say you can get married and move out 🙁
That’s a lot of pressure, Kavitha. Do you imagine a time when the culture will evolve on this issue, as has happened in the U.S.?
Hmm I guess it will evolve but not in the near future. As of now the change I see is that society is more tolerant towards women settling through marriage in their late twenties or later. Also parents are being more open to the idea of love marriages. The change is still revolving around marriage only, being unmarried is not considered an option!
It’s frustrating to live in a culture that isn’t keeping up the pace. But that’s why I’m so glad that you hang out with us here!!