filed in Daily Life
Diving Right In
Lately, I’ve been writing about reaching beyond your comfort zone. On Saturday night, I decided to take my advice. I RSVP’d yes to a house-warming party way across town, hosted by a friend’s friend who I only met once, where it was unlikely that I would know anyone. As a motivating force, I thought it could be an opportunity to network. During the week leading up to the festivities, I gave myself pep talks, remembering that guests at the party won’t notice that I’m alone. It’s not like there’s a LOSER sign pasted on my back. I set a tangible goal. If I could hand out one business card, it would be a success. I arrived at the party and surveyed the sea of strangers. Should I go to the bar first or head straight into the crowd. Frozen in place, a man came up to me and said that he was hired by the host to socialize with people who looked adrift. BUSTED!! We chatted amiably for 20 minutes, I handed him my business card, and turned around and went home.
Illustration by Ella Frances Sanders
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oh, no! I’m sorry that you made such an effort for a disappointing experience. I’ve found that totally new social situations can either feel like wild fun adventures, in that I get to meet so many different people, or they end up more like yours, feeling a bit like a dead end. Several months ago I went to wine tasting to meet people and it was so crowded I got stuck in a corner with a man 25ish years older than me. I tried to make the best of it by being chatty and friendly, but then at the end when he asked for my number, I wanted to react with a primal scream. (Older men are not my type.)
On another note I think that it’s unfortunate that you immediately attracted the attention of that hired-hand and I wonder if the situation would have been different had you had a man next to you. I often solicit looks of pity if I’m, say, sitting alone at a coffee shop reading, or even biking alone, and it pisses me off–I think; what’s so pitiable about this situation, really?
Well, since I think that it’s true that we ‘reap what we sow’, in virtue of the effort you put out tonight you’ll probably find some social door open in another area (if that’s what you’re looking for).
I like your optimism Meg, and I’ll be looking for that open social door.
Well come on, you did attain your goal (hand out one business card). Plus you just TRIED something you found challenging. So pat yourself on the back! I always feel if I want to try something and even if it turns out to be a disaster, I tried, and if I hadn’t I would have kept wondering, what if –?
I’m not sure if it seems better that the professional mingler was upfront about his role at the event or not. If he had just presented himself as a nice conversation partner, rather than as someone getting paid to talk to you, you might have ended up feeling differently about the whole thing and staying longer.
On the car ride home, I gave myself a pat on the back for achieving my goal. I just wish the experience was more satisfying.
Wendy,
It matters that you went, no matter that it was a bit disappointing. Thank you for always modeling strength and curiosity, even when the result is not a fairy tale ending. It’s real AND inspiring. Liz
Definitely not a fairy tale ending. But I’m so glad I got the chance to share it here!
Ha, I like your use of “busted!” The host must have known his/her guests would be a bunch of unfriendly prigs if they had to hire someone to talk to newcomers. Not your fault! You win some, you lose some. Hope the next party is better.
I’m not blaming the party, which seemed perfectly nice. It was an unwieldly crowd for me to break into. It would’ve been much easier had I gone with a friend
Hmm, why didn’t you use the paid schmoozer to help you break into the crowd? Just not interested?
Not really interested.
Interesting situation, Wendy. The idea of a ‘paid schmoozer’ gets me thinking. I can see it helping in some very mixed company, but for him to confess seems tacky. It’s one thing for him to talk to you to make you feel comfortable, but hopefully he’d go one step further and smoothly introduce you at least one or two other people (because, hopefully, he’d been paying attention to other guests and making the connections).
Good for you for going to the party. That alone is an accomplishment.
Let me say that I don’t really know if this guy was actually paid to schmooze, or did it as a favor to the host, or it’s just a line he uses. I was honestly glad to have someone to talk to when I first walked in. And then, having accomplished my mission, I was happy to be out of there.
I’m with the others in congratulating you for making the attempt. And I think you were very courageous for going to the party alone. While these situations can be uncomfortable at times, at other times venturing forth solo elicits both self-satisfaction AND admiration from others. Case in point: two years ago I took a solo foodie road trip to the upper Midwest. I went to the Dane County Farmers Market in Madison, WI (the country’s largest producer-only market and a place that felt like “home” to me, even though I’d never been there before). Because I was both interested in the market AND I was by myself, I made myself talk to the market staff, the vendors, and even the owner of Fromagination (a FABULOUS cheese shop on Capitol Square). I talked to many people that I wouldn’t have had I been with a friend or significant other. Frankly, I felt it to be very freeing.
I also ate lunch at The Old-Fashioned, a Wisconsin-focused casual restaurant and I sat at the bar because I didn’t want to wait an hour for a table. I started chatting with a couple seated next to me. They were so impressed that I was undertaking this trip by myself! Indeed, the word “brave” was said. I don’t think of it as particularly brave, but stepping back and looking at the big picture, females traveling solo is still out of society’s norms!
Party situations can be more fraught with anxiety, though. And you did hand out a business card. Your sharing this with all of us at FPS just makes me admire you even more.
I am pretty unimpressed with the professional schmoozer guy, though. If that’s what he was hired to do, he certainly shouldn’t have announced that to you and whoever he found “adrift” after you. Hope they didn’t pay too much for him!
I find it far easier to be open to talking to strangers when I’m out of town. Do others feel this way? And if so, why do you think that’s true.
Interesting question, Wendy. And I’m not really sure. Perhaps because, being out of our normal environment, we act a little differently?
Yes. I think that’s part of it. Being more open, somewhow.
I’m the same. If ‘out of town’ suggests on vacation, or doing something that you really want/like to do, maybe then you feel more of a kinship with those around you. Or, you are just happier since you are doing something you like. Plus you are out of your normal routine which for a lot of people I think limits their openness to anything that deviates from the pattern.
Traveling gives me more permission to talk to strangers.
I feel slightly traumatized just reading your account of this rather odd house-warming party with its professional schmoozer! I’m wondering why you were even invited to such an event if you had met the host — a “friend of a friend” — only once. But what do I know? My social circle has shrunk so far that I am no longer attune to the usual protocols. As other commenters have said, I admire your courage in attending — as I get older here in Spinsterville (as my friends and I call NYC), I find myself avoiding this sort of thing, and on the rare occasion I talk myself into accepting an invitation, I almost invariably regret it and find myself longing for my couch and a book. You get an A+ for setting and reaching an attainable goal.
I’m not sure why I was invited. Perhaps the host was casting a wide net to get an ecletic mix of people at his party. He’s a stand up guy, and I think his intentions were good. I play it safe socially most of the time. And since I’ve asked you all to go outside your comfort zones, I felt like I had to do the same.