filed in Daily Life
What’s the Role of Work When You’re Single?
During the decades when I felt sadness about being single, I always had a career to lean on. My work in the film industry gave me purpose, structure, travel, camaraderie, an excuse to stay late in the office and a position of respect. When I lost my job and couldn’t find another, it was the most existential crisis of my life. Without a spouse or work, who was I?
This happened when I was fifty. Looking back, if I could pick a moment to be plunged into self doubt, it was better at that ripe age when I’d accumulated a measure of wisdom and coping skills.
One of the ways out of the gloom was a technique I’d honed being single amidst mostly married friends, and trying not to feel like a misfit. And that was reminding myself (again and again) of an inner truth even if it wasn’t being reflected from the outside world:
You have inherent value.
You have inherent value.
It became a mantra, which I silently murmured before job interviews, after job rejections, on consoling walks with my dog, and hesitant walks into social events where I knew people would ask, “and what do you do?”
And so I survived, and went on to create a wonderful, new vocation as a Career Coach, where I get to guide others in their moments of professional crisis.
I want to hear about your experience with work. What role does it play in your single life?
Illustration by Marc Johns
Discussion
10 comments for “What’s the Role of Work When You’re Single?”
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To me, work is the way I contribute to society and pay my bills, but I don’t personally identify with it. I would say that being a homeowner, a pet owner, and a choral singer are things that play a bigger role in my life. Work is a means to an end.
I love that you’re a choral singer. That’s a true calling.
After more than two decades in the TV industry, I was retrenched when I was 42.
I know exactly the pendulum of emotions you speak of, Wendy. I had never felt so much self-doubt. It was such a blow to my ego and my definition of who I was.
Looking back though, it was exactly what I needed. I was coasting in a job I could do in my sleep, unmotivated, feeling ‘safe,’ so entrenched in my comfort zone.
That time alone – and by that I mean I had no work to distract me from myself – gave me space to ponder on my life. It also gave me enough fear to be brave (does that make sense?). “What is there to lose?” I would ask myself. The worse that you can happen is people say no.
I learned too – like you – that my life had value, period. (Mind you, I think I will need to remind myself of this throughout my life)
I now work in a non-profit, switched from communications to community-building and I’ve never felt so fulfilled in a job. I don’t get the Monday blues and there is a deep knowing that this is where I’m meant to be. And that this job is preparing me for future endeavours. There is also so much to learn – even the fact that I’m the oldest person in our team, or having a boss who’s younger than me – are opportunities to grow as a person.
I’m glad you’ve embarked on a new adventure as well, and may it fulfull and surprise you and give you the opportunity to get to know yourself too as you evolve as a human being.
This is beautifully said, Mai. Congratulations on your career reinvention. And thanks for sharing your experience with all of us.
I have achieved a lot of professional success, if the rug were pulled out from under me, I suspect I would be very lost.
In my experience, it was incredibly disorienting, and it took all the strength of character that I could muster to pull through. But I did pull through. That’s the good news. And I’m sure you would find your way too.
I have found work to be a refugee as a single person and on one hand that can be a great thing but if one isn’t careful, it can turn work into a substitute for a relationship, which clearly isn’t healthy.
I had worked in higher ed communications for nearly seven years as several top 10 universities and was always willing to relocate for the next big position. My third university was a highly esteemed institution known for its medical and technological advances. I absolutely loathed working there and they began to feel the same way about me. I quit one day without having another job and once I got over what I had done, I felt so liberated. Finally, I can have a life!
Where I work now, I’m just so happy and that has trickled into all other aspects of my life. I feel like I’m finally in the right position to add balance to my life. I admit being paid nicely helps but more than anything, being around people who I respect and whose company I enjoy combined with interesting, challenging work and management that actively works to preserve a welcoming culture has made me want to create the same thing outside the workplace as well.
I’m really glad for you Tasha. And thanks again for being so articulate about single life and work.
I have often resented hearing “you chose your career over a family.” I think that many women who don’t have a family aren’t just choosing a career. They maybe choosing a life for themselves that includes having a career. I am really active in different political and recreational activities that contribute equally as my career. It is pretty important to me to have life work balance
My work/life balance breakthrough came when I decided to leave work at 6pm (which was way early for me) and check out a ballet class. It was transformational to make a commitment to something beyond work. Being single, the balance doesn’t have to come from the structure of a traditional family. It can also emerge from meaningful political and recreational activities, as you describe.