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Are We Single for a Reason?
I was having the best time, soaking up the sun in the backyard with Freedom, Jonathan Franzen’s sprawling new book. That is, until I came across a sentence that made me shiver. Patty, a leading character in the saga, hates her family, but realizes her parents’ neglect was good for something. It inadvertently helped her settle down with a fine husband, not like…..
her sisters, who are now in their early forties and living alone in New York, too eccentric and/or entitled-feeling to sustain a long-term relationship.
I closed the book, sat up straight and wondered if, here at last, was the explanation for EVERYTHING. Time for a personal inventory. Well for starters, I suffered no parental neglect. I live in California, where I’ve had long-term relationships, and entitled does seem like a fancy way of saying, too picky. I stretched out in the sun, and read on.
Image: Dryad, Chris Kuzma
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31 comments for “Are We Single for a Reason?”
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Yes! I am single for a reason. And it isn’t because I am “too eccentric”.
This smacks of a throw-away line. The logic presumes that to be single in one’s early fourties is obviously bad, and therefore one must be “too eccentric and/or entitled-feeling” or they would otherwise not be single…
And just what is “entitled-feeling” anyway?
Winegoddess, I love your attitude!
Just found this site and had to comment on this thread. I love it when I meet new people and they figure out my age somehow and then say “you can’t be that old…you look so good” I usually respond ” thank you, it’s because I never got married or had kids, so all the choices in my life were for me alone. I’m a bit selfish that way.”… and I’m looking forward to entering my 6th decade in a few months.
There is some pleasure in defying expectations. But I don’t see my single life as a selfish one. It has freed up my time to give in a broader way.
When someone tells you your life as a single is selfish, it is
1. A signal to you that couplehood is not anywhere near what it is cracked up to be; and
2. Misery desperately seeking company.
As I told a longtime married friend who never ever had a feeling that she wanted kids, when she related to me getting the “selfish” from her friends with kids. Of course she didn’t need my ‘advice,’ because she had…well, she had never ever wanted kids.
Most reasons I have heard for wanting children – and wanting to be married – smack of selfishness.
I don’t think I’m imagining it when I say, most of the mother’s I know treat their children like property and their children’s minds as books they will “wright”. Who am I to judge, I would probably do the same had I a child though I hope not.
I should add:
Franzen’s tipping off that he’s in a bad marriage.
If someone ever thought my lifestyle (childfree by choice and now single) was selfish, I would ask how my choices are hurting anyone else – isn’t that part of the definition of selfish? Also, I agree, most reasons I’ve heard for wanting children are selfish.
I don’t see anything about your choice as selfish. I appreciate that you knew what you wanted. Being single without children, I have more time to give back to a larger community, my city, my state. It has become a bigger circle.
Eccentric is not a bad thing to be, and I do feel entitled…to being myself and doing what I want to do.
Eccentric to me has often meant “interesting.” I love this site!
Kimmy, great to meet you! I looked up the technical definition of eccentric, and it’s “not centered on the same point as another.” That is interesting.
To be honest, I can’t help being single. But it is hard. you work harder to maintain and create good support network where as it comes naturally if you are with someone.
remember how easily happy, energetic and positive you become when there is someone in your life. I appreciate you are all trying to make the best out of a situation that is beyond your control but lets be honest being single is not a walk in the park.
I’m curious, Mia. What do you mean, “I can’t help being single.”
Mia– I know exactly what you mean. Being single isn’t easy most of the time, and it’s much easier to feel energetic and cheerful when there is someone to share things with. It seems most people have families for purely selfish reasons; being selfless would mean foregoing having one’s own family and instead serving in an African orphanage with lots of unwanted children who crave attention and affection. Obviously that’s not a life most people choose — but that’s selfless. Most want a family and home of their own for very selfish reasons. Being single — and working to find interests and activities to occupy the empty evenings and long weekends — is pretty tough going.
In a conversation with a co-worker today I shared that I would like to someday marry. She looked at me smiled, and said no you don’t…she is married. Makes you wonder!
Shari, I’d be curious to hear more from your colleague about why she said that.
It’s great to see this discussion still alive two years after the original post.
Two things:
1/ The quote from the novel reminds me how often being single is equated with being slightly faulty in some way (eg entitled/eccentric)
2/ Why are single people always having to defend being single? I mean, what’s so threatening about us that people have to give us the second degree about how we came to be that way?
Or am I just being too sensitive?
I am single for a reason. I’m smart, successful and gorgeous and have no desire to climb on top of broke old bald man with hair growing out of his ears that complain about how much they pay their ex-wives. Men have gotten lazy and forgotten that they are supposed to chase the woman. I’m not hunting you, you’re hunting me, so act like it!
HOw do you do it? Enjoy being single. I’m over 50, and I can;t stand it anymore, yet not able to find someone suitable (too picky?) yet. I crave to share my life with another, it is an intimacy you can;t have being single, and I do all the spiritual work to know. I wonlt even travel anymore because I want that special someone to share it with. How do you do it? I feel like singleness promotes emotional distancing and avoiding any conflicts, but is this ultimaltely good for us? Just my POV.
Oh, K. I know your pain. Thanks so much for taking the risk of sharing. I’ve wrung myself dry through the years about exactly what you’re describing. And then one day it lifted. I have so much intimacy, love and community in my life as a single woman. It’s possible. It really is. Please, please, please, let’s keep talking.
Thanks for replying, so how did you do it?
This is part of a very long conversation. But for starters, one of the turning points was practicing gratitude. And I mean, practicing, since it doesn’t come easy for me. As soon as I wake up every morning, I take a few moments to appreciate that I’ve gotten the chance to live another day. And every evening before dinner, I force myself to come up with at least 5 things that I’m grateful for, especially when times are tough. This has taught me to appreciate all the hidden areas in my life that are a lot better and more filled with love than I realized.
I am only 22 years old, but have found myself disinterested in relationships in general, while many of my friends are getting into serious relationships or engaged. I find myself VERY disinterested, maybe even a little repulsed (too harsh maybe?) by the idea of getting married or having kids. I have too many other goals for things I want to do throughout my life, not just now, and marriage seems almost claustrophobic to me in a way, if that makes sense. I don’t know if I really crave romantic relationships.
I think the only thing that scares me is becoming distanced from all my friends once they continue their relationships and have kids. I’m not sure I know other women my age who want to live a life the way I do, and I am anxious that I might end up feeling lonely.
Any advice?
Please don’t worry, Pixie. Explore and have fun. Trust your instincts.
It’s true that I’ve sometimes experienced sadness and loneliness when my friends started families, but the strong ties have endured the test of time and the true ones are still my friends decades later. And it has also forced me to continue being out there in the world to make new friends, which has been a very positive experience. Stay in touch with us. Please!
I love being single.
Serene
Intelligent
Nice (or Naughty)
Gorgeous
Laughing
Exactly how I like it.
Beautiful. I want this poster size.
Great insights! Enjoy this site very much!
There is no perfect status. Singlehood and marriages both have it’s pros and cons.
Seems like the hardest thing about being single is nonconformity. But then who the heck cares what others think-do they alter our lives in any ways?
Try to find single friends who are in simular circumstances and spend time with family and non single friends who gets us! Life doesn’t wait till we find someone so why should we wait to live until we find the other half.
I don’t think it’s always about being picky, but rather knowing what doesn’t feel right! And yes not all of us have the faith to just meet the right person-no one is to blame!
I am speaking from a mind that is healthy and mature enough to figure out what we want and what makes us happy or not and not doing something just so we conform.
I have been single for most of my 42 years of life. I had few relationships and I got pregnant accidently but I felt empowered just bc I am single didn’t mean I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to be a Mom since I was given opportunity.
Trust me I have everything anyone can ask for: looks, brains, sucess, etc…but you know what it just didn’t happen yet or maybe never. NO way am I going to let others tell me I am selfish, picky, self centred etc. Those are characteristics of not singlehood but of a person.
Let’s just make most and enjoy our lives regardless bc time still flies by whether we wait for right person or we don’t!
In love S
Wise words, Suzanne. It’s a pleasure to soak them in. Thanks.
Being single has it’s ups and downs just like being married does. I’ve been in meaningful relationships and been single for some time, both require give and take. The aspect that I am trying to build is a stronger community, while living in rural South Carolina. To me I think this is the ultimate key, for my situation. Stronger communal relationships.
Yes, I completely agree Eva. Building community is so important, married or single.