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Single Life Gets the Cover of The Washington Post
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FIRST PERSON SINGULAR is a guide to surviving, thriving and sometimes just getting through a single day. Created by Wendy Braitman (more…)
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Great article! I can relate. Glad to discover your blog.
So glad to meet you Debbie. And I hope you continue to share your thoughts on this site. There are still so many misconceptions about being single. I’ve just been reading some of the comments in the Washington Post. Among the first 10 I looked at, several of them (from men, I might add) are really nasty. I’m glad to know you can relate to this journey.
Great article and I love your blog. I made the plunge in my mid 40s and married. I quickly realized my mistake but it took 10 years of trying to make it work before I finally said, You know, I was much happier single. Six months later, I am happy again and single.
How quick is quickly? And what was it you realized?
Guys too!
I came this article in the WaPo. Accompanying the feature was a link to “First Person Singular.” I haven’t looked into the blog but superficially but noted that it seems to solely address women: single, never (?) married women. Being a guy I felt left out, ignored that somehow men don’t face the same conundrum of circumstances leading to ‘bachelorhood’ and what might be referred to as the consequences. There are many circumstances and turns that one takes resulting in living alone. In my case a very long journey of learning about myself; a very uncomfortable trip indeed; mostly revolving around trust. I’ve more or less have grown to cope though it has been difficult not just for myself but for others that I (still) care deeply for. I feel guilt and missed opportunities but honestly, though subconsciously, rationalize that it was all for the best because of my lack of knowledge about myself. Holidays don’t bother me any more. Rather than wall-to-wall Christmas music on the radio or seasonal stuff on TV (I simply cannot watch “It’s a Wonderful Life”), I tend to listen to CDs, envelop myself in a great book, make coffee and call a few friends. I’m a huge fan of NetFlix. Sometimes I am invited to a Thanksgiving dinner but almost feel like a charity case though I am thankful for the friendship that is demonstrated.
But holidays are ‘small potatoes’ compared to other aspects of life that I miss and, frankly, require to flourish. Right now I am in the midst of a move to another region of the country; northern Wisconsin. I would have loved to have had someone in my life to discuss the many moving issues that I (singular) have had to make – or to move at all or to move to a different locality entirely.
The things that I miss in not being married are many; not having the experience of commitment, compromising and sharing, the experience of having and teaching/sharing with my children and watching them grow into fine adults and form their own families. But sharing is what I miss the most, or, to be candid, need the most. I am not a loner and do not flourish as such. I go to cultural events and ‘outings’ when I am with someone else and enjoy myself immensely because I am sharing. I have, as an experiment, done things that I would enjoy with another by myself. It was perhaps not terrible but it was not enjoyable which made me feel all that more alone and isolated from the ‘human experience.’
So you see it is not just women that have to contend with being single. Single men face many of the same issues in struggling with their singleness; some of which women do not have to face at all. Here is an example. Can a single man enjoy watching children playing? No. I’ll leave it up to the reader to understand why this is a fact in our society. So very, very sad.
Thanks Dave for reminding me that men bear some of the same cultural misperceptions.
Good morning Wendy. My name is Alberto Mario Pernett. I stumbled on a little profile about you –and others– in the Washington Post’s The Single Life: Some People Never Find The Love Of Their Lives. And Live To Tell About it.
My case is kinda similar to yours and others described in that article, main difference is that I’m a gay male and 40 years old, soon 41 in about a month. Still single after various short relationships throughout my life and only fell in love one time (still am). Worst at all, living with my parents due to my financial fragility and lack of response from my daily job to rebound financially. You can add to that a bit of homophobia both coming from family and society, here in Colombia is not easy for a gay man to be so spontaneous like on many liberal places like, say, San Francisco or NY in North America.
After the debacle of trying to win the heart and establish a relationship with the man I’m in love with (he’s a deep closet case and in an actual relationship with a woman, and from signs of things, maybe soon to marry her) and let him go, I’m on a cranky/depressing/volatile/calm mood these last couple months and trying to analyze what’s wrong with me, asking a ton of questions and suddenly by reading the Post article I realized that somehow I’m not alone (no pun intended) on my journey. So far I woke up today with the certainty that I will never find my better half, and I’m starting to work around it and try to accept it without losing my horizon and hope. Your words in your article made me cry but at the same time gave me some sense of relief. Your’e right, there is no answer for any of my questions I’ve in my head. Maybe I can try to live life as passes by, day by day and enjoy the little things.
Oh, and discrimination? Yes, that’s totally true. I have a not too used cellphone and it rings about… 5 times per week maybe? We human beings can be so cruel sometimes.
Thank you for giving me a bit of relief
I’ve read the WP article and looked around First Person Singular a little bit. As a never-married, single woman who will turn 51 in April, I don’t suffer annoying questions about my relationship status or unneeded advice on what to do to myself to attract the “right” man. Am I in some odd minority?
I have to say that I’m amazed that in the 21st century, women still ask questions like “Would you rather be smart or sexy?” refer to single women as old maids and spinsters, want to get married in white and take their spouses last names(granted, not mentioned in the WP article; don’t know if they show up on FPS). Aren’t these all vestiges of the sexist paternalism my mother lived in and that are so accurately portrayed on Mad Men. Evidently not, considering the success of another show, Say Yes to the Dress. Sexism is alive and well as long as we continue to care about white wedding dresses and whether or not men are threatened by intelligent women, to wonder if a high IQ makes us un-sexy, and to label ourselves “spinster.” OMG… seriously??
Ok, so I just jumped down off my soap box. I actually do have a sense of humor and like men…a lot. And…gasp!!…I read On Love every weekend…
I’m impressed by your conviction and strength. And I’m glad to have your voice in the conversation. I hope you’ll continue to stay tuned and share your point of view!
Good afternoon… and I appreciate the opportunity to “meet” you via Ellen McCarthy’s piece in tomorrow’s Washington Post magazine. Your take on “single-ness” is refereshing and one that I share, even after 3 marriages whose prime “positives” were my 2 remarkable sons. I spent almost 50 year traveling the world on business and learned long ago that “being lonely” in not the same “being alone”… and for the past 18 years, “being alone” has meant the luxury of sharing life with others at my… and their… choosing.
After reading your “94” list, I objectively find I have only 1 “negative”, at least in your eyes, and that is comforting. Sorry that we are “GU”… would like to have been able to share time and space with you…
Michael Weisman
I’m glad you took a minute to hop on board. I hope people understand that I’m poking fun a myself with that piece. Enjoy your day.
Just finished reading the article and really enjoyed it- you seem like such an interesting, well rounded woman- the type of person we all want to be. Your blog looks intriguing as well, so i think I’ll stick around here this afternoon with my coffee. Nice to “meet” you and look forward to reading more.
Ditto!! Spend some time and join in.
Wendy,
Glad to have found your blog. I’m a 30-year-old man and I relate quite a bit to the man mentioned in the Post story, even though I’m much younger and have “plenty of time” to find a woman to marry. I’m trying to learn not to beat myself up about my growing distaste for dating and just focus on the things that make me happy and forget about the rest. You seem to have found peace with yourself over time, and that is something I envy. Best of luck to you and everyone in BEING HAPPY!
You sound a lot wiser than I was at 30. I had no perspective then. But I’ve been working on it!
I love when the NYT points me at a good blog, such as yours. Good writing! The post about scoring the best room in the vacation house was terrific. Looking forward to more reading of your writing.
And I look forward to hearing your story, too!
Very much enjoyed the article and finding your blog. I am a lot like the guy in DC- where I also work- who just “vants to be be alone” (a la Garbo) after a long day in a nest of vipers. To say DC is cliquish is the understatement of the year; it’s difficult for an older single person to make friends here.
Just wanted to know I tried to add your blog’s RSS feed to My Yahoo, and it doesn’t seem to be working.
Thanks and keep up the great work.
Thanks, Sally, for giving us a window into D.C. life. When I moved to L.A. from San Francisco, it took me a long time to build community. We spend so much time alone in our cars here, that you really have to work at it. As far as the RSS feed, I’m contacting my tech guy and I’ll let you know.
Have you ever tried dating women?
Just not my thing. Although sometimes I wish it was, since it would open up the dating pool.
Hi, Wendy! I’ve been reading your blog for about a year- I love the art and your reflections. I’ve never commented before, but I wanted to say hi because I think I may have played some role in connecting you with the author – I saw a note from Ellen McCarthy in another Washington Post chat room that she was writing a post about the single life, and I thought immediately about your blog and emailed her. I thought the article was great!
Wow. Thanks so much Anna for connecting my blog to Ellen. I’m thrilled that you’ve been enjoying it. And I’m glad you took the time this morning to say hello. Please continue to join in the conversation. I’d really like hearing your point of view on the single life.
Great article! I can relate although my situation is very different. I got married in my 20s and left after 10 years. I always say I don’t have a good breakup story – we were not unhappy but we were not happy either. I could not imagine spending the rest of my life like that.
It’s been 2 years and I have no desire to enter into another relationship or marry again. I love living alone and this is the happiest i have been in a long time.
I’m so glad to hear your story. The facts are just about everyone will experience being single at some point. So it’s good to get the hang of it. And enjoy it, while it lasts.
To realize, at the tender young age of 46, that I might never find that love of a lifetime, well, it’s kind of gobsmacking at times. Lasting love seems like some impossible dream. Nothing in my education or upbringing prepared me for this, and I have days where I feel mildly unnerved by my situation. This is not my storybook life. They alternate with days where I feel snug and satisfied and oddly content, which is also a little unnerving in its way. It’s just too easy for me to be alone, so long as I have friends.
I’ve been taught that I’m not complete without a partner, and so I feel slightly odd and self-conscious about my place in society. The neighbors must wonder why my girlfriend of three years doesn’t live here anymore (she left about three years ago, and I haven’t brought anyone else home since, because I’m very picky about who I invite into my life). It bothers me that I even give a damn what the neighbors think.
Years ago, I saw tv report about middle-aged people who had never been married. They showed a first date between a man and woman, both mid-40s. The guy, a lawyer, was sad because his dog had died recently. The woman sympathized: her mother had died a year or so earlier, and she spoke briefly about her grief. Surely, this will be a meaningful conversation for both of them, I thought. Then the guy said, “Yeah, well, getting back to my dog…” It makes me laugh to remember what an idiot he was, but it’s such an apt metaphor for dating and miscommunication.
When I feel lonely, I reflect on my married friends who can’t stand their own spouses. I could be truly miserable, like them, but I’m not.
One of my favorite quotes on this subject is from Anton Chekhov:
“If you’re afraid of loneliness, don’t marry.”
I just read the article in the Washington Post about you and wanted to say thanks. The article summed up a lot of what I’ve been struggling with as a single woman.
Like you, however, I’m glad I did not settle. As you put it “Settling just never seemed like the right move. Because that, I think, tears at your soul.”
The way I think of it, I’d rather be lonely by myself then be lonely with someone else. When I’m by myself, I can at least eat the ice cream right out of the carton.
Thanks again.
Wendy,
[I posted similar question to the WAPO Q&A, hope it makes the cut.]
I enjoyed finding your blog. I would have preferred the photo of you in the Q&A over the dog walking photo. The former is a much more positive and flattering image. I am impressed by your ability to express in your blog posts how a person can be happy in the life they have while still hoping a different life in the future. That perspective is often unfairly characterized as “false cheer”. What is your opinion of the article? What parts of the article did you like / dislike?
I am glad to see a few men writing to you. That was me for a large part of my life so I can easily empathize with them.
Tom Murphy
I’m surprised by how many men have written to me. When the Post article first surfaced online, it had a photo of my face with the headline, “The Lonely Heart.” So there are a few things I wish they’d done differently. The photos they’ve chosen to frame the piece reinforce the image that being single is walking through life alone. (except maybe with pet). And what’s missing, I think, is that there’s an existential loneliness for all of us, whether single or coupled.
I love this site and am so glad that we are now talking about the virtues of singledom. I’ve been completely out of a relationship for 8 years now and have had long periods of singlehood before then. I’m not looking for a guy anymore and feel that the burden of having to have a relationship has finally lifted. I tried online dating and my response was to go take a nap and get over it.
The only times I feel conflicted about being single are big family holidays and social events where being partnered is expected. And, I agree that all of us, no matter what marital state we’re in have an existential loneliness. This is part of the human experience that a spiritual life can go a long way to fulfill.
I’m 65 years old now and am planning to quit working soon. I will then do the most challenging thing for me which is to travel single. It scares me a bit but I plan to join some traveling “groups” where I’m sure I’ll make friends.
It makes me happy to know that here in America I woman can live her life unpartnered and live it in a fulfilling and satisfied way. When I was married and when I was in “committed” relationships, I felt that his life priorities were prime and mine were secondary. Maybe this was unique to my choices of men, but I don’t think so. Now, I do what I want when I want without having to consider what he thinks of it. Ahhhh! Freedom!
Thanks, Jody, for your thoughtful comment. You might check out Mary Bond, who has a great travel site, with lots of strategies for traveling solo. http://gutsytraveler.com/
Wendy – fell upon your article while trying to find out the results of the Maine Caucus !!!! as a 50 yr single guy In Ireland the article described my own experiences but you have a great spirit & sense of humour which helps in the bad times as well as the good times – for me at family gatherings, weddings etc people fell sorry for me & some can’t understand how content I am – as the article said we’ve missed the ‘one’ for all sorts of reasons but my motto is that of F.Scott Fitzgerald ‘to live well is the greatest revenge’ Regards Raymond
Fantastic to hear from you from Ireland. And I’m glad to know you’re following our election so closely.
Hi Wendy:
I really enjoyed the article and was pleased to discover your blog. I can add another perspective that was lightly covered in the WaPo comments: I looked around at the age of 38, realized “Mr. Right” had apparently missed his bus, and concluded that I could live without him better than I could without children (probably helped that some of my friends’ marriages to “Mr. Right” were ending by then). I am now the utterly delighted, altogether too proud mother of two beautiful boys, 6 and 3 (same anonymous donor, so they’re full biological siblings). Of all I’ve done in my life, I am most proud of my decision not to allow the absence of a man to deprive of the joy of motherhood (which I realize isn’t meant for everyone, much less every single). These boys were clearly destined to be here. And what I’ve learned from my married friends is this: while single life/parenthood is challenging, the challenges are different — not necessarily greater — than married life/parenthood. I, at least, know exactly what the demands of each day will be — I have many friends who bear the much greater frustration of never knowing exactly when their partner will “show up” and when s/he won’t. I’ve come to believe a heavy load is much easier to bear than an unevenly apportioned or ever-changing load.
Thanks for writing for those of us who might have envisioned things differently but are making our own happiness with the cards life dealt (which may be, in reality, almost everyone). Aloha, Carol
Carol, that’s great. I’m so happy about your choice, and being proactive in the life you envisioned for yourself. Well done!
THANK YOU for putting a voice to a seemingly cast aside population. I live in D.C., read your story in the Post, and it touched me so deeply. I just turned 49 and got married for the first time less than 2 years ago. I did not settle. However, all those intervening years just “happened.” How do you explain the decades that pass with no partner? I had people ask me point blank “what’s wrong with you?” That’s so unfair. About 5 years ago I made a decision to live my life differently and I fundamentally changed some behaviors. I did this for ME. Lo and behold, after I worked on myself, a good man came into my life who is kind and respectful and loving. I feel incredibly blessed. I have so many friends who are just like me and are single. I fully recognize I am an anomaly and I have to admit I still identify with the single girl even though I am very happily married. I can’t magically become part of a pair — it’s a process.
I know a couple of women who got married for the first time in their late forties, and still identify in some ways with the single woman. The good news is it sounds like you found a good partner. I couldn’t quite figure out from your comment if you’re making a correlation between working on yourself and finding a mate.
Not necessarily … but who knows? It’s a crapshoot. I do not believe in a “one.” The man I married in my late 40s is definitely not the man I would have been attracted to in my 20s. That was an eye-opening revelation. What changed for me was what I ultimately valued for myself. And I am now married to a stable, family-loving, Eagle Scout. I spent years pining for the hard drinking womanizer thinking the “get” was the fun. Now I’m happy with even keel.