filed in Sex and Dating
Is There a Substitute for Sex?
I winced after hearing complaints from a few readers that there isn’t enough sex on this site. They’ve wondered why I created a category for the subject (coupled with dating) and there are barely any posts.
Welcome to my life.
I’m going to assume the premise that sex isn’t everything. (Call it a defensive posture if you must.) But here’s the rub: Having deconstructed the realms where I yearn for a spouse (see Husband Benefits Pie Chart) and then, with a good faith effort, tried to find adequate replacements, the one area for which I can pinpoint no substitute is sex.
Yes, there is always food, like chocolate mousse, chicken pot pie, and Marcella Hazan‘s Spaghetti Bolognese, all of which come close. And just today, as a friend worked on a crick in my upper back with his extremely strong hands, I wondered, could this be as good as sex? On a similar note, last week, during an unusually quiet day at the nail salon, the manicurist, who happens to have exceptional massage skills, kneaded my feet for ten minutes and I asked myself the same question.
A few Sundays back, I was feeling bold, and decided to introduce myself in person to an attractive man I knew only from Facebook. Wearing a tight coral t-shirt and pale lip gloss, I parked across the street from the bistro he owns. As I was about to enter his restaurant, I made a pivot, and ducked into a boutique a few buildings down, resolved to buy something, anything, so I could have a shopping bag on my arm, and casually say, upon meeting him, “Oh, I was just in the neighborhood.” I purchased a cute pair of James Perse shorts within minutes, which turned out to be the true and enduring highlight of the day. (The attractive man had no interest in me.) All of which served to remind me that there is no substitute for the buoyancy of a new outfit.
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And certainly no substitute for being escorted out of said buoyant new outfit by the attractive leading man.
I think I need to go shopping…
Not only sex but physical intimacy is my only obstacle to singleness. I haven’t figured it out yet. Meeting men in a romantic context is so complicated and time consuming and honestly, not what I want to be doing right now. But I am also no social butterfly these days and I am pretty picky as to the men I’ll sleep with.
So I’ve just accepted my abstinant life. For now. Sometimes its harder than others. I am a pretty sexual person. I do spend quite a bit every year at good vibrations.
But honestly, self sex isn’t the same. Its about connection . . .
I used to struggle with this a lot more than I do now. Orgasms are easy, but there’s something special about being held in someone’s arms as you fall asleep, isn’t there? But, you know, for every advantage that relationships provide, there’s also a distinct disadvantage. For instance, after about 30 minutes of sleeping in someone’s arms, I usually get sore and uncomfortable! Then there’s the snoring, the stollen covers, the annoyance of keeping myself properly shaved and pruned year-round. Now I ask myself if 30 minutes of cuddling is worth all that. And, if I’m honest with myself, the answer is no.
I’m a 76 year old man, married thirty-five years to the woman of my dreams, who may not live out the year. I probably will follow her once I get the legacy stuff worked out.
Even if not, I don’t have much to live for that I’ve not already had. Even were I to connect sexually (and we’ve been VERY sexual, both of us experienced and very good lovers, so it’s expecting a lot), the case for sticking around, for older men, is virtually non-existent.
You think MEN are ageist? Consider the C-PAP, the ear hair, erectile issues, temperature… To say nothing of two people adapting to each other’s eccentricities. Ain’t likely. In fact, it’s an illusion.
I submit the conditions Singletude mentions are fake. My mate and I have long since adapted to not sleeping all night in each other’s sweaty arms, we have our own pillows and covers, and pruned pussies are SO 20’s…If you are bothered by sweat, you are living in a very pure hygienic world. To say nothing of kink.
At least older women have the luxury of being considered “cougars,” and many young guys are hot for casual sex, which can even become more than casual. The male equivalent is “dirty old men,” and NOBODY’S hot for that.
I’m not kidding myself. There’s no way I would ever be the guy you are looking for. Let’s at least be honest. Horny mature men outnumber women-seeking-older-men 30-1.
Hopefully all this is hypothetical, but I’ve lived and loved well, and I’m not going to stick around waiting for the rare exception. It’s the culture, accept it or check out.