filed in Sex and Dating
Latest Puzzle of Online Dating
I’m trying to remain a good sport, but this tugs at my patience. On Saturday, I got two flirty emails from a cute guy who I actually found intriguing. We share common areas of interest – politically, culturally, gastronomically – and even though his neighborhood is slightly beyond my geographic comfort zone, I was definitely game to meet him for coffee. This rarely happens. I responded the next morning with a short, but sweet reply. That was 36 hours ago. Yes, he could still get back to me. But the rhythm of these things is if someone is interested, they respond right away. Here’s my confusion. Why did he start the conversation in the first place?
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That’s right up there with the one that actually managed to set up a face-to-face meeting with me, exchange emails with me over the course of the next few days, a few in which he said, “I can’t wait to see you again”, and then he disappears without a trace or an explanation. Players. Yuck.
I know this wasn’t as big a snub as you’re describing Stacey, but it’s still annoying. And this guy gave me his first and last name. Seems a tad reckless.
It could be anything including he’s just an ass. Try not to waste time guessing, it just clogs your brain. I know its hard. But I guarantee it has nothing of substance to do with you. Take care of yourself. Maybe a martini and good movie. You are much too special to give this behavior your time.
I don’t take it personally because he doesn’t know me. But I do find online dating lends itself to trolling, more than the offline variety. That’s one of its most frustrating aspects.
With on line hook ups you just cannot have expectations. After you’ve actually met and clicked then maybe you can allow yourself to get excited about someone who interests you, but with just the words, there are too many possibilities to let yourself be hopeful. The other problem with on line meetings is that there seems to be an infinite number of possibilities out there so focus and narrowing down can be a real task. Or just toss that person out because someone else has caught your attention. It’s not easy, even though it seems like it should be. Relationships are all about connection and timing. I do believe there are a lot of men out there trolling for attention with no intention of following through. It’s a form of conquest with no real intention of putting yourself out there. Virtual relationships are not what we want, but it’s safe and easy.
Speaking from the Y-chromosome half of the gender spectrum, I have no bloody idea why he would do that. Your other commenters have it right, methinks: Don’t waste time thinking about it, the infinite possibilities of the internet make it easy for someone to peek around one’s personal curtain and then jump right back for who-knows-what reason(s). I also figure that, with, if one is 50+, he/she has 18,250+ days in the rear view mirror and who the heck knows what those days were filled with that might lead to such behavior.
I just re-started with online dating over the weekend for the first time in 3 years or so. I can see some odd patterns happening, even in that brief time span. A good connection and then a disappearance (or is it a hiatus?). Back and forth prompt emailing, I ask to elevate to (gulp) phone connection and then, nada (so far). Yesterday I was obsessing over it all–today I say, in my best ironic teen voice, ‘WHAT-EVER!”. Feel free to do the same ::
You’re right Lew. Whatever and “next!”
Even a little tiiny rejection is annoying.
It’s not so much the rejection. It’s the lack of etiquette.
mixed signals = mixed feelings? Not a good excuse for rudeness, standing up a woman or man, or ‘lack of etiquette.’ But at least he/she shows confusion early. That’s better than later, right?
Yes. Ambivalence is much better known early on.
I do that sometimes to guys, too, and feel terrible about it.
For me, I really can only handle dating one person at a time. And online dating messes with that. You get three emails. You pick one. You wait. You pick another, and that might go a little farther… and down the line. If you are strict with your “one at a time” rule, it makes it hard some times to juggle things.
Maybe he didn’t want to get into two things at once – but you still need to shotgun email women because only 5% will respond at all!
or, he’s just messing.
It’s impossible to know, but I agree with Tidewater, that there were probably other leads he was following that were more compelling.
I think that is one of the challenges of online dating, for both ‘us’ and ‘them’ — there are always other leads that are more compelling. The pool is just so large.
And yet, so small (depending on your age).
It’s hard for me to believe that the “quality pool” is really that large.
I recently had a very nice guy disappear with no explanation after 3 DATES–good dates,too! I don’t know how to respond to that. I sit down to write an email..but what to write? Anything could have happened, or he just decided I wasn’t his type.
I feel like accepting any opportunity to date just to get past this. But that doesn’t feel right.
That’s so maddening, Mary, after 3 good dates. You could write him, but only if you really want to know the answer. As far as accepting “any” opportunity to date, I can only say, that wouldn’t work for me. I’d prefer an evening out with close friends and a good martini.
At some point you just have to say ” it’s a failure to communicate” and what hope for a good relationship is there in that.
It’s sad that today people do tend to lack courtesy, but the guy might have changed his mind for any of a number of reasons and feel that just disappearing would be less painful than you opening a response and being disappointed.