filed in Daily Life
True Reflection
One of the first strategies of being happy and single is to stand firm in your truth that it’s possible. This is no easy feat. We’ve been inundated with searing images and language from the bible onward – even the Supreme Court has weighed in – and their message is clear, that marriage is the fundamental building block of adult life. I soundly reject that. It has taken me years of enormous soul searching to resist that reflection. But it’s worth it. I promise.
Illustration by Geoff McFetridge
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We had our federal election last night. In the long (by Canadian standards) campaign prior, I heard several people say that they were tired of hearing politicians cater to families with promises of cuts perks that benefit people with children. There are a growing number of us who don’t identify with the norm, and it’s frustrating to not be recognized.
Although the overall number of rumblings from our demographic seemed small, it was the most I’d heard our collective voice. I’m hoping we will be heard.
How can something with a near-50% failure rate be considered a fundamental building block? That’s more of a crapshoot.
The reflection is worth it, and each day I’m grateful for my decisions.
I love your confidence, Kathy.
I get so irritated by the incessant “families” pandering from political campaigns. I work, pays taxes, and cost 4WE4 society relatively little and I’d like some appreciation! I say this laughing at myself because most people I know with kids, or even just spouses, I would not trade places with 🙂
Politicians take notice, single women are a HUGE voting block.
It’s not hard for me to stand in my truth, but it is hard to do so without getting angry at other people’s stupid remarks sometimes. I just tell myself that every pioneer in history had to flirt with living outside of society’s norms. If they cared what others thought, we wouldn’t get to benefit from their contributions. We are not just on the fringe…anyone who has to redefine life outside the norm is a pioneer, an author, rather than someone following the script.
Living our lives with confidence and dignity is the greatest way to educate those who don’t get it. Maybe they never will, but I think it’s worth a try.
I know what you mean Wendy. When the supreme court voted that gays could legally marry…I was happy and sad. It’s a wonderful thing (I’m assuming) when someone wants to marry you and even more wonderful when it’s legal and recognized. But what about the rest of us. If no one wants to marry us…are we less?
I struggle. 🙁
I hear your struggle, I really do. But for starters, I’d like to suggest rephrasing, “no one wants to marry us…”
We’re certainly made to feel that we’re less, aren’t we, Heather? Even more so when no one wants to date us…or even look at us. And why? Why should something that’s completely dependent on dumb luck (it’s not like you go to school for it; or simply say, “I’m going to get a mate and marry them,” and it just becomes so—although some people seem to think it’s that automatic) make one person more privileged than another?
More privileged, and I’d add, more accepted.
here, here!
I guess that for me, it’s a struggle to convince myself that I’m really not ‘less than’ because I am single. Somewhere along the way I’ve picked up the idea that being single is something to be ashamed of, or a sign of failure. Yet, like Len pointed out, it seems pretty arbitrary who marries and who doesn’t.
I’ve seen my threshold for putting up with disrespect for being single getting lower and lower, since I know that I contribute and am helpful to people; and think I should be valued by that criteria and not by whether or not I’m married.
It’s been complicated, though. I’ve pretty much decided to entirely put church behind me, since, in the words of my friend “church communities are such a joke”. I’ve seen them to be places where nuclear families are the paradigm and everyone else the leftovers/pariahs. Not healthy for my self esteem! But I have found some healthier communities elsewhere.
How would you rephrase “no one wants to marry us”, Wendy?
Thanks for mentioning the thing about church. I am right with you there and gave up on that long ago. As a single person I never felt worse, weirder, more alone, than in church.
I once thought of converting to Catholicism (long story!) and of course there are lots of forms to fill out (the Catholic church being a bureaucratic institution) and you had to choose your status, married, divorced, etc. and there was not even the category ‘single’ – !! Like you just don’t exist.
I belong to a synagogue that’s very progressive. Even so, there are many more families than single people. But I’ve spoken to the Rabbi about what it feels like to be single in the congregation, and I believe it’s had impact on her and the way she leads. She’s much more sensitive now to how she frames things.
If you don’t mind me flipping the question back to you – in your perfect universe Meghan, how could you rephrase, “no one wants to marry us.”
I guess I would say something like “marriage never transpired” for (never-married) singles, since most single people could point to a relationship that, had timing or circumstances been different, may have ended in marriage. Or singles are often offered the chance to marry, but they aren’t sufficiently attracted to the other person. I just don’t think it’s true that no one wants to marry single people (although it can seem like that at times), since we have many attractive attributes, as the ‘about’ page to your blog points out.
I agree with you, Robin, that the Catholic Church is full of bureaucrats & red tape, and in order to keep my sanity and remain Catholic I’ve had to distinguish between Catholic Spirituality & the Institution. The former, for me anyway, has a lot to offer–for example I just purchased a book on Ignatian Spiritually that I hope will help me with decision making. The latter, unfortunately…….well yeah. That’s so wonderful that you’ve found a home in your congregation, Wendy. I wish my church offered respite and support; in my own experience, however, I’ve found it’s best to (almost entirely) forage community elsewhere.
First off, I like your reframing of the sentence, and thank you for being a good sport about it. How does the new sentence sound to you?
As far as my synagogue, I am so grateful to have found it. It’s an amazing place, with a dynamic community of people. My Rabbi, Sharon Brous, has become one of the leading Jewish figures in the country since starting our congregation 11 years ago. (She was asked to bless Pres. Obama at the National Cathedral service after his inauguration). Being a part of this vital community has gotten me through some tough times.
wow, Sharon sounds like a very inspiring person!
She really is. In case you’re interested, here’s her bio: http://www.ikar-la.org/about/leadership/ikar-team/
Great post Wendy, and great comment thread all. Most of my singleness days are great, but every once in a while those nagging doubts creep in.
Cheers!
As confident as I am most days, there are still moments when I wonder, why me. That’s part of the tension I find so interesting about being single. The good news is, those moments don’t last.
Yeah. I needed this. Thank you.
Amen
Sadly it took me 20 years (the length of my marriage) to realize that marriage was a major mistake. The (#(# I was married to was a pure narcissist and I am ashamed to confess that I made the biggest mistake by building my world around his instead of creating my own world and my own dreams. NEVER ever define your life through the eyes of another. If I had to do it all over again, I would never have married and I can promise you, I will NEVER make that mistake again. I come first now. For 20 years, I let myself come last. I wonder how many women out there do that in their marriages? Sad…
What a deep learning experience, Paulette.
Today is a bit of a down day as a single. Dealing with lots of immigration issues in a country that’s not my own. Boyfriend (citizen of the country I’m in) left me 2 weeks ago. We were supposed to get married (although now I wonder if he was a narcissist – bullet dodged?) It’s difficult living in a country where the “easiest” way (I say in quotations because I don’t think marriage is easy) to obtain permanent residency is by marriage. I have my own business here, to get my visa, but that will never give me permanent residency. Only marriage or a crazy amount of qualifications under a point system, a point system that I will never have enough points for. Globalization does not exist. 🙂
What country are you in?
South Korea. We had an exchange once on your comments section, a while back, about a famous Korean director that you knew.
Ah yes, I remember now. Your experience sounds challenging but fascinating. Are you committed to staying in South Korea?
Not committed, but my network is here now. It would be difficult to start all over again somewhere else.
Keep us posted, Dalma, on how things are going.
Hi Wendy,
I was reading through the archives today and couldn’t help but chime in for this post. You know what my biggest challenge is about remaining unmarried is – it is the fact that I have no one to share, and no one to reassure me that its okay to have such moments ; when such thoughts of reflection course through my mind. Whenever I do share, I feel all the more miserable (since I am sharing it with people who are not in such a situation and will never understand).So its a relief that I found this blog. I have felt terribly lonely sometimes and in those moments I feel like ” how did I end up like this?, Why couldn’t I be like others( in terms of getting married I mean)?” But then life goes on.
Each time you share your story, Kavitha, I want to reach through the screen and give you a big reassuring hug. I understand your pain, because I have felt it. And I’m sure others on FPS have too. Tell me, how is the writing going? Have you been able to find a class?
Thank you so much Wendy. It is so comforting to hear from you and share my experiences with you and others at FPS.
Wrt writing- I haven’t been able to find a suitable class yet, so instead I bought this book called Writing Tools by Roy Peter Clark. I am still in the introductory pages but I am looking forward to it. It also has lots of DIY assignments at the end of each chapter.
Kavitha, check out this book, “Writing Down the Bones.” http://amzn.to/291HMqw