First Person Singular by Wendy Braitman

Is Sex Better When You’re Single?

When I get trapped at a party with a married person who wants to know why I’m still single, I have the perfect comeback line. “At least I have the hope of new sex.” Suddenly the conversation gets real quiet. It works every time. Yes, I’m up for adventure, but sometimes a little continuity would be nice. My biggest beef with sex and the single girl is not quantity, but quality. And quality usually requires intimacy. (Except for that one time….)

Why Women Have Sex is the title of a new book by Cindy M. Meston and David M. Buss, two pschology professors from the University of Texas at Austin, who interviewed 1006 women and identified 237 different reasons why we engage in sexual activity (e.g. sexual attraction, physical pleasure, expression of love). Do we really need a book to know this? Who, exactly, is the target audience? When the authors were asked in an interview about the next frontier in sexual research, David Buss replied, “the female sexual orgasm.” Now there’s a manual that would come in handy.

CONTEST: Surviving the Holidays When You’re Single

HERE’S YOUR CHANCE TO WIN SOMETHING! (and the odds are pretty good)

Christmas muzak is starting to bug me, so I know the holidays are upon us. What’s the best way to glide through the holiday season when you’re SINGLE? You tell me.

Share your tip with us, and the best piece of advice will win a prize: Judith Jones beautiful and useful cookbook, The Pleasures of Cooking for One. As a book editor at Alfred A. Knopf for over 50 years, Jones has introduced Americans to some of the world’s great cooks. If I didn’t already own this cookbook, I’d enter the contest.

Comments must be received by December 18, 2009, and include your full name and email address. And since we still believe in hard copies of books, if you win, we’ll need a U.S. shipping address.

UPDATE: Check out the winning comments!

Fitting In

I just got back from a weekend with family, for a gathering to celebrate a new baby. Ever since I was a kid–way before the prospect of marriage was on the horizon–I’ve felt like I didn’t belong in my extended tribe. Everyone is gracious, and they no longer ask about whom I’m dating, and whether it’s going anywhere. And I try NOT to imagine the thought bubble above their heads. At most of the dinners throughout the weekend, I was the only single adult (there were more than 25 of us) with the exception of an older widow and a sprinkling of young children.

So it was a relief to be on the plane ride home, where I didn’t stand out as an anomaly, and I could cocoon in peace with the Sunday Times. The first section I reached for is the magazine, until I saw the cover story, staring back at me: Married Happily (With Issues), about a couple “trying to make their good marriage better.” Well, that’s one article I don’t have to read. I shoved it into the seat pocket in front of me, turned on some music and took a nap.

(Image: Girl in a Box, by Japanese pop artist, Yoshimoto Nara, 2001)

Is There a Link Between Dating and Exercise?

In a few days, I’m scheduled for a coffee date with a guy from Match. But you never know. Online daters have horrible etiquette, and saying and doing can be worlds apart. In any case, I’m prepping. My body is in pretty good shape. Yet, just the thought that a new man might eventually see me naked, adds some AB crunches to my workout. Perhaps an even bigger motivator is the desire to look good in a slinky dress.

Have you ever “exercise-crammed” for a date?

(The ultimate slinky dress is from Katie Gallagher)

Date update: POSTPONED

Will the Real Cat Lady Please Stand Up

On December 8, the Canadian documentary Cat Ladies will air on WeTV. The film is a portrait of four women who, for better or for worse, each live with A LOT of cats. Are these women crazy? Are they just lonely? Do they fit the spinster stereotype? I have a certain sensitivity to the subject as a single woman who is madly in love with her pets. I wanted to understand the motivation behind the film, and posed nine questions to the filmmaking team from Cat Ladies.     Continue reading »

What If Marriage Makes You Lonelier?

Vanishing Point
by Freya Manfred

The moment arrives when you say,
“I don’t dislike this man,
but how did I marry him?”
Something about his wintry voice,
the way he can’t or won’t show his face,
and how small and alone you feel
out here on earth’s curve,
driving day and night,
never reaching a destination,
until you realize you’re running parallel to him,
and you’ll never meet.

from Swimming with a Hundred Year Old Snapping Turtle. © Red Dragonfly Press, 2008.

(Image: Vertigo, Magic Staircase by Belgian artist, Leon Spilliaert, 1908)

How Not To Be Anxious for the Holidays, Part 2

It’s high time to get squirrelly about the season. I’ve already begun my annual “I hate New Year’s Eve” rant. A few years ago, I experimented with spending December 31 alone. (I’d inched towards it a year earlier, by meeting friends at the movies and getting home well before midnight). By 2007, I was ready for the challenge of a completely solo New Year’s Eve. I prepared a lovely 3-course dinner, put a screener of The Great Debaters into the DVD player, and settled into a comfy evening in sweatpants. “This isn’t half bad,” I thought. Before taking the first sip of my martini, I had an odd sensation of liquid on my head. I looked up, and to my horror, saw water dripping from the ceiling. “This can’t be happening,” I cried out into an empty room. Yet there was no time for pity. I quickly moved my uneaten meal out of harms way, put a bucket in its place, and called a handyman, who miraculously came to the rescue and fixed the leaky toilet upstairs. If there’s a bright side to this story, it’s that I was lucky to be in place at the right moment, rather than coming home later to serious water damage. I heated dinner and rebooted the evening.

Holiday tip: Don’t get ambushed by the season. Plan ahead (and check your plumbing.)

(Photo: Henri Cartier-Bresson, Paris, 1968)

Shopping Tale from Cyber Monday

On Black Friday, against my better judgment, I went shopping. On the hunt for a marked down “puffer” jacket, I roamed through crowded stores ranging from The Gap to Neiman Marcus. I need the jacket (really, I do!) for a trip to Memphis this weekend, and though it may seem over the top to bundle up for Tennessee, I’m an L.A. weather wimp, with no real outerwear to call my own.

No one dragged me shopping, and I love a bargain as much as the next woman, but I lack the patience to comb through racks of unsorted merchandise for a gem in the rough.  (I’m not a flea market shopper either.) I prefer experts to do the curating for me, so that everything I look at is beautiful and easy to find. I often sit out sales, and live in regret when I hear about the amazing discounts I’ve missed. Which is probably why I hate online dating. Spending hours squinting at thumbnail photos of men I have no desire to go out with, in the hopes of finding that one decent guy (that fits), really depresses me.

On the bright side, it’s Cyber Monday and I counterintuitively darted to the mall, and found the cutest black puffer at H&M. This one fits like a dream, for only $49.95.

(Photo by Trent Parke, 2006, Magnum Photos.)

When Holidays Work

1. A close friend with whom I have no friction is here for a 5-day visit.
2.  This close friend is a floral designer (and straight!) and schlepped 3 dozen flowers on the plane with him to decorate the Thanksgiving table.
3.  It’s 75 degrees and sunny in Los Angeles, but chilly enough in the evening to feel like autumn.
4. Everyone in my immediate circle is in relative good health.
5.  Earlier this week, I got a holiday bargain, enabling me to completely side step Black Friday and still feel satisfied.
6.  Food shopping, DONE. Kabocha squash and fennel soup, DONE. What’s left is cooking the fun stuff.
7.  I’m feeling relaxed enough about my to-do’s that I’m heading to the movies.
8. The ballet studio I go to is open on Thanksgiving. More exercise, more food.
9.  No recent dating mishaps to angst over. Haven’t been on Match.com for a week.

(Photo: Elliott Erwitt, Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade Balloon, 1986. Magnum Photos.)

Sanctity of Food

I’m still obsessing about food, having just returned from my fourth trip to the market. Today, everyone was getting into the spirit of the season, as they picked out the choicest produce and meats, and generally upped their culinary game. I like being part of a moment where the collective thrust is nourishment.

Thanksgiving is the gateway holiday, and the best one. There are no gifts, religious observances, or any obligatory midnight kiss. The biggest question I’m grappling with is whether I’ll be trampling on too many traditions by NOT serving a whole turkey and mashed potatoes. My strategy is to start guests off with jumbo-sized Manhattans, and after that, everything will seem rosy, with or without the drumstick.