Sorry about this tired headline. The question infuriates me, but my fury needed your company. I’m posting it now because I was asked by HuffPost Live to participate in a segment with Tracy McMillan, who has written the book, “Why You’re Not Married, Yet.” The timing for me to be on the show didn’t work out, and that’s a pity. I would’ve enjoyed offering a modern perspective on what it’s like to be single as opposed to a retread of stereotypes that have long been part of the culture. I understand why Tracy’s book is popular. We humans are vulnerable and would love a quick fix. But there’s nothing broken here. That’s the point.
Photograph by Andrew B Myers
They way I look at it…
Perhaps being single is a choice. Perhaps I could be successfully married and have decided it just isn’t the best option. Alternatively, perhaps it isn’t a choice. Perhaps something in my personality and early development has oriented me against marriage. Perhaps a successful marriage is beyond me.
I’m not sure and I don’t think it’s really important. What I believe is most important is that it’s a valid lifestyle, chosen or not.
I agree, Alan. It’s valid and satisfying, just like married life can be. It all depends on what you do with it.
For some it’s a conscious choice – they know they never want to be married – and for others it’s a matter of circumstance – they’d like to be married but never found the right person. Let’s face it, marriage is the same way – for some people it was a conscious choice and for others they were forced into it by family, societal pressure, lack of the ability to envision another lifestyle, etc. But, as Alan stated, the reason for being single isn’t important. What is important is that everyone is treated equitably regardless of marital status and that being single is viewed as within the norm. If something is normal then it needs no fix.
Today is Dorothy Parker’s birthday and read this quote from her, which I really like. It’s not about marriage, but it easily could be. “Heterosexuality is not normal, it’s just common.”
I guess it is a choice since I have stopped ‘looking’ I mean I socialize and what happens happens but I am not looking for it . Just looking to make friendships. So in a sense it is not a choice if one socializes and the opportunity never presents itself..
I get riled when someone tries to explain why people are single (as Tracy McMillan does). As if there’s something that needs to be fixed.
I hate it too. And I hate it when I’m out and about and someone asks, “So, why are you still single?”
Does there have to be a reason?
My new favorite quote is from Petra: “I’m single because… I’m not married.”
It’s definitely a choice given that I chose to not be miserably married just to say I was married. My life just worked out that the times when I was ready to be married and wanted to be married to the person I was with he didn’t want to be married and then there were times, at least two come to mind right now, when the situation was reversed. Everything happens just the way it’s supposed to happen and I’m all will be revealed at some point.
My therapist friend says, life’s a mystery. We don’t always know the reasons for lots of things.
One night about 12 years or so ago I was driving on my way to yet another of an endless series of social events with the purpose of mingling and “trying to meet someone” when it suddenly dawned on me that I really did not want to attend this social event and that I was weary of the game. I turned my car around and drove back home, got out of my dress-to-impress clothes, put on a tee shirt and sweats, ordered a pizza, and commenced to have a delicious time quietly reading a book and listening to Glenn Gould. I look back on that evening as the moment when I decided I was ready to stop trying. It was not an act of despair and hopelessness. It was a recognition that I was tired of the game, simply had no interest in playing it anymore, and preferred to spend the brief allotment of heartbeats I was given doing things I was into instead of going out just to go out. Since then I have shifted into a more organic approach to meeting people where I try to be my own quirky self and sing my own quirky song, let whatever happens happen, and be content with all that does not happen. I find it a very pleasant way to live. I don’t believe that old saw that says, “he/she will come once you stop trying.” I have been not trying for 12 years, and she has not come yet. It will not surprise me if “she” never comes, and I am fine with that. Life as it is is beyond wonderful. But if she does come, it won’t be because I have been practicing the right pick up line or scouring GQ to see what I am supposed to be wearing or because I am trying to affect some kind of alpha male posturing the books and movies say women want. Instead, I try to sweep away all that clutter so it no longer blocks the quirky little light that is the genuine me from shining. So if she comes, it will be because she is drawn to the real me and I to the real her. And, really, isn’t that what we all would long for in a relationship that was worth having?
I’m curious to know, RS: What are your “dress-to-impress” clothes?
Oh, you know. Just trying to dress natty. I think I was trying a bit too hard when I was younger, but then that is what the time of being young is for. I actually still really enjoy dressing up, but I tend to reserve it now for special occasions. It *is* fun to dress up for a night at the theater where I enjoy watching the show the patrons are putting on almost as much as the show on the stage, and it is fun to play my own little part as an extra among the patrons. It is fun to watch and be watched and be part of the special night out together.
Dressing up in L.A. is breaking out the expensive jeans and t-shirt.
Little black dresses are reserved for. . . .flirtatious funerals?
This is a town where everyone spends most of their time wearing exercise clothes. Little black dresses are good for movie premieres.
As with most things human, I doubt this question has a simple answer. It seems to me that, especially in the most important aspects of our lives such as whom (if anybody) we marry, what careers we end up in, whether we have children, etc. that the degree to which we consciously choose our paths versus our paths choosing us is a hazy distinction at best. There is probably both going on for most of us and it is difficult to ferret out exactly what the breakdown is. My own working hypothesis is that in general, and certainly with some exceptions, we tend to get the kind of life we seek. But it may take us awhile to realize what we really want and what we are really seeking. Looking back on my own life, I suspect the main reason I have remained single is that at the end of the day I just did not want to be married that badly. I *thought* I wanted that when I was younger, but I suspect now I really did not.
One night about 12 years or so ago I was driving on my way to yet another of an endless series of social events with the purpose of mingling and “trying to meet someone” when it suddenly dawned on me that I really did not want to attend this social event and that I was weary of the game. I turned my car around and drove back home, got out of my dress-to-impress clothes, put on a tee shirt and sweats, ordered a pizza, and commenced to have a delicious time quietly reading a book and listening to Glenn Gould. I look back on that evening as the moment when I decided I was ready to stop trying. It was not an act of despair and hopelessness. It was a recognition that I was tired of the game, simply had no interest in playing it anymore, and preferred to spend the brief allotment of heartbeats I was given doing things I was into instead of going out just to go out. Since then I have shifted into a more organic approach to meeting people where I try to be my own quirky self and sing my own quirky song, let whatever happens happen, and be content with all that does not happen. I find it a very pleasant way to live. I don’t believe that old saw that says, “he/she will come once you stop trying.” I have been not trying for 12 years, and she has not come yet. It will not surprise me if “she” never comes, and I am fine with that. Life as it is is beyond wonderful. But if she does come, it won’t be because I have been practicing the right pick up line or scouring GQ to see what I am supposed to be wearing or because I am trying to affect some kind of alpha male posturing the books and movies say women want. Instead, I try to sweep away all that clutter so it no longer blocks the quirky little light that is the genuine me from shining. So if she comes, it will be because she is drawn to the real me and I to the real her. And, really, isn’t that what we all would long for in a relationship that was worth having?
It’s the reductionist part of this issue that probably drives me the most crazy. You are single, because… But nuance doesn’t sell books.
I just read Tracy’s article on HuffPost (but have not read her book). Do you think her article was presuming that everybody wants to or should be married (and thus something is “wrong” if they are single) or is it primarily directed towards single people (and women in particular) who are *frustrated* at being single? I had more the impression it was latter. Her “reasons you are still single” are, of course, on the breezy side – generalizations that will miss the mark in many instances, designed for a quick entertaining read rather than an in-depth, serious analysis. I generally approve of the approach she suggests of starting with one’s own self in trying to understand why our life is not what we think it is “supposed to be.” But, of course, complex questions do not have simple answers, and the question of why many people have difficulty establishing happy marriages is an extremely complex question. You might as well ask why so many people have difficulty making happy lives – no six bullet point answer is going to even scratch the surface. There are probably as many answers as there are people. I totally agree with you that reductionist, bullet point “solutions” to “problems” have little use beyond entertainment value.
Tracy McMillan seems smart and personable. But what frustrates me about her viewpoint is that it’s an old idea, recycled and it preys on women’s vulnerabilities about marriage. Fix yourself and you’ll find a mate. And it just feeds dated stereotypes. Life is complex, filled with disappointments and triumphs. It’s how we sustain ourselves through it all, no matter what our marital status, that for me is the most important.
I’m single because…I’m not married. Alan said it best–it’s not really important. I’ve been “single” more than I’ve been “coupled” in my adult life (by a pretty wide margin). Fortunately, I’ve never felt any pressures from my family to get married (I think I’m militantly single–I remember decisively stating that I was never getting married back when I was about 10 years old). Why singles are seen as lower caste is beyond me (I mean that I understand it intellectually–religious norms, blah, blah, blah–but I don’t get why thinking human beings care). A few years ago, I was dating someone and my mother must’ve mentioned it to her (irritating) neighbor. When I went home for the holiday visit, I saw this woman, who said “Oh, your mom must be happy that you have a boyfriend”. I just glared at her and replied “my mom is happy that I got a Ph.D. and a good job.”
Full disclosure–I am currently seeing someone in one of the more single-ish couplings** (actually, the same man noted in the previous paragraph, though we spent many years in between as friends, not romantic partners–this is a second go-round). If I hear from a friend I haven’t been in touch with for ages, what’s the first question? Are you seeing someone? Yes. Any wedding bells on the horizon? NO. I have to wonder why that is always the most important question? Why isn’t it something like “are you renting or buying”? Or “have you eaten anything wonderful lately?”
I’ve not read the HuffPo article or McMillan’s book (and I likely won’t). But I’m sure it just perpetuates stereotypes that (thankfully) are starting to break down (however slowly).
**I’ve actually been a little afraid to admit this, lest I lose my single cred. I truly identify as a single woman and feel very much the injustices suffered by those who aren’t coupled. In fact, my boyfriend (hate that term) and I have very separate lives–separate homes (with no desire to combine them), separate friends (we may meet each other’s friends)etc.
One more thing (okay, wendy, I’m on a roll and I suppose this is tangentially related)–any wedding fantasies I may have begin with and end with the food I’d serve at the reception!
I’m going to quote you Petra. “I’m single because…I’m not married.” Love it! I have a few friends who got married for the first time in their late 40’s and they still identify in some ways as single women.
Of course it’s not always a choice. Some people choose it (I think I’ve fallen into that group since I stopped caring), others ABSOLUTELY do not. I have an AWESOME friend. He may not be the most attractive person in the world, but he’s far from unfortunate-looking, and, well, he’s awesome…smart, nice, personable, able to sustain an interesting conversation, financially stable, and happy in his life, except being single. Yet, it just hasn’t happened for him, despite copious amounts of effort. Outside of maybe a go-round with braces (if he’d like to, his teeth aren’t terrible but they’re not perfect), I can’t think of anything that he needs to fix. In fact, I’d be upset if he changed himself…himself is pretty boss. On the flip side I have an acquaintance who I find to be a blowhard, and he’s HIDEOUS looking. Happily married for 10 years. ‘Splain that, know-it-alls?
But I echo the others…who CARES if someone makes a choice to be single? How does that choice impact YOU? The world is not running out of people, so there’s no pressure to make more. Single people often have large support networks of family and friends, so they’re not always or even frequently moochers (plus, being married doesn’t guarantee a support system, as dysfunctional families and people who lose a spouse amply demonstrate). Many of the single people I know are highly financially stable, and with the disposable income and time that often comes from not having a family to support, are often very generous people. Another single friend of mine runs one of the largest local charities in DC…I doubt he’d have time for that if he had a family. I volunteer and donate more than I could if I were supporting a family. I could probably donate more if I had a financially stable spouse to share household expenses with, but I’d have less time, and kids would wipe out any additional money I did have and more.
This attitude comes from the impression of single women as socially deficient. What’s interesting about this is that there is less pressure and judgement on single men who choose to be “playboys” or “confirmed bachelors.” Compare those terms to “spinster.” It’s the slut-shaming of relationship status. But when you consider that there are just more women than men in most of the world (due to that extra X, women are less likely to be afflicted with genetic defects that off them before they hit puberty), and now there are more educated women than men, the playing field is far from perfect and not everyone will find “the one.”
In closing, I know there’s nothing really wrong with me. I can go to a city I’ve never been to before and make friends within hours. While I sometimes choose to come home and relax, if I wanted to, I could have a social engagement of some sort every night of the week. I have friends who will go out of their way to help me out, and I occasionally get the mushy-but-heartwarming confirmation that I am also a good friend to them. Sure, I have flaws…WE ALL DO…but I’m mostly doing well at being a good (and awesome) person. That’s enough for me. Okay, fine, I’ll work on the road rage. 🙂
“…who CARES if someone makes a choice to be single? How does that choice impact YOU?”
I really wish more people would ask themselves this. I think I will use this as a reply, the next time someone questions me about my being single.
If you use that line, please let us know how it goes.
Slut shaming of relationship status. So good.
I completely agree with you Wendy about being tired of the retread of stereotypes. I haven’t read any of Tracy McMillan’s books but there is a quote from a summary of her first book called “I Love you and I’m leaving you anyway: a memoir” that says “This is her comic, tragic, and ultimately victorious story, the riveting true tale of how having a father obsessed with women made her a woman obsessed with men.” I really don’t think being obsessed with anything long term is really good for anyone. She has had three failed marriages where I am sure she learned a lot about herself. I mentioned the marriages not to shame or she doesn’t know anything about “keeping” someone. I say it because maybe she just needs to enjoy her single life which can be rich and fulfilling.
I think we’re all in agreement. It’s absurd to suggest that someone’s marital status is an indicator.
I have a coworker who is extremely uncomfotable with singleness, it seems. She is 41, married, and has two school aged kids. I am 38, single. For years, she has been trying to partner me up (and anyone else single), and regularly asks me why I’m single. She is adamant that there is “someone for everyone,” and has said more than once that she “just doesnt understand” how and why I and others remain single. She speaks as if there is a tidy reason or explanation of “why” I am single, and that if only we could get to the bottom of “it,” we could “fix it.”
Interacting with her used to bug the crap out of me, but I have come to understand that her comments reflect her own fears and insecurities. I think in her mind, singleness = loneliness & possibly worthlessness. She desperately does not want to be those things. So, in order to control her fate, she must make singlessness entirely controlable, or something. Does that make sense?
I know that may sound overly elaborate, but I detect real fear behind her questioning. I think many others may share her attitude. I believe that many people are uncomfortable with the idea of being single as a result of this kind of fear.
As for me, I simply haven’t met anyone I would like to cohabitate with yet – at least, anyone that wanted that with me, too. I accept that life is, in many ways, a crap shoot. Lots of things are simply left up to chance. That freaks me out from time to time too, but really, worrying about it accomplishes nothing. Best to enjoy the present moment as much as you can – single or no!
I can’t count all the times people have said to me some variation of “every pot has its cover.” And it sounds like your coworker has to believe that, otherwise it’s too scary in terms of her own fate. I appreciate that you understand her projections and don’t turn them on yourself.
I completely relate to you Pechke. I too work with someone who thinks everyone should be married. She’s 59 and has been married for more than 30 years. I’m 42 and have been in a relationship for seven years. It irks her to no end that not only do we have no intention of getting married, but we don’t live together.
If something exciting happens to me in my life and I walk over to her and say “hey, guess what?”…she immediately looks at my ring finger. NO JOKE. After every birthday and holiday…she examines my ring finger.
It is INFURIATING. I have told her numerous times that there is nothing wrong with me or my “situation” or my relationship. I’m perfectly fine and happy.
It’s drawn a wedge between us and we hardly speak anymore, but that’s okay…the constant judging was getting old.
By the way, Wendy…I’m LOVING this dialogue!
Your co-worker seems a little tweaked, and I bet about a lot more than just single v. marriage.
Pechke, I think you hit the nail on the head and it goes a step deeper: I think some married people may believe they were sold a bill of goods on the joys of married life. That perhaps, you can live well and not be married.
If you came of age where getting married was either absolutely expected of you or the pinnacle of your existence, how come that woman in the convertible and the ready passport doesn’t look like she’s drinking herself to sleep at night because she’s not married? In fact, she looks like she’s having a good time without a husband. What does it say about me that I desperately wanted to be in a club that people I like and respect don’t want to be in? What do they know that I don’t know?
Fascinating and well thought out comments by all!
I was married twice. The first time, I knew it was a mistake, but giving in to societal pressure, I went ahead and did it anyway. Married at 25 and divorced at 27. The second time, I felt that I made the best decision with the information that I had at the time. Married at 31, I divorced at age 43.
In both cases, I chose to be single rather than stay unhappily married. My loneliest moments living my life paled in comparison to the loneliness that I felt being married. I am 51 now and still single. I have a lot to offer the right person, but realize that I may never meet him. I could sit around and feel bad about it, but life is too precious to waste on fretting over what I don’t have. I choose to find joy and happiness with things that I have been blessed with: Good health, a great job, people who care about me, my little dog, and my own home–which I enjoy decorating according to my own tastes and entertaining in.
Is being single a choice?? The answer is both yes and no. I would love to meet the right person, but I would rather remain happily single than to be unequally yoked.
Been there and done that!
Gina, that’s such a great answer. Your life sounds rich and satisfying.
I meant to say, “My loneliest moments living my life as a single person paled in comparison to the loneliness I felt when I was married. “
I love to quote this line from Anton Chekhov, echoing your sentiment: “If you’re afraid of loneliness, don’t marry.”
I recently spent 2 summer months with my family in the town where I grew up but have not lived in over 20 years. I have visited frequently over the years but have never spent dedicated time there. My mom and siblings never pressured me to marry or failed to understand that I’m single by a combination of choice and circumstance. It was always a cousin or long-time friend who would ask if I’m married yet. Some would go so far as to try to figure me out. This trip, nobody tried to boil me down to one simple detail. That feels like progress. Still, I’m adapting the “I’m not married because I’m single” line. Just in case.
It’s always good to have a retort in your back pocket, just in case.
Being single is a conscious choice, and single people need to quit lying that it isn’t. It isn’t circumstance anymore than being married is. The ONLY people for which single status isn’t a conscious choice are those people who have severe physical and cognitive disabilities. Everybody else has made the deliberate choice to remain single, whether or not your family, friends, and church disapproves. One thing I loathe is the total self-pity of singles who whine about their status. If you really wanted marriage, you’d have done it.
I was curious so I just looked up the interview you reference in this post on Huff Post Live and I couldn’t stand to listen to it for very long (I lasted about two minutes and I skipped around a bit). They desperately needed your voice on that panel! They even said at one point that the advice isn’t about how to stay married or have a good relationship, but rather how to get to the alter. OMG, this is what’s wrong with our society. We have women giving marriage advice who have been married and divorced three/four times. Good grief.
I now realize that listening to these interviews adds nothing to my quality of life.