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Getting to Yes?

girl at beachI winked at 3 more men on Match this week, none of whom got back to me. Apparently for them, I was a no, no and no. I’m determined not to take it personally, which is almost like getting to yes. It’s at the point where it feels like sport. Oh, and I did get a note from someone in a hat, covered in mud and shirtless. That would be a no, no and most definitely no.



18 comments for “Getting to Yes?”

  1. Annie says:

    Love your fortitude and efforts with online dating! I found that winks simply aren’t effective. Think about it – do they make you want to move towards a man who does it to you? By that token, the brief, charming note works far better – hey, you’re a writer and you’ve got this one down! 🙂

    • Beth says:

      Unfortunately I haven’t had much more success with writing a note, so don’t take it personally Wendy! I find I can get a “no response” even when the person knows little about me other than a positive endorsement:


      • wendy says:

        I guess in the same way I do, men look at that thumbnail profile photo and quickly decide whether they’re attracted to you or not. Sigh.

    • wendy says:

      I used to always write notes. But it seems to me that there has been a behavioral shift, having to do with how easy it is to express our opinion with a “like” button on Facebook. I no longer think a note is the right approach, unless I was particularly moved by someone’s profile.

      • Beth says:

        Since I was always the one doing the approach (with men I found attractive at least) and felt like that was still an unusual position for a woman, a wink sometimes felt like a nice compromise.

        I don’t know if you can even assume they are judging you by your thumbnail photo… sometimes I wonder if a lot of the accounts on there are actually “dead” despite showing evidence of people logging in. Hard to say.

  2. Kat says:

    I especially like the ones that are about 50 and older and mark. Want kids someday.
    That makes me laugh every time.
    It does become amusing after awhile.

  3. Tracy says:

    I agree with Annie, I would much prefer a little note than a wink. I don’t really respond to winks. I have made a deal with myself to send a message to one person each week that I find interesting.

  4. Stacey says:

    I’ve sent “winks” to some that have “winked” at me, but I’ve never gotten so much as an email from them after that.

    I used to send a note from time to time, but the response rate was so low that it just didn’t seem worth the effort after awhile.

    I think that, even though there was a sexual revolution and all, most men still like to do the chasing. I seem to have better luck when I let them do that. So, even if they’ve “winked” at me, I won’t send a message until they’ve messaged me. I used to be naive enough to think that if they sent a wink to me first, that they’d respond to a note that I send in response…that theory got shot down in a hurry!

    • wendy says:

      I’ve met a few men who like being chased. And really appreciated that about them.

      • Stacey says:

        Actually, in the non-virtual world, I have been known to take the initiative and ask a man out first with great success, and that includes the one that I almost married many years ago. They’ve all told me that they were really flattered and were glad that I did it.

        But in the virtual world, I’ve seen a completely different result, and most of the time, they seem to think that I’m just looking to jump into bed right away. I think the difference is that, in the real, face-to-face world, we can see and read facial expressions and body language, whereas in the world of online dating, without those visual cues, taking such a step seems to be more likely to be interpretted as sex-hungry desperation.

  5. tidewater says:

    I’m not a Match user, but am still on OKcupid. I’ve been an online dater for years (think craigslist circa 2002!).

    For the new year, I changed my profile and removed all of the “success” – degrees and money and career ambitions – but made it clear I was looking for something serious. I talked about how I liked to laugh. I made my pic way more wholesome.

    It was amazing – some guys who never responded to emails three years ago are now interested. (Mind you, it is sad that all of us are recognizably on the site for 3 years).

    This is only a single data point, but, I’ll throw out into the anecdote pool.

  6. Callie says:

    Long time reader, first time commenter. I had to add something to this thread. After a bunch of emails, two phone calls, and brief texts with a guy from match, guy cancels first date after he finds out I don’t eat meat. He explains he’s looking for a long term partner and someone he can cook with, so because he eats meat and I don’t we “are not a match.” I couldn’t believe it.

    • wendy says:

      Thanks for joining in Callie. It’s amazing how much distance there can be between connecting with someone online and actually getting to a first date. It’s so frustrating. There is not a lot of integrity in the process.

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