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94 Reasons the Man I’m Dating Isn’t Right For Me

ponytail

(I’m trying to get to 100. PLEASE CHIME IN!)

He’s too young
He’s too old
He’s too bulky
He doesn’t have enough hair
He has a ponytail
He doesn’t care about music
He doesn’t have finesse
His car doesn’t have air conditioning
His apartment is filthy
He doesn’t make enough money
He’s too close with his mother
He’s too close with his ex-wife
He’s not in touch with his family
He doesn’t like to talk    
He doesn’t read books
He’s too sedentary
He doesn’t know how to relax
He doesn’t like going to the movies
He isn’t smart enough
He never buys me gifts
He doesn’t have a sense of humor
He’s not cultured
He doesn’t like the city
He hates hot weather
His shoes are a disaster
His clothes are from the eighties (and I don’t mean that in a good way)
He has a moustache
He’s obsessed with sports
He flirts with other women
He doesn’t look at me when we’re talking
He makes love too fast
He snores
He’s not well groomed
He won’t look up from his blackberry
He doesn’t believe in technology
He doesn’t tell me I look good
He’s always late
He drives too fast
He drives too slowly
He hates to fly on an airplane
He has a dog that sheds all over my clothes
He’s too hairy
He has a handgun
He leaves his towel on the floor of my bathroom
He only talks about himself
He has no friends
He’s moody
He forgets my birthday
He doesn’t own a house
He’s cheap
He doesn’t admit when he’s wrong
He doesn’t appreciate good food
He watches too much TV
He’s not big on foreplay
He doesn’t hold my hand
He doesn’t pay his bills on time
He drives through red lights
He’s not social
He’s not nice to my mother
He doesn’t call me enough
He doesn’t say, “I love you”
He doesn’t like going out to eat
He mostly wears sweats
He’s possessive
He doesn’t change the kitty litter often enough (but it’s sweet that he has a cat)
He doesn’t own wine glasses
He doesn’t drink alcohol
He drinks too much
He’s not gracious
He’s a Republican
He’s a conspiracy theorist
He’s not informed
He doesn’t know how to kiss
He uses the word, “fuck” too much
He’s not reliable
He smokes too much pot
He’s too short
He has no sense of irony
He’s a snob
He doesn’t celebrate the holidays
He’s not nice to his children
He has heart disease
He smokes
He doesn’t own a TV
His house is always cold
He doesn’t know his way around
He doesn’t understand the importance of ritual
He’s surly with waiters
He doesn’t initiate enough
He’s kosher
He doesn’t believe in parity
He’s scared a lot of the time
He’s not interested in fresh air
He’s always complaining

Discussion

54 comments for “94 Reasons the Man I’m Dating Isn’t Right For Me”

  1. Sue says:

    38 of them describe my husband. I think you’re onto something.

  2. […] First Person Singular placed an interesting blog post on 94 Reasons the Man Iâ […]

  3. Rachel says:

    I’ll make sure to bookmark this list and refer to it if I ever get into a relationship again!

    I’d add:
    He works out too much.
    He wants sex all the time.
    He’s critical of everything I do.
    He expects me to love his hobbies.
    He’s always right.

  4. I really like this blog site, and I even blithely added to the list when it was published. But I was cycling with a man today, and mentioned the list to him, and he said, The only reason he’d need for a woman he’s dating not to be right for him would be that she makes lists like this.
    I think the list was started in fun, but I’m rethinking how much fun it is. I think my friend is right, that a real difference between men and women is lists like this.
    Reminds me of the joke about how women keep refining their lists of necessary traits, while men just want somebody who likes beer and sex.

  5. wendy says:

    In my dating experience, women AND men make lists. (And how lucky to find someone who doesn’t.) The challenge is to leave your list at the door. “94 Reasons…” makes fun of the writer, because it eliminates any mortal man (no hair, too much hair, too big, too small). And the last item, “he’s always complaining” is the ultimate projection.

  6. Nikki Levy says:

    We went out for a second date and he ate sushi with a fork!

    He talks too much.

    He doesn’t listen.

    He dwells on fancy cars he used to own, big money he used to have.

  7. Matty Sterenchock says:

    [from the gay perspective]
    He describes himself as ‘straight-acting’
    He’s married
    He got “a kick” out of Sarah Palin
    He doesn’t know who the Secretary of State is
    He has Celine Dion in his collection

  8. wendy says:

    Matty,

    Check out this video of James Franco, and you might change your mind about Celine Dion:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v52RJsaoOjk

  9. Matty Sterenchock says:

    If James Franco bought me a Celine Dion CD, I’d listen to it.

  10. Matty Sterenchock says:

    some additions:
    He talks loudly in the theater
    He swears in front of the waitress
    He doesn’t close the door when he uses your bathroom (we’re talking second date here)

  11. Miah says:

    He doesn’t pull up the toilet rim.
    Splatter… splatter… splatter…

    http://www.dondateadog.com/

  12. Jen says:

    A few to add:

    He wears his bluetooth headset when he’s not on the phone.
    He cares more about his looks than I do.
    He’s guileless.

    Let me know if you need more; I could keep going.

  13. Jen says:

    Ok, one more.

    He talks loudly because he wants the table next to us to know how clever he is.

  14. wendy says:

    How about – He doesn’t tip enough

  15. Anne Whitacre says:

    how about:
    he always has another “important” home remodeling project.
    he spends more money on clothes for hobbies than clothes for work.
    he owns more pairs of skis than he owns pairs of shoes.
    he likes dogs, but not yours.
    his hobbies are always more “serious” and “important” than the things you want to do.
    if you want to go home early (say: 11 pm) you’re not “supportive” of his friends. (none of who have jobs)

    … there are probably more.

  16. AKM says:

    He’s an honest-to-goodness sociopath.

  17. P. Kamody says:

    He never touches me.

  18. bunbun says:

    Hmm…how about :

    He only says “excuse me” for his bad manners to other people.

    Spends too much time on the computer

    When you mention how pretty a friend is, he says “God yes, she’s f’in GORGEOUS!”

    Wearing a shirt without holes is considered dressing up.

    Refuses to go out with you and your friends because he would rather stay home, but than complain if you go out without him.

  19. Alt.Kat says:

    How about:

    He gets threatened and bitter when I talk about cultural stuff (books/films/music) he’s not familiar with.

  20. Foreverlady says:

    He interrupts you then when you call him on it says “oh I thought you were finished”
    His idea of foreplay is saying “I’m horny”
    His friends are all losers
    He hasn’t had a full time job in six years
    He cleans his teeth in your car and spits out the remains
    He’s sarcastic – all the time
    He’s grumpy
    He’s a pessimist
    He’s a misogynist
    He can’t go anywhere without a beer in his hand
    He doesn’t take care of himself (dentist, brush teeth, etc.)
    He doesn’t take care of anything (get oil changed in car etc.)
    His car is filthy
    He’s defensive
    He doesn’t want to do what you like to do, but pouts if you don’t do what he likes

    I could go on . . .

  21. NewBeginning says:

    He doesn’t respect my kids

    He is sarcastic about my religion (while pretending to be tolerant of “all forms of spirituality”)

    He is needy

    He has a weird/nonexistent relationship with his kid(s)

    He eats/drinks less than me and always comments on it

    He avoids my family

    He is unable to be “unhooked” to his iPod, iPhone, computer

    He reads parts of whatever article/book he is reading out loud to me, even if I am reading or talking to someone

  22. thought i was getting engaged, got dumped instead says:

    He feels insecure about your accomplishments.
    He is too sensitive.
    He doesn’t love you as much as you love him.
    He doesn’t support your dreams/career/ideas.
    He insists you both behave like a married couple in front of his married friends and like a casual couple in front of his single friends.

  23. Allie says:

    He thinks it is okay (and even cool) to substitute “z” for “s.”

  24. Californio says:

    “He has enough good qualities that I have to make up a list to justify to myself that I should leave someone I think is a loser – but upon reflection that just makes me a loser-lover.”

    “That he makes me realize that until I choose to be an adult and not seek validation from a man I will always find fault with any man I am with.

  25. […] first is called “94 Reasons the Man I am Dating isn’t Right for Me“, while the second is a companion list of “94 Reasons Why the Man I Haven’t Met […]

  26. Obviously you are so picky you’ll never be satisfied. Your genes are going to be selected against and whatever genes make a person so picky will fade out of the human race.

  27. […] by LILGRL Heh.  I was over at Novaseeker’s new wordpress blog, where I was directed to First Person Singular, to a post which basically lists reasons a guy (any guy) might not be the right guy for the author. […]

  28. TIFFANI GALLION says:

    He doesn’t use proper grammar. His words, “I seen this movie last week…” Another one bites the dust. =/

  29. Ms Murphy says:

    He gave me 2 half-eaten cupcakes for my 30th birthday (we’re no longer together by the way)

  30. pjay says:

    He’s constantly working on his fucking lists instead of taking a chance on life ewith me.

  31. Monad says:

    pjay, men don’t waste time working on fucking lists, but if you want him to take a chance with you, take note of an example of a man’s list if he could be bothered to write a list of (fuck knows why I am) why the woman he is dating isn’t right for him:

    She doesnt blow him.
    She doesn’t cook for him
    She doesn’t leave him alone to go out with his buds.
    She….she…she’s as useful as tits on a bull…NEXT!

  32. Wendy says:

    How about:

    He hasn’t paid taxes in five years;
    He doesn’t like my pets, but he has mice in his kitchen;
    He has unopened bills from two years ago on his desk;
    I got food poisoning from the leftovers in his fridge…I could go on…

  33. Danielle says:

    He lives with his parents
    He’s an alcoholic
    He’s a racist
    He doesn’t wear deoderant
    He makes terrible “jokes” to waitstaff about not leaving a tip
    He drives a purple Geo Metro
    He doesn’t understand why I was upset at a Holocaust film because “It’s just a movie.”
    He smokes with the windows closed
    He asks “What songs do The Beatles do?”
    He wears sandals in the snow
    He asks if I ate fries yesterday too
    He can’t get it up
    He goes out with his friends on Valentine’s Day
    He uses the same drinking glass for weeks and doesn’t wash it
    He’s a morning person
    He’s never ready on time unless it involves his friends or family
    He can’t afford to buy me a birthday present, but he just bought an Xbox
    He won’t be my date to weddings
    He throws up in my sink even though the toilet is 6 inches away
    He sleeps with his back to me
    He owns a guitar but doesn’t know how to play it
    He won’t go down on me
    He scarfs down food like an animal and gets upset that I take at least 30 minutes to finish mine
    He rings my doorbell from 2am-6am on New Year’s Day

    There are so many more, but I’d be here all day!

  34. Franco says:

    I’m hoping these are all exes… what incentive do these people have to change if you just put up with it? Do they have ANY good qualities?

  35. Danielle says:

    In my case Franco, these are all exes. And I don’t put up with it, therefore I am single.

  36. John Cooper says:

    He’s too close with his ex-wife !!!

  37. Andrea says:

    He expects you to pay for everything
    He doesn’t speak to his mother and won’t explain why
    He is always picking something on his arms
    He boasts about being a slacker
    He will only vacation to the same place every year
    He is only affectionate when he’s drunk
    He eats so fast and then burps all night
    He doesn’t ‘get’ movies that are not obvious
    He does stupid things in the gym and then wonders why he can’t move his back
    He hates dogs
    He uses a plastic grocery bag for garbage that sits on the floor
    He never introduces you to people you meet up with unexpectedly

  38. Megan says:

    He owns a small dog who wears a “manly” argyle sweater.

  39. Shellfish says:

    How about these—

    He doesn’t know how to talk to you when you’re upset (as in, sits there silently to “analyze” the situation)

    He sucks up all your happiness and energy and then wonders why you are tired all the time.

    He is a total mama’s boy who always thinks that everything is going to be fine.

    Gives a bullshit excuse for why a title isn’t important because he always ends up in long term relationships regardless of a title, even though he fucks with your head and tells you that he one minute can’t be your boyfriend, then suddenly doesn’t want to be sexual anymore.

    Has waaaay too many insecurities.

    Is not on the same life path.

    Ya know, what is with this? For all the bad things, we still want them in our lives. It’s so childish on our part. There are really good men out there, but the assholes who seem like weaken little boys make us want to go back and tell them everything is okay, WHEN IT CLEARLY IS NOT. I feel chained to this person. It’s a load of crap.

  40. Lucy Ninja says:

    He doesn’t go down on me
    He doesn’t introduce me to anyone while we’re out, and when I introduce myself he uses the excuse that he’s rude.
    He doesn’t pay child support
    He’s an alcoholic
    He smokes to much pot
    He can’t get it up
    He grabs other girls asses
    Doesn’t buy me gifts (when I do ALL THE TIME)
    He’s physically abusive when he drinks
    He’s a bartender
    He over tips to look like a big shot
    He turns off my alarms so I over sleep
    He disrespects me in public
    He didn’t do laundry for 2 months when we started dating until I did it.
    He didn’t own a fridge or a microwave
    He sucks! That’s why he’s gone!

  41. Mark Aulkt says:

    I’m sympathetic to many items in your list. But being in a relationship is a blending of people and staying in a relationship is roughing off the edges of that other person. If you perfect yourself, it is hard to meet an exact match of someone else. And even if you do line up all the traits, then where is the emotion or the romance of getting together? I really didn’t have any problem with your list till you got to “He’s a Republican.” Well, I usually vote Republican for various reasons but I don’t equate that with not being able to accept someone of a different political viewpoint. If Mary Matalin and James Carville can do it then so can others! You just don’t talk about politics! All republicans are not fanatics nor are they evil. They can make good husbands and caring lovers too. You would not be sleeping with the enemy. It would just be like being with someone that you have some different views on life – but you can share so much else. I’m sure there will be those out there that disagree with me and say I cannot do it! To those, I will respond with my favorite platitude, “…a liberal man is an oxymoron!”..

    • wendy says:

      I really appreciate your taking the time to comment, and do so with such thoughtfulness. Since I wrote that post, I’ve become friends with a hard right conservative. She is a good person and I adore her, and we just make sure never to talk about politics. So anything is possible.

  42. Mimi says:

    He doesn’t know how to have fun

  43. Tom Murphy says:

    My list had only one requirement. I had to be sexually attracted to her. After that, it was looking at the “totality of her” rather than judging each individual characteristic.

  44. Mary says:

    He’s never wrong. In everything he has more experience or knowledge than you.

  45. Wendy says:

    > a real difference between men and women is lists like this.

    We *all* have lists like this, both male and female. Not everyone writes them down, or will spell them out at one time, though.

    But just start asking Mr. No Requirements how he’d feel if the woman he was with did X or Y, and I can guarantee he’ll have thoughts on the subject as to what he’d accept and what he wouldn’t.

    IMX, the important thing about the lists is to differentiate between the “must haves”, the nice-to-haves, and the deal-breakers – and to be sure that the first and last parts are truly inherent parts of the person, and really boil things down to their essence.

  46. Mark says:

    Yep, chemistry can cover a lot of ground. No chemistry, no need for a list. Not sure on this republican thing though- that’s still kind of a deal breaker to me simply because when you get right down to the brass tacks it’s a selfish philosophy, reductive not inclusive, ultimately inhumane and tough to defend without getting to ” the bible/ constitution” says it’s so.

  47. mark jabbour says:

    Try the other list – the perfect partner & focus on that. I’m sure it’ll be shorter … and it works. I read the ‘Post’ article, is how I came here, via Bolick’s piece, via Morning Joe. Seriously, do the other list & see which list you’re more comfortable with.

  48. Sarah says:

    How about these…

    He regularly gorges himself until he is “too full to have sex.”

    He doesn’t understand the concept of a courtesy flush and leaves what my friend and I dubbed “toilet chili” for the next user. (This was a daily occurrence)

    He smacks when he eats and then gets offended and denies said smacking when he’s asked to stop.

  49. David Turkat says:

    Wendy,
    The boys from 188 still love you. I shared the Washington Post article with a few guys from the “hood”. Hey, you still got it.

    Stay well…Best wishes…David

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