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Getting Back to Online Dating While Grumbling

Match.com just reeled me in. I hadn’t subscribed for a while, but they continued to send emails of potential matches. I’d occasionally glance at the profiles, only to be reminded of why I hate online dating. But home alone this Saturday night, I came across a profile that intrigued me. He was cute, seemed decent, we share political values and he’d just finished reading War & Peace. I winked (my only tool as a nonsubscriber). Sunday morning, I got an alert from Match that I “sparked someone’s interest.” My heart fluttered. And so I reregistered for 3 months, which will take me through the beginning of March and cover my annual New Year’s resolution to get back to online dating. Wouldn’t you know, not a word from War & Peace guy. Keep you posted.


35 comments for “Getting Back to Online Dating While Grumbling”

  1. Kate M. says:

    I absolutely know where you are, Wendy because I am there too! Recently dug into match.com again and actually put some time and thought into my profile this time, whereas previously I put almost zero effort into it but told myself that I was trying. I think of online dating as another tool which may possibly increase my odds of meeting a compatible partner. I’m also initiating communication w/a select few vs. previously just hanging out waiting for the right guy to contact me, and trying not to be too wounded by the non-responders. Congratulations – I’m proud of you and will look forward to your updates.

  2. Jules says:

    I thinks you’re courageous and it takes guts ( reference to previous post) to face the non-reponders. Good Luck!
    Also who is this art work by. I like it a lot.


    • wendy says:

      I’ve been thinking about this and procrastinating for awhile, Jules. We’ll see if anyone turns up this time. There was no attribution to the artwork. But I’m glad you like it.

  3. Beth O'Donnell says:

    What is your approach? Are you passive or do you actively search?

    • wendy says:

      I’m very proactive by nature. But so far, I haven’t really dug in. I’ve gotten a few “winks” so far, which I haven’t responded to (because of a lack of interest on my part). I plan on spending some time looking through profiles in a few days. I guess I’m working up to it.

  4. Stacy says:

    “..while grumbling.” I hear ya.
    I’ve been doing POF as well as Our Time. I have not been encouraged, but I’m not really into a lot of “cold call” emailing.

  5. mary c. says:

    Online dating is a necessary evil: I wouldn’t have any dates without it. I think I’ve tried all the sites by now. Match and POF men were the least attractive. Okcupid men are more interesting but more conceited. I seem to attract much younger or much older men–perhaps because of my age (58). One study showed that you’re no more successful on a paying site than a free one. It’s a CRAP shoot. Try not to take it personally. I’ll send the equivalent of a “wink” but I don’t “cold call” anymore: it doesn’t work for me.

  6. Kathy says:

    Of all the ways to meet men I would have to choose online dating. I have never tried POF or Match but have had luck with OkCupid. I find that I am more willing to take the risk of emailing someone when meeting online. I wouldn’t take the risk of asking for someone’s number if I met at a singles event. Singles events are WAY to intimidating to me because I feel that I am competing with other women which brings out a lot of self criticism.

  7. petra says:

    I’ve done Match a couple of times over the past few years and it’s been partially successful. I have met guys that I wouldn’t in any other dating setting–outside my “home” geographic area. I have to say, though, that I always love working on my profile–after I get done with it and read it through, I”m ready to ask myself out on a date! I mean, who wouldn’t want to go out with someone whose primary relationship is with IKEA and who owns not one but TWO ice cream makers!

  8. mary c. says:

    Cold call means making the first move by sending a real message. I did that a few times but 9 out of 10 times received no response. I’m willing to send a wink or 4-star rating because it’s not an emotional investment. It’s just a show of interest. Some men say that they want women to take charge and initiate contact. I tend to believe that, for whatever reason, most men do not. Good luck Wendy!

  9. Noelle says:

    I’ve resisted the sites but then…it’s been a long stretch of nothing. I have not heard much good about Match.com, so don’t know which one to try.

    Someone suggested Meetup groups but at least here, they are 85-90% women, and that’s a whole dynamic I’m not interested in. Too many women in one place…why I got out of nursing.

  10. tasha says:

    I moved to my area eight months ago this month and haven’t been on a single date. Dusted off my match.com profile for ye yonder, updated it, new photos, etc. and other than a bunch of winks and looks from men who were way out of my age range, nothing. I “cold called” a few men but none wrote back. I think I’d rather meet someone through a shared hobby than online.

  11. Stacey says:

    I’ve been having this exact same discussion with a group of FB friends. There’s a LOT of frogs out there and not enough princes to go around. It seems as if many men just want to go through their midlife crises and not invest much energy to do so, and we women want to have an actual relationship and are willing to put in the time and effort. Most of the “likes” and “winks” I get are from men that I don’t have anything in common with (I’m not interested in hunting, fishing or riding on the back of his Harley, and a shirtless man taking his self-portrait in a bathroom mirror is just plain unattractive.) And don’t get me started on the terrible spelling, grammar and punctuation. Several times, out of shear frustration, I’ve sent an email to these yahoos asking them if their punctuation and shift keys on their keyboards even work. They don’t seem to understand that online dating, like ANY dating, involves a little bit of salesmanship and presenting what it is that makes them attractive.

    • wendy says:

      Ah, Stacey, that’s so great that you busted them on their punctuation, etc. (I’ve been tempted, too.) Did anyone get back to you on that?

  12. mary c. says:

    You go, Stacey! Bad grammar is a total turn off. The women are beautiful,accomplished and warm. And the guys are SO not up to us,and they don’t age well. How did that HAPPEN?

  13. Richard says:

    @Stacey: “SHEAR frustration”?

  14. Stacey says:

    @Richard – OK, so I used the wrong homophone, but I’m pretty sure I can be forgiven for that one tiny little slip in my lengthy paragraph. The last email I received on a dating website read as follows (all punctuation and spelling errors intact):
    “hello – do you text? im looking for a good fried frist”

    I THINK he was trying to tell me that he’s looking to be friends first, because I’ve never heard of “fried frist”.

    But my point is that, if you notice how I construct what I write, and compare it to what I received, you’ll see a very noticeable difference in the utilization of grammar, punctuation, spelling, and capitalization.

  15. Richard says:

    I need to lose weight, so I’d skip the “fried frist,” too. I dislike texting, unless it is really to say “I’m late” or “call me” and for some reason I can’t call. But never: “Did you get home alright?” or “Are you free Friday?” A big problem is spell-check and auto-correct, and also that abbreviations are part of texting culture, and maybe generational.

  16. Stacey says:

    @Richard – I’m not a fan of texting, either, but I’ve accepted that many men are more comfortable with some texting before actually talking on the phone, so I’ll go with it to an extent. And, as always, some men are just better at it than others (the last man with whom I had a long-term relationship was excellent at texting – he spelled correctly, puncuated, capitalized, and didn’t do the abbreviations at all). I’m in my 40s, so I tend to date men in their 40s or early 50s, so I’m not so sure it’s generational.

    @Wendy – Of course it’s completely pointless to bust them on their punctuation, LOL! I come across as a bitch when I do that, so most never respond (and I’m fine with that, because they’ve already taken themselves out of the running by that point anyway.) One of them did write me back – he wrote, “thats cool” (no punctuation or capital letters) – he obviously didn’t even read what I wrote, so he took himself out of the running a second time because I decided that he’s illiterate. The last man I met online that I dated for awhile complimented me on my correct use of a semi-colon. When he said that, I knew that when he got around to asking to meet in person, that I was going to say yes. We dated for three months.

    • wendy says:

      I busted a guy on Match for his rudeness, because it made me feel so much better. I’m sure he thought I was a bitch. But at that point, who cares?!

  17. Noelle says:

    No one in New Mexico knows the difference between “your” and “you’re.” Drives me crazy.

    So I signed up for OKCupid, declaring my complete lack of expectation, but one appealing profile gets my hopes up. You know, I went on my first date in 1972…doing this in 2012 is just demoralizing.

  18. Mel says:

    Ok, I had to post here, even though I just posted on another post. Online dating can be so discouraging, especially when you see someone like “War and Peace”, and it just doesn’t happen…What’s up with that?!

    But there are people out there, many wonderful people, who are in the same situation as we are, looking for someone special, and they’re not losers or cynics or bores. You may have a few “kiss my floor” moments (I’ve had a couple of these, followed by a bracing glass of wine following a bad date), but if you have a sense of humour, which I detect many who follow this site do, I recommend persistence, tempered with the occasional “break” to regroup.

  19. mary c. says:

    @Mel–I think you grok this thing well. It’s better to be a skeptical optomist, find the humor, and take breaks from it. Take care of yourself.

  20. Mel says:

    @ Mary C.-Thanks, you too. I like your term “skeptical optimist”, think that’s a good approach to dating (and probably to life in general…)

  21. Dienna says:

    “Meeting someone through a hobby is a great idea. Unfortunately, my hobbies (like ballet) tend to attract mostly women.”

    That’s my problem too—too many interests that attract a mostly female crowd. And I’m not one who’ll do stereotypically male things, like go to the sports bar or go to a hardware store to meet men.

    • wendy says:

      As a dating strategy, it hasn’t worked for me to participate in an activity expressly for the purpose of meeting a man.

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